Her Blood Sings
by MidnightWalking
Summary: This is Edward's side of New Moon which picks up after Rosalie's telephone call. This is it the very last chapter. Read and enjoy.
1. Chapter 1 Edward's Heartbreak

_AN: Characters belong to Stephenie Meyer._

_I have read many comments how Edward got off so easily because Bella took him back so quickly, but I never felt the time Edward was separated from Bella was an easy time for him. So here is my take on how Edward felt after leaving Bella._

_Part of this is also based on a comment Alice made to Charlie in New Moon. Tell me what you think in your review._

----------------------------------------------------

Edward's Heartbreak

It was not an easy decision to make, but I had to do what was in Bella's best interest. My family agreed to abide by my decision. I knew my love for Bella would never end or decrease, but her love for me, I knew would fade with time. She is only eighteen; she has never experienced love before so she has to time to find someone she can love more than me. Besides, after almost a century of listening to adolescent minds, I know they are easily changeable where affairs of the heart are concerned, and Bella will be the same. She will get over it and move on with her life. As Bella told her mom while in the hospital in Phoenix, what she felt it was only a crush.

I on the other hand will never find anyone else I will love, no one other than Bella. She is my other half and no one will ever replace her. I know this is true and there is no changing this fact. It's only been one month since I said goodbye. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and Bella's reaction was not what I had expected. That is also something I'll never forget about Bella; she never reacted the way I expected, or the way any other human would have reacted. I had waited for her to break out in tears and maybe even yell at me, but she didn't. If I could only have heard her thoughts, it would have been easier to know what to say to have made it easier for her.

It also surprised me that she so easily accepted the idea that I didn't want her in my life. My life, that is a joke — I don't have a life. That's what I'd been trying to make Bella understand; I wasn't alive, I just existed. I want more for her then that, but the fact that she honestly believed I didn't love her is hard to fathom. How could she not know that leaving her was the hardest decision I've ever had to make? That when I turned my back on her I was ripping my own heart out. It was like dying all over again.

Would Bella ever realize that I would never be whole again because she is no longer part of my existence? I told Bella to go on with her life, but it is questionable if I'll be able to go on with my own existence. Better yet, do I want to go on knowing she is out in the world loving someone else, living with someone else, and having a family and a life with someone else?

I tried to fill my time with other thoughts and activities, but it's useless, even the piano and music are no longer a refuge for me. Instead of finding solace, I find memories. Memories of Bella lying in bed wrapped in my arms as I hummed her to sleep with the lullaby I wrote for her, Bella cautiously walking past my stereo system fearing she would damage it, or Bella and I just laying on my sofa talking, kissing and listening to the music flowing from my stereo system. I promised Bella she would forget, I wish I could make the same promise to myself, but I know I will never forget, and I am finding it hard to stop the memories when they flooded back into my mind. The visions of Bella are so vivid and alive, that I am fooled into thinking I can reach out and touch her.

I told Bella we never sleep, which is true. I believed I never dreamed because I couldn't dream, but I discovered my thinking flawed. I didn't dream in the normal sense, but every time I closed my eyes, my memories create indelible images so real that I watch my time with Bella constantly replaying itself. If they are dreams, they will fade, but I know they won't; yet they are still dreams because I can never make them a part of my life again.

I had one chance at heaven and I gave it up. I left the angel of my life and have since lived in hell every day. I don't have nightmares, but my visions can very well pass for nightmares. Whenever I close my eyes, I see Bella. Her deep expressive eyes, her soft luscious kissable lips, her heady blush, and her extremely desirable body, but then the vision alters and I see someone with her, and he is enjoying the physical relationship with Bella that I was denied. In those moments, my anger flares up and the need to destroy something overwhelms me. I've learned not to range to far from wooded areas, so when the compulsion consumes me, I have a place to go.

Hell cannot be any worse then the pain I've experienced since separating myself from Bella. I always joked that we can't be physically hurt, but this hurt is just as physical as if someone were ripping me apart because in a sense I have been ripped apart. That dead organ that use to be my heart feels as if it is continually being torn out of my chest and mutilated. My fingers ache for one more chance to caress her soft skin, my eyes ache to look upon her beautiful face, and my lips ache to touch her lips. My sense of smell suffers the most; Bella's scent was so intoxicating and overpowering, but since she's no longer near, I desire to taste of her fragrance again. I long to bury my nose in her neck and breath in deeply of her aromatic quintessence.

I even began distancing myself from my family because even their presence reminded me of Bella. I know Carlisle and Esme wishes for me were to be with Bella forever. Now, whenever they look at me, I can only see sympathy for my loss, but it is a reminder of what I have lost. Jasper's look is sympathetic as well, but also sorrowful because he feels it is his fault that I left in the first place. Emmett, well it's his thoughts more than looks that constantly remind me of Bella. He dwells on how I should have changed her and how he would have changed her if he had been me, but he also remembers how much she made him laugh. Rose is the only one who says and thinks nothing about Bella, but she always has that smug look of 'I told you it would be better if we got rid of her.'

The worst or maybe I should say the best memories come when I look at Alice. Her sympathy is as deep as Carlisle and Esme's because she was strongly attached to Bella. When I look at Alice, I remember her smile when I first saw Bella the night of the prom. On that night, my desires for Bella as a vampire vanished as my desires for Bella as a man inundated all my other senses. I had always known Bella was beautiful, but that night she was perfection embodied. No angel could ever compare to Bella; she was a lone star brightly shining in the heavens showing me the way to paradise, and I threw that all away and will never have an opportunity to regain any of it.

If I ever thought my existence was lonely before, it was nothing to what it is now. Before, I had thought I could be complete in myself and be happy, but now, when I watch the others together, I know I'll never be complete because I ripped myself away from the only person, in all eternity, who can make me complete. Now I see an eternity of darkness, misery, and loneliness looming on my horizon.


	2. Chapter 2 Going Where?

_AN: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer._

_Okay, I'm going out on a limb posting this because I know someone else is writing from the same perspective and covering the same general time span in the book. I have not read her story because I have been working on this, and I am posting it because I have been working on it since September because of a few requests to continue 'Edward's Heartbreak.' This really has been a hard story to write so it has taken me awhile. I will try to get a chapter out every week or every other week. I hope you like the story, and thanks to everyone who reviewed 'Edward's Heartbreak.'_

---------------------------------------

Going Where?

I opened my eyes wondering where I was. If I hadn't known better, I would've thought I was waking from some unremembered nightmare. As I looked around, I realized I was on a plane, but headed where and for what reason had escaped me. I knew the missing memories would return, they had to because vampires never forget anything, so why wasn't I remembering. If I had patience, it would return; the problem was I never was much of a patient person.

I knew my name, and I knew I was a vampire. I knew I had a family somewhere, and I knew I was on a plane; however, 'where was I going,' and 'why was I going there' were the two questions I had to resolve. I remembered closing my eyes and wishing I could fall into a sleep of oblivion, but what came before that I couldn't remember. All I had to do was think back to my last memory that my mind could retrieve. I remembered a phone call . . . was it from Alice? No . . . the other one . . . what was her name? I saw the image of a rose flash through my thoughts. 'Her name was Rose,' I thought, but it seemed wrong somehow. If not Rose, than what? Rosie, Rosalind, Rosalie . . . that was it. Rosalie had called me telling me . . . what had she told me . . . something I could . . . what was it about . . . and then I remember, she told me I could come home.

Was that where the plane was headed? How could I forget something so simple? No, the real question was why I would forget that. Home was a good place, a safe place. A place where everyone I loved was, so why would I want to forget I was going home? Why wouldn't I want to go home? So many holes, as if my mind was Swiss cheese. I wouldn't want to go home if something bad were going to happen . . . wait . . . not going to happen but did happen. I must have been going home because something bad did happen but to whom, and why was I gone from home in the first place?

What could happen to hurt a vampire? We weren't easily harmed, much less killed so maybe not something bad to my family. Who else was there? Nobody . . . no, there was somebody . . . somebody important . . . somebody special . . . as I continued these thoughts I suddenly saw a pair of dark brown eyes. I could see laugher and love in them, but as I continued to look, I saw pain and heartache rising up from their depths replacing the laughter, but not the love.

Why would those beautiful eyes feel so much pain? The heartache indicated a broken heart, and to have a broken heart you had to love. My mind kept digging. I had to find the answers. Whom did those eyes belong to and why would anyone want to hurt their owner? Something cruel happened to cause that pain. Suddenly, more of the face came into focus around the eyes. First a nose appeared, and then a set of full ruby red lips.

The lips were as familiar as the eyes. It was someone I knew . . . wait, more than that it was someone I loved. Someone I still loved. Where was she, is that why I was going home? Did Rosalie call and say something about this special person . . . no, Rosalie didn't like her of that I was certain. So, why did Rosalie call?

I felt the memory playing on the edge of my mind but each time I reached for it, it faded into a dark hole that my mind had created. My mind created that dark hole to hide something painful. I could feel pain all around the hole, the same kind of pain that I had seen in those expressive brown eyes. Heartbreak – was it the same heartbreak or a different one, and who caused that pain?

I heard my name being whispered; the voice was soft, and as I listened, I felt a hand caressing my face. It was an extremely pale hand, but I could feel warmth radiating from it. As I lingered on the sound of that angelic voice and feel of that loving hand, my mind began to recreate the face to whom they belonged. I saw long brown hair – silky rich to the touch. As she whispered my name, I heard a voice reply, 'Bella.' Then I realized that name belonged to the piercing brown eyes, the full luscious lips, and the angelic voice.

With a rush, the memory returned. That night in the woods and the lie I told. The look in her face as my heart was severed from my body, and I ran away from her, but along with the memory came the pain. A gaping hole formed in my chest and I stopped breathing, and in that instant, the memory of Rosalie's reason for calling also returned. The voice really did belong to an angel; one I would never see again because she jumped to her death. 'Her death,' that realization tore a bigger hole in my chest; that hole would never be filled because she was the only one who could ever fill that hole. Just a few hours ago, I had hoped that the hole might be filled. I remembered thinking I was living minute by minute through the pain, but in the back of my mind I remembered there had been hope; hope in the form of returning to the only person who could ever make me whole again.

Then I instantly remembered the other phone call because all the memories came flooding back. I had needed to verify what Rose said, so I had called Bella's house, but Charlie did not answer. Some other male voice answered, and he had shattered my world into a million irretrievable pieces when he said Charlie was at the funeral. He was at Bella's funeral. I would never see her again, and I couldn't bear the pain that knowledge had caused. I had lost my only hope of relieving my pain, and I could no longer survive the pain.

Another memory flooded my thoughts. It was the voice of a previous psychology professor. He said, 'the human mind is a marvelous thing. It stores all our memories safely away until we want to retrieve them, but it also hides from us memories so painful that they could damage us. The mind will close down temporarily when needed to help us come to terms with a painful memory and slowly return the memory when we are capable of handling it without being damaged.' He was right. My mind had blacked out all the knowledge of Bella until I was ready to face it again.

My mind had allowed me to temporarily breath before it permitted the memory to resurface and the tearing pain to return.

I wanted to be torn into millions of little pieces because of what happened. I lost the one and only person I would ever love, and that's why I was on the plane. I was headed to Italy and Volturi. They would end my existence for me. I would ask them first and if they said 'no,' then I would have to force their hand. One way or another, my pain would be stopped because my existence would end; besides, a world without Bella was a world I didn't want to exist in.

As I sat in my seat, all these thoughts flooded my senses, and then, once again, I heard that soft caressing voice. First, she whispered my name, and then she said, 'I'll always love you forever!' How could she love me now that she was gone? How could she take herself from me? How could she cease her existence? Why did she do it? She promised me; she promised to keep herself safe? 'Why Bella, why?' my mind cried as a low groan of pain escaped my lips.

"Sir?" A voice reached out to me from the outer fringes. "Sir, are you okay?"

It took a moment to realize this voice was real and I resented it. It was not the voice of my angel; instead, it was the flight attendant and I resented her because she had disrupted my thoughts. I knew I had to acknowledge her, so I opened my eyes and focused temporarily on the present.

"Sir, are you okay? Can I get you anything?" Her voice was calm, but her thoughts weren't. 'What's wrong with him? He sounds like he's in pain . . . Oh . . . his eyes . . . what's wrong with his eyes?"

"I'm fine," I replied quietly and closed my eyes again. "I just need some sleep." I heard her walk away, but her thoughts were still on me.

'I'll just watch him . . . maybe he doesn't want to admit he's sick . . . maybe flying make him sick . . . he wouldn't be the first one . . . he looks so pale . . ..' At that point, I shut my mind off to her. I didn't need to hear any more, but I realized I would have to watch what I said and did. I didn't want to draw attention to myself this early. I had to reach Italy and Volturi.


	3. Chapter 3 Enlightenment

_AN: All the conversation in this chapter is pulled verbatim from NEW MOON and TWILIGHT so all the credit goes to Stephenie Meyer for Bella's words and all of Edward's words that are in quotes. Please review and tell me what you think about this story. Is it worthwhile for me to continue? Thanks, and I hope you enjoy this chapter. Disclaimer – all characters in this story belong to Stephenie Meyer._

-----------------------------------------------------------

**Enlightenment**

The flight seemed to take forever, and my mind would not stop replaying the past, especially those last few days I had with Bella. Maybe the cause of the memories was what Bella and I had said to each other.

Just before I left her, I asked her to promise not to "do anything reckless or stupid." Jumping off a cliff, in my opinion, constituted a reckless act. I had to know why she did it. I had left her for her own benefit, to make her life safer and therefore better, so what could have happened to make her want to end it? What made her decide she could hurt Charlie in that manner?

The conversation we had after watching Romeo and Juliet flashed past my eyes. We were sitting on the couch and I had just informed Bella of my intended plans to visit the Volturi if she had died because of James' attack. I remembered how angry she had become when she learned of my intentions, and then her reply when I asked her how she would have reacted if the situations had been reversed. How could I ever forget her reply?

"What if something did happen to you? Would you want me to go _off_ myself?" I remembered she had made a face when she mentioned something happening to me. I also vividly remembered her reply when I asked her what she thought I would do if I ever lost her. She calmly replied, "Whatever you were doing before I came along and complicated your existence." I noted at the time that she didn't say life, since we both knew I technically didn't have a life, but how she could ever have thought I could return to my previous existence without her was astonishing to me. Only after meeting Bella had I realized what an unhappy, lonely existence I had been having; I could never be happy without her and I had never known what true happiness was until the day she became a part of my existence. With that knowledge, how could I ever have gone back to my previous empty, lonely existence?

Moreover, I hadn't left her to make me happy, but to make her happy. She should have been happy; she should have picked up her life right were I had interrupted it. So, why hadn't she?

Maybe I had been wrong. She couldn't have been happy if she intentionally jumped from that cliff. Rosalie had used the term jumped not fallen, so it had not been an accident, then what had she been doing on a cliff in the first place. Why hadn't she found happiness? Why hadn't she gone on with her life? What was I missing?

Bella's voice returned as another memory surfaced. Her voice had a slightly angry edge as I heard her say, "I'd rather die than be with Mike Newton . . .. I'd rather die than be with anyone but you." I remembered saying she should stop being melodramatic, and she retorted with, "Well then, don't you be ridiculous."

Bella's voice would no longer remain quiet. By asking myself why she had done such a thing, I had opened a floodgate of memories, and her voice was repeating in my mind everything important she had said. The sadness was still in her voice as she repeated her plea in the meadow, "I don't want you to leave," and after I told her about the thirst for her blood and how I fought the impulses I had, she replied with "You already know how I feel . . . I would rather die than stay away from you." Then the next day while we were in her kitchen, I had told her I would stay as long as she wanted me, and she replied, "I'll always want you . . . Forever." Now that the memories had passed through the floodgates, there was no stopping them. Again I heard her voice, we were in her hospital room in Phoenix when she told me, "You _are_ my life. You're the only thing it would hurt me to lose." It was in Phoenix that I told her, "As long as it makes you happy, I'll be here," and as she laid there broken and in pain, she was still able to smile as she said, "You're talking about forever, you know."

Sitting there on that plane headed for what I hoped would be my end, I finally realized Bella had been telling me all along what she wanted and how she really felt about me. The night of the prom Bella had said, when I asked her about her dreams, "Mostly I dream about being with you forever," and then she told me, "I love you more than anything else in the world combined."

I knew human minds; I knew human lusts, especially for teenagers, so when I told her that "the beautiful thing about being human" was that "things change," she instantly replied with, "Don't hold your breath." I was finally beginning to realize Bella meant what she said. Bella wasn't changeable; when she made up her mind about something, she stuck to it.

Why hadn't I realized before that Bella meant everything she said? She had given me the answers to what would happen if I left her, but I had ignored her words thinking they were the words of an immature teenager, like all the rest of the immature teenagers who I had encountered over the years, but I was wrong. Bell was never like all those other immature teenagers; Bella was exceedingly more special than all the other teenagers I had ever met.

I was so wrong in my beliefs about Bella and her feelings that I pushed Bella into doing something desperate; I had pushed her into giving up and jumping off that cliff. I had never been wrong before, but when it cost me the most, when it was would hurt those I loved the most, I had been wrong. I was so wrong that it lead to the death of the only person I would ever love, and it would lead to even more pain for my family when they found out what I was planning on doing.

I should have listened to Bella; she knew what she was saying, and she was never being melodramatic. No, Bella had been telling me the truth that was in her heart, and I had ignored her. Bella did love me as much as I loved her, but how could she love me knowing what I was? How could she love a monster?

There were so many things I never told her and so many questions I never asked. I would never have the chance to make up for what I missed. I would never hold her in my arms, or kiss her lip sweet lips. I would never hear her heart beat or watch her blush, and most of all, I would never hear her calling my name. The pain that came when I left her was nothing compared to the new pain that started when I realized I would never see her again. This new pain was crippling, and I knew I could never relieve it because the only relief would have been to return to Bella, but that option no longer existed.

As all these thoughts and memories bombarded my mind, I finally realized one extremely important fact – I had been wrong. For the first time in my existence, I had been wrong in my assumptions. I had been so sure of my beliefs and decisions that I failed to see that one human being, one extremely special human being, could prove me fallible just by being herself. Bella was truly unique, and I had just lost that special person. My existence no longer had any meaning to me.

When I first awoke on the plane with that numb disassociated loss of memory, I felt no pain. In some ways, I began wishing I could return to that state. No memory no pain, but my mind refused to return to that dead state. All I could focus on or think about as I awaited this infernal flight to end was Bella. Before my eyes flowed a continual stream of pictures. I could see her in every minute detail; her piercing hypnotic chocolate brown eyes, her soft silky flowing hair, her angelic face, her warm luscious tempting full ruby red lips, and her soft warm form that molded itself to mine whenever I had held her, sat with her, or laid next to her.

Then there was her scent. I would never escape the overwhelming aroma of her blood; the blood I had tasted once, the blood my senses craved but that I refused to take from her ever again, and that blood still called to me from across the abyss of death.

Bella, the only one I would ever love, the only one who had stolen my heart, and the one I had lost forever because of my arrogant belief that she was better off without me. If she were better off, why did she kill herself? What made her do it; was it really the fact that she could no more live without me than I could live without her? That was what I was truly learning to understand; unfortunately, that knowledge had come to late. For her to do it because of our separation, her pain and misery had to have been as great as mine; so great that she felt she could no longer go on. I wanted to know if my realizations where true, but I would never know the truth because the only person who could give me the truth was gone forever.

Hell couldn't be any worse than this knowing I'd continue to exist while Bella's beautiful body laid rotting in the earth. The worst part was that I hadn't been there to stop her. I had promised to keep her safe, and I had failed her.


	4. Chapter 4 My Angel's Face

_**AN: Edward belongs to Stephenie Meyer and Bella Swan – I have no claim on him. I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and then take a moment to review. Thanks – Midnight Walking**_

--------------------------------------------------

My Angel's Face

The problem with being a vampire was the fact that even our minds worked on high speed. Despite the fact that the flight felt long without my mind working overtime, its was working overtime only extended the time in my opinion. I had finally worked out why Bella did what she did; I didn't accept it, but if her love equaled mine in any way, as I suspected, then her pain also equaled mine. How much pain could a human endure before it drove her to death as a release? That was a question I refused to ponder, but it played around the edges of my mind.

All those thoughts, plus the realization that Bella's love was true and I threw it away, were bad enough, but what made it even worse was that every time I closed my eyes I saw Bella's face. Every expression, every feeling, and every endearing feature crossed before my eyes. It was like watching a rerun of the times I saw her. The first being in the biology class when I saw the monster I was reflected in her eyes. That was the first vision to cause a sharp stabbing pain in my chest. I knew what I was, and I knew I was a danger to Bella, but I had never meant to play a role in her death. I had tried so hard to prevent her demise.

I saw her face once again as she watched Tyler's suburban sliding toward her. Then there was her expression in the hospital when she realized I wouldn't explain anything about what had transpired when I saved her life. At the time, I thought she would just be pleased to be alive, but the resentment and anger on her sweet face tempted me, maybe not as much as her blood at that time, but the temptation was still there; I just had not recognized that form of temptation at the time.

Then a variety of pictures flashed through my mind of the times I watched Bella sleeping wondering if I dared to begin any type of relationship with her. Even though I hadn't realized it then, those nightly visits began to change my feelings for her. I still remembered how my heart felt the first time she said my name while sleeping. I knew it was the closest I would ever be to having an angel whisper my name. My name flowed sweetly and lovingly off her lips; the same lips that I desired to kiss every time I saw them. Not only did I want to kiss them, but I also wanted to taste them. I had always known that the first time our lips met, if she allowed it, it would be the sweetest taste ever imaginable, and I had been right. Every kiss became sweeter as our relationship developed.

As I dwelt on Bella's lips, I could feel them kissing my neck, my chin, my cheeks, and finally my lips. I yearned for them more than I yearned for her blood. I ached inside knowing I would never feel her lips on mine ever again. I would never again taste the sweetness of them or of her.

The slide show in my mind of Bella's face continued. I saw her in the street facing those three villains. The look on her face as she saw the door open to her and her expression when she realized I was driving. Next, I saw us as we drove to Forks from Port Angeles and Bella was sharing her newest theory about what I was. Her face was so revealing at that moment. It reflected her fear, concern, and curiosity all at the same time. I had been positive she would want me to drop her at her door, and she would never want to see me again, but Bella wasn't that weak. She couldn't totally hide the surprise when she realized she had been right, but there was never a look of disgust or hatred on her face or in her eyes. The first time I saw her cry, I felt wretched because I had caused those tears to flow. I had so wanted to reach out and taste her tears. I wanted to know if they tasted the way her blood smelt, but I refrained from fear that I would push just a little too much and I would lose her forever.

I wanted to laugh at that last thought. If Bella had had her way, I would never have lost her at all; we would have been together forever. As it was, we would be apart forever because she was in heaven and I would never go there. I was positive of that fact; I had hoped Carlisle was right, but I couldn't bring myself to develop any real hope about his conviction. No, Bella was now in heaven, and once I ended my existence, I would be elsewhere.

The next image that entered my mind was the expression of surprise and amazement when she first saw me in the sun and the first hint of her love as we sat together in the meadow. I almost laughed aloud when I remembered her expression the first time I ran carrying her through the forest. Her sweet lovely face had turned a shade paler than mine. I remembered it sent a wave of fear through me thinking I had finally scared her into running from me, but her determination once again surprised me.

Bella's determination was a personality trait I admired. Her determination always centered on others. She was always striving to help them and keep them safe. I never saw her use her determination to override someone else's will with her own. Even when she faced James, her determination was to keep every one except herself safe. If it meant sacrificing herself to save others, she was determined to carry it through. The image of her lying on that dance floor broken and bleeding was one I forcefully pushed away. It was bad enough that it had happened but that was not an image I wanted to relive. To help banish that image, I focused on Bella at the prom. Alice had taken a beautiful work of natural art and enhanced it so that Bella shimmered like the angelic being I always knew she was. I swelled with pride when I saw Bella because I knew she would be the most beautiful person at the prom.

My pride, I thought. That was what brought me to this point. My pride in doing what I thought was right despite what others thought, despite what Bella thought, and despite what Alice had seen. My pride brought Bella and I to this point, and it was only fitting that I end the miserable existence that I had catapulted myself into by being too stubborn and prideful to admit I was wrong. My pride hadn't allowed me to admit that Bella did love me the way I loved her, that I did want to be with her forever, and that she should be given the choice of whether or not to stay with me despite the danger.

The worst part about what I did was that I allowed Bella to die thinking I didn't want her, that I didn't need her, and that I didn't love her. I knew she believed those things because I saw it in her face that night in the forest, and I heard what she said. I had expected a long argument; I had expected Bella to force me to show her what I was saying was true, but that wasn't what had happened. Bella believed every hurtful hateful lie I told. It had been much easier than I had expected, and that alone hurt me because she could so easily believe that I didn't love her, but the other thing that tore my heart out was the look of utter loss on Bella face as she tried to comprehend that I was truly leaving her.

Bella's face was not the only part of her that clung to my mind, I could also hear Bella's voice; it never left me. Mostly her voice berated me for what I was planning on doing. Her disapproval was quite evident in her tone just as it was on her birthday after she had finished watching Romeo and Juliet. Her anger when she discovered I had planned to end my existence was evident not only in her voice, but also in her eyes and facial expression.

As I sat waiting for my flight to end, I could once again hear Bella telling me that I should never, ever under any circumstance think about ending my existence. Bella might not physically be around to remind me of what she thought, but her essence was still in my mind and it screamed at me for making what she considered a foolish decision.

What had she expected? That I would merrily go on with this non-life once she left me alone? No, there was nothing and no one who could convince me that this world had anything to offer me. With Bella gone, my whole world had vanished. I was plunged into a sunless unending void with no hope of ever finding a way out. I would never love anyone like I loved Bella, and I would never have Bella back in my life. That slender thread of hope I once clung to about going back to her on bended knee seeking her forgiveness had vanished when she jumped off that cliff and plummeted to her death, and the worse part about that thought was that I wasn't there to catch her.

I would never again be able to catch her if she stumbled and fell. She had fallen for the last time and I had let her down by not protecting her. Although, I had never imagined that I would need to protect Bella from herself. Besides, she had promised me not to do anything dangerous or foolish. She should have kept her promise. 'Bella, you should have kept your promise. If not for me, then at least for Charlie,' my mind raged. She had a right to hate me and hurt me, but she shouldn't have hurt Charlie like that. Charlie and I had lost everything.

My Bella was gone forever. My heart was gone forever. Soon, I would be gone forever.


	5. Chapter 5 The Trip

_AN: The words in quotes come directly from NEW MOON chapter 3, they do not belong to me but to Stephenie Meyer. The characters also belong to Stephenie Meyer who graciously allows us to use them and a big 'thank you' to her for her generosity._

_I hope everyone enjoys this short chapter and Edward will be in Volterra in the next chapter. Thanks for taking the time to read and review, and a special thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter and who left such kind and encouraging words, and a special thank you to my Beta Reader Angel6582.  
_

-----------------------------------

The Trip

All the way to Volterra, images of Bella continued to possess my mind. She laughed, she cried, and she blushed – her eyes gleamed, shined, stared, and shied away as I stared into them. There were images of her when she first saw me in the meadow, as she bit her lip, as she lovingly looked at me, as she sleep at night, as she stumbled across the parking lot toward school, as she came down the staircase in her prom dress, as she spoke my name, and as she leaned toward me for a kiss.

Every image was stored in my mind, and I welcomed them as they played even though they each pierced my heart making the hole in my chest a gaping cavern. One reoccurring image that came I did not welcome; I never witnessed this image; instead, my mind had created this image somewhere in its dark recesses. I tried to suppress it, but every now and again, it would slip out and intrude between the happy, caring, loving images that I had stored away in my mind.

The unwelcome image was of Bella jumping off the cliff. Each time I saw it, I felt a new raw pain ripping through my dead heart knowing she would never come back into my life because of that fatal exploit. Sometimes I was in the image reaching out to stop her to save her as I had promised I would save her, but I always failed. My mind and heart knew I had let her down. When she needed me the most, I wasn't there. When she needed me to save her, I utterly failed her; I couldn't do anything to rectify that failure. I had to go on with the knowledge that I had lost the most important precious person in my life; the only person I would ever love was gone, and I would never get her back.

I had one slim hope that tugged at the edges of my mind. I tried not to count on it too much, but it persistently stayed. That hope was that Carlisle was right, and that there was a chance for us to get to heaven and that we were not eternally damned. If Carlisle were right, then I would see Bella again after the Volturi destroyed me. All I could do was hope that they would to do as I asked, but I tried hard not to hope too much, because it was more than likely that I was right rather than Carlisle.

Mostly, I was unaware of my surroundings. This country was definitely not like Forks; shade was not prevalent during the day, so I instinctively knew nightly travel proved prudent. I had no desire to make my presence know until after I reached Volterra and had my audience with the Volturi.

I was also vaguely aware that plans were already filtering through a part of mind about what I could do if the Volturi turned down my request. I knew if the Volturi turned me down I would have to do something that threatened to divulge their secret. If they wouldn't fulfill my wish, then they would need to see me as a threat to their anonymity to prompt them into action. I remembered plans about a massing killing, but I instinctively knew that would upset Carlisle; next, an idea occurred that I could reveal my strength by hefting a car and tossing it, but that was more of Emmett's forte, and then it occurred to me I could just attack one of their guards. That might be easier, my mind thought; just make one of them mad enough and he would do the deed for me. My time passed in this manner all the way to Volterra; a small part of my mind made plans and alternative plans, while the majority of my thoughts focused on Bella and what I had lost.

I vaguely remembering stopping once and while I hid in a cluster of trees to avoid detection, the events in the forest the night I left Bella returned to haunt my mind. I could clearly hear her voice as she said, "You . . . don't . . . want me." It was not even a question for her but a statement of fact, and her words ripped through me. I remembered feeling, at the time, that I would cave-in but I held my composure as I replied, 'No.' Her acceptance of that one simple word tore my heart in half. How could she have believed that, and worse yet, how could I have allowed her to believe that.

I remembered being surprised by her calm reply, 'Well, that changes things.' I instantly wanted to know what things changed because I wasn't sure what she meant. More than anything, I wanted to ask her what she thought changed.

Just to reassure her that I still loved her, I had said, 'Of course I'll always love you . . . in a way.' I had adverted my eyes as I said it, and what I really meant was I could never stop loving her, not even if I left her. I tried so hard to make it easy for her. I only wanted what was truly best for her, and I kept reminding myself of that fact so I wouldn't weaken and admit the truth. When I told her, "You're not good for me," she made no reply, and I wished more than ever that I could hear her thoughts. At first, I thought she would argue with me, but she was silent as a myriad of emotions flashed across her face. I knew she was thinking, but I couldn't hear or discern those thoughts, and when she finally replied, it stunned me. "If . . . that's what you want," she had sounded so lost and defeated that it took everything in me not to back down, so my only response was a nod.

It became worse when she realized Alice wasn't returning as well. When she breathed, "Alice isn't coming back," it was more of an escaping thought than a vocal declaration, and when she asked, "Alice is gone?" there was loss and disbelief in her voice. With every word she spoke, she made it harder for me to leave, but I knew my leaving was the greatest sacrifice I could make for her. I honestly believed her life would be fuller and richer without me in it. As I gave her a last kiss before saying, "Take care of yourself," I was glad I wasn't human or I would have been crying. It tore me apart to leave her like that, but I wouldn't allow her to see how it was affecting me. The truth of the matter was I wasn't good for her, not the other way around. I had told her that numerous times, but she only reiterated the fact that she didn't care about that, but her opinion didn't change the truth; her life would be so much better without me.

I found I couldn't look back once I left her because I couldn't let her see that leaving her tore me apart, and that was when the hole in my chest, which began even before I ran from her, widened into unbelievable proportions. I felt bereft leaving her alone at the edge of the woods, but my one consolation was the fact that I knew she could still see her house and she wouldn't lose her way in the woods.

Afterwards, I didn't know which was harder to believe – the fact that Bella believed I didn't love and want her or how quickly she believed the unbelievable. Hadn't I repeatedly told her how much I loved her? Hadn't I assured her how truly selfish I was? Yet, it took almost no time to persuade her that I didn't love her. The one look I'll never forget was when I told her she wasn't 'good for me,' her expression and demeanor had completely changed. I'll never be able to erase that expression. I would perish with it indelibly imprinted forever on my mind.


	6. Chapter 6 Volterra

**_AN: For clarification, all thoughts are in single quotation marks. Disclaimer - I do not own these characters or the original plot. Twilight, New Moon, and its characters all belong to Stephenie Meyer._**

_**I apologize for taking so long to update, but the loss of my beta slowed me down, and I spent a little more time on Emmett version of the motorcycle story because this one was depressing me. I will try to have the next chapter up by next week.**_

_**With that said, I present the next chapter in 'Her Blood Sings,' which is New Moon from Edward's PoV. I hope you enjoy this chapter and leave a review to let me know what you thought of it. I wish to thank those who have not only read my work, but have left reviews to let me know what they thought. Enough said - MidnightWalking.**_

**Volterra**

Besides the visual images that filled my mind, I didn't really remember the actual trip from Florence to Volterra. Some instinct told my feet where to go and my instinct to survive kept me from meeting anyone along the way. When I first sighted Volterra, I was surprised at how quickly I had arrived, since time itself seemed to have ceased to exist. With Bella gone, there seemed to be no day or night, just an eternal darkness that clouded my mind and soul.

Carlisle had talked enough about Volterra that I found it easy to find my way around the city. Time had not changed the city much from when Carlisle had spent time with the Aro, Marcus, and Caius. I knew I would need to talk to Aro; Carlisle always referred to him as the one who took the lead when dealing with others. He would be the one I would have to convince so he would allow his guard to destroy me. I would have to be convincing or they would turn me down. If they turned me down, I would convince them that I was a threat to them.

I would present a solid argument for why I should be destroyed, but would they consider the loss of the only person I would ever love as a convincing reason to end my existence. I would have to make them understand that this loss felt as if half of me were missing for all eternity. I knew I would never be whole, but would they understand that kind of loss. I needed to convince them that my sorrows over my loss could make me a hazard to them and their city.

What if they said no? I would have to come up with something dramatic and threatening to them and their existence. 'Well,' I thought, 'the one major rule was to keep our existence secret. I had already broken that rule by allowing Bella to discover what I was. I went even further to violate the rule by allowing her to live after she knew about us. That in itself would have been a reason for them to destroy me,' I argued. But, with Bella dead, she was no longer a threat to them. I would have to make myself a threat to them in some other way.

As I made my way through the city, seeking the Volturi's residence, I reviewed the alternative plans I had made earlier to make myself a considerable risk. The most obvious way, I had originally decided, was to go on a killing spree. As I looked around the city, I knew that would have been easy. There were enough people around that it would have been easy to kill a number of them and make it obvious that they hadn't been killed in a normal manner. Once they were discovered drained of blood, it would prove something unnatural was occurring. It was a plan I had turned down before I reached the city, however. I couldn't hurt Carlisle like that. He had done so much for me, and he had been a real father to me from the time he had first changed me.

I remembered rejecting the strength revelation, which consisted of lifting a car over my head, because something along that line was too reminiscent of Emmett. I decided the best plan was just to convince Aro and the others that it would be in their best interest just to fulfill my last wish.

Carlisle also had described the Volturi's residence well enough that I had no problems locating it. He had also mentioned its numerous entrances but I decided I would just use the front entrance. The building was as impressive as Carlisle had said it was but I was surprised to find a reception desk with a human receptionist. She smiled pleasantly as she asked, "May I help you?"

Her mind was typical; she eyed me and compared me to the others who were part of the Volturi guard. I found it annoying to hear her weigh my looks against theirs, so I just pushed her thoughts aside.

"I'd like to see Aro on a matter of business," I told her briskly.

As I approached her, I notice her eyes widen. I listened only long enough to realize my eyes were turning black. Bella referred to them as onyx colored. I knew it had been a while since I had nourished myself, but I hadn't been aware of the fact that it was so noticeable. 'Well,' I thought, 'it won't matter for long. I don't plan to stay alive long enough for it to make a difference.'

"What name may I give him?" She asked tentatively. Without listening to her mind, I knew she was uncomfortable with the knowledge of my hunger.

"Edward Cullen, Carlisle's son," I replied. She wouldn't know Carlisle, but Aro would remember. I had no doubt that he would see me. My only doubt lay in whether or not he would agree to my destruction. It was the only thing left for me, I had no reason to continue to survive, and I had no desire to continue walking this earth alone.

"If you'll have a seat, I'll be right back, she commented as she rose from her seat.

As she left, I began dwelling again on Bella. Last spring, when I knew it was a possibility I would lose her to James, I had already begun planning this event. After finding her broken and bruised but still alive, I realized that if I had really lost her, I would have carried out that plan. Had I known that leaving Bella would have resulted in her death, I would have done all of this differently. Despite the fact that I tried to block the question out of my mind, I found myself once more wondering what event had actually caused Bella to intentionally end her own life. I knew there had to be a catalyst for her actions, but she had promised; she had promised not to do anything 'reckless or stupid.' She had promised to take care of herself, yet something had happened, and it had to have been something so horrific that she must have felt that was the only solutions left to her. Had she given up her life because of some pain or hurt she could no longer live with? And, who or what had caused that pain?

Before I could follow that thought further, the receptionist walked back into the room. "Aro will see you now. If you'll just follow me," she offered.

I slowly rose and followed her to a set of double doors, which lead into a long hall. I followed as she walked down the hall, finally stopping midway and opening a wooden door hidden behind a piece of paneling she had slid to the side. This door led into a small stone room that finally opened into a much large chamber. I noticed that she didn't follow me but closed the door behind me.

"Ah, you must be Carlisle's son." I would have recognized Aro anywhere. There was not much difference between the person who approached me and the one who was in the portrait I had shown Bella. "How is Carlisle doing? Does he still live by his own unique code of existence?"

"Carlisle is doing fine and as to the later, yes, he still refuses to take a human life to satiate his thirst." I smiled guardedly. I knew Aro was speaking for the other two men from the portrait. I also knew he had a special talent much like mine. I began to wonder if he was already hearing my thoughts and knew why I was here.

"There is much I would like to ask about Carlisle and what he has been doing, but I can see you have a specific reason for being here." As he reached me, he asked, "To what do we owe the pleasure of this visit?"

I decided I would just present my request without taking time for other pleasantries. I was past caring about making a good impression on anyone, and there was no one in the room, in my opinion, worth making an impression on. "I've come with a request," fleetingly I saw a spark of interest slide across his face, but he made no reply. "I would like to be destroyed." I blurted out without a care as to who heard or what their reaction was.

"Why?" His face showed no reaction but his response carried an authority behind it that demanded an explanation.

"Let's just say that I have lost the desire to continue to exist," I offered. I refused to use the word live because life for me had totally stopped when Rose uttered her fatal words, 'Bella is dead.'

"Do you know what it's like to be destroyed, Edward?" His eyes blazed into mine as his thoughts invaded my mind. 'Could he have any idea what it feels like? Jane might help with that task. Maybe he needs a dose of reality to help him see reason!'

"I understand what I'm asking for and the pain doesn't matter," I replied. I wasn't about to reveal my ability to him and since he hadn't asked about it, I wasn't sure if he knew about it.

"Jane, dear one, would you join us," he motioned toward a small group and I watched as a young girl detached herself from the group and moved toward us. Aro returned his focus to me and said, "Jane is one of my protégées. She and her brother Alec found themselves in a deadly situation when I rescued them."

Jane smiled as she stood beside Aro. "How can I help, Master?"

Aro returned her smile as he said, "I'd like you to give Edward a taste of what destruction feels like."

'This little girl is going to cause me pain?' I thought. Had they both not looked so serious, I might have smiled at the thought, especially when I considered the times Emmett and I had playfully fought each other. I believed there was nothing this little girl could do to me that would cause me pain. I just barely had time to complete my thought before a pain ripped through my body. In all of my eighty odd years as a vampire, I had never felt physical pain, but this was as physical as anything could get. I doubled over from the severity of the pain I felt, and I realized I did physically feel this pain.

I didn't know how long the torture continued, but I faintly heard Aro as he said, "That will be enough Jane." I hadn't realized I had fallen, but as the pain eased and finally vanished, I discovered I was picking myself up off the floor.

"You see, Edward, our Jane has a unique ability. She was able to make you feel what you are asking for. Considering the pain, do you still wish to end your existence, as you call it?"

Aro seemed to think I would change my mind; I could hear it in his thoughts. I could hear it in the thoughts of everyone in the room.

'That will teach him.'

'Young fool, nothing is worth that kind of suffering.'

'He'll go home and thank the Master for showing him how foolish he was.'

'He should be happy the Master is being merciful.'

As their voices filtered through my head, another voice rose up and vanquished all of their thoughts.

'You must never, never, never think of anything like that again! No matter what might ever happen to me, you are _not allowed_ to hurt yourself!' Bella's angelic voice rang through my head. It was what she had said to me when she learned about my plan to visit the Volturi if she had died in Phoenix.

As I finished standing up, I squared my shoulders, stood resolutely in front of him, and said, "I still want to be destroyed."

Aro scrutinized my face; I was sure he was looking for an answer I was not providing him. Finally, he said, "What could happen to anyone that would make them seek this type of death."

Very faintly, I heard someone reply, "Love."

I wasn't sure who said it, but Aro turned and looked at the group standing behind him near the back wall. I instantly recognized Marcus and Cauis.

"Is this so?" He asked me.

I couldn't answer I just hung my head. Hearing Bella's voice moments before had brought back the pain of losing her.

Aro held out one hand toward me and asked, "May I?"

I nodded slightly, not knowing what he meant to do, but the instant he touched me I felt a searing pain rip through my chest that outdid anything Jane could have caused.


	7. Chapter 7 Memories

_AN: Disclaimer – I do not own Twilight, New Moon, or any of the characters; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer. Please note that the words in italics are directly from New Moon._

_I hope you enjoy this chapter; I will not be able to post the next one until after I post the next chapter of 'My Little Sis.' Please leave a review and let me know what you think of this chapter, and thanks for taking the time to read it._

**Memories**

A searing pain ripped through my chest as Aro took my hand and drew forth the last image I had of Bella as I left her. The hollow in my chest was echoing the pain of my loss. Aro quickly progressed backwards in my memories until he found my human memories, or what remained of them.

There were very few, and most of them pertained to my mother. The clearest one concerned a talk she had with me about girls and sacrifice. She had told me that one day she hoped I would find a girl who I loved more than life itself, and she said when I found that girl, I must willingly sacrifice or surrender everything to her. Her words were so clear, 'When you willingly sacrifice everything to her, then you will discover that what you receive in return is much greater than anything you thought you were giving up. Also remember love is not about receiving but about giving. It's what you give to her, the quality and quantity of that giving, that is important.

With true love, you will never have to ask yourself if she loves you, you will know whether or not she does by what she returns to you out of her love for you.' Had my mother had a premonition about Bella one day entering my life, or was that how she felt about my father, and she was hoping I would find the same kind of love that she had found?

The one memory I retained of my father was also a talk about love and women. It had to have been just before our illness, because I had just turned seventeen. 'Son,' he said, 'Don't try to understand women; it'll never happen. They are marvelously unique beings. Just know that when you find one you love, and I mean really love, she will be worth more to you than anything else in life. She will become your life, and without her, you'll lose all interest in life. Keep yourself pure until you find that one woman who will become your entire world, and when you find her, give her all of yourself. Hold nothing back, keep no secrets, and do everything in you power to make her happy, safe, and loved. When you find the woman who is your true soul mate, you'll find yourself the richest man in the world even if you're living in poverty.' It seems there might have been more to the talk, but that was all I retained of that particular human memory. It was a memory that had so deeply been buried, that I had forgotten I still had it.

The next memory Aro found began with the pain of being changed. He skipped most of the memories of that painful change, and then he leafed through my memories as he watched Carlisle create our family. He smiled when he came to the memories of Esme and he watched as Carlisle fell in love with her. It seemed to please him that Carlisle had found someone he could love and that loved him back. The day they were married seemed to please him even more because I could hear him whisper, "Good, good."

Three things seemed to occur simultaneously as Aro watched my vampire existence unfold. First, I saw every memory as he encountered it. Second, I could feel his response to what he saw. Third, I could hear his thoughts and feel his reactions as he watched my memories unfold. When he first discovered Carlisle was working as a doctor, he felt amused, but as he witnessed Carlisle dedication to the medical profession and his patients, he was awed by the controlled restraint that he observed.

Aro's talent amazed me. While I could only hear what people were thinking in the present, Aro was able to tap into the memories of a person and pull them forward so he could see them. The first memories he pulled were good memories of Carlisle and Esme, but those pertaining to my rebellious period displeased me. I hated seeing the monster in me drinking from humans; I hated the fact that that same monster had lusted after Bella's blood. Aro, on the other hand, found my rebellious period interesting, but when he saw me return to Carlisle and my vegetarian drinking habits, he was disappointed because I heard 'What a shame' filtering through his mind.

As he continued to watch, he saw the family growing as first Rosalie and then Emmett joined the family and embraced the vegetarian lifestyle. I also noticed he was more attentive to my memories when any of us fell off the vegetarian wagon, so to speak.

Another point of interest to him was the Quileute and our encounter with the tribe the first time we moved to Forks. He watched as we dealt with the tribal leaders and the drawing up of the treaty that was agreed upon between our kind and theirs. Aro made a mental note of the location of the werewolf pack thinking to himself that it might become useful knowledge to him later on.

Aro's thoughts turned to pleasure when he discovered Alice and her special talent. He was almost as pleased with her as he was with me when he first discovered that I heard people thoughts. That was the first bit of information he made a mental note of soon after he witnessed my change. In fact, his first thought about Alice's gift was that she would make a valuable member of his guard; he had thought the same thing when he first discovered my ability. It surprised me, though, that he failed to see the value of Jasper's talent but that may have been because Jasper only used his talent to ease fears, anger, or anguish of others. Since Aro dismissed Jasper's ability, I decided it would be wise to consciously avoid other memories of Jasper's talents. It was bad enough that he desired Alice and I as part of his entourage, I didn't want to encourage him any further.

I began to notice that Aro skimmed through the next years watching events unfold with amazing speed. I had the impression he was trying to update himself on Carlisle's life, and he didn't slow down until that fateful day when Bella first walked into my existence.

Once again, the aroma of her delicious blood filled my senses as she walked into the biology classroom, and my yearning to taste it overwhelmed me. Aro reawakened that first day of torment and all my plans unfolded about how I could take her blood and why I couldn't. I realized Aro was also experiencing all of my desires for Bella's blood because of the slight darkening of his eye coloring, and I heard his mind uttering 'heavenly ambrosia, sweetly divine aroma.' Then Aro frowned as I gave up the chance to taste that which tempted and called to me stronger than anything ever had before.

He skipped over my memories of Alaska and skimmed through my time at school pausing at the day of Bella's near-fatal accident. He watched, as I did, as Tyler's vehicle slid toward Bella and her truck. He sensed my panic that she would be killed and my unthinking race to save her life. Amazement spread across his face as he realized I saved her not for her blood but for the person I was becoming attracted to in a more physical sense.

He watched my memories carefully as my longing for her changed from my desire for her blood to a desire to know her better. He sensed my grief for the distance that separated us, and my fear that she would run screaming from me if I attempted to befriend her, and at the same time, he sensed my unending desire for her blood as its sweet aromatic fragrance filled my senses. He tasted the desire in my mouth, but also experienced the struggled to overcome the desire for her blood. He noticed as the desire slowly changed to a growing desire to be near her, not as prey, but as something much more human.

I lost myself in the memories as he drew upon them and I found myself once more in her room watching her sleep. I re-experienced the first night I heard her murmur my name in her sleep, and I once again felt the jump of my dead heart as I realized she was dreaming about me. Me of all people; the one person she should be avoiding like the plague, and yet, there in all her innocence, she was dreaming about me and calling out my name. The emotions evoked by her voice uttering my name filled me with pleasure and pain at the same time.

As I reacted to my memory, I felt Aro's wonderment that any human could evoke such a response as Bella had evoked in me. His mind, as it wondered through my memory, seemed to recreate my emotions within him. Even as I felt a jolt near my heart, I sensed and felt this same jolt reenacted within him. I realized Aro was not only seeing my memories, but in some cases, he was experiencing the same emotional reactions that I had experienced and was experiencing as he drew these memories to the surface of my mind.

He next drew out the experience in Port Angeles when those vile men tried to attack Bella. All the fear, hatred, and horror at the fact that I had almost lost her a second time, overwhelmed me. A low growled built up in my throat as Aro pulled that memory to the surface, and I sensed a tension in the Volturi around us, but as the growl died so did the tension. Aro was quick to replace the Port Angeles memory with visions of our day in the meadow. Bella's face as she saw me in the sunlight, her expression as she realized I loved her, her smell as I nuzzled her neck, and the sweet taste of her lips as I kissed her all raced through my mind reminding me of what I had willing given up, and had now lost forever. Aro moved on to the time I spent with Bella, the growing love I felt as her chocolate brown eyes looked into mine. The depth of her eyes flowed vividly back into my mind. Once again, even in my memory, I felt myself falling into the depths of her eyes with the feeling that if I fell far enough I would reach her mind and find the answers to all my questions about her, only to find myself falling further and realizing there was no bottom.

My memory then jumped to James' hunt for her and the intense fear I felt about losing her. As if it were happening at that moment, I once again felt the dread when I read her message and the urgency of needing to reach her before it was too late. Then I saw her lying on the floor bleeding while James lunged at her. I felt an inner growl building up at the anger of his violation of her, and the thought of being to late to save her nearly toppled me to my knees, but I felt Aro's grip on my hand tighten as he too felt the despair and grief ripple through my body, mind, and soul. My grief, when I had thought I had lost her forever, caused me to sway, and for one brief instant, as I stepped back to stop myself from collapsing because of the grief, Aro lost his grip on my hand and the memories stopped, but almost as quickly as the contact was lost, he seized my hand and the memories began again.

He watched as I relived the moment when I realized she was still alive, the shock I felt when I discovered James had bitten her, and then the taste of her luscious, sweet blood as I began to suck the venom out of her. Even tainted with James' venom, her blood tasted sweeter than any ambrosia that one could imagine. I sensed Aro tensing up as he too experienced the taste of her blood through my memories, and his surprise that I was able to stop before I took Bella's life.

Throughout all the agonies I experienced about being close to Bella, Aro continued to wonder how it was possible for someone to resist the temptation that Bella's blood awakened in me. He felt the call of her blood as strongly as I did, and I sensed in him a desire to taste her blood just as I had tasted it. His thoughts – his blood lust – were filling me with those monstrous desires, and I willed myself to evoke only memories that helped me resist her blood.

Because of Aro's fixation on Bella's blood and my unwillingness to feed his desire for her blood, I forcefully pushed forward in my memories and skipped the visions of Bella in the hospital as I watched and waited for Bella to regain consciousness. Instead of Aro, I pulled up the next memory. I found myself standing at the bottom of the staircase at home looking up as I watched Bella descend in her prom dress. Bella may have protested Alice's ministrations that day, but the overall result was more breathtaking then even I had imagined. Every curve in her luscious body was accentuated, and I watched breathlessly as my angel glided down the stairs. Even in a cast, I saw only her perfections; I only saw her grace, charm, and beauty. If Aro had wondered how I could possible resist her blood, he should have learned from that memory how deeply I loved her, and that no amount of blood lust could have tempted me to take hers.

As much as I wanted to stay focused on the memory and that moment, Aro pushed forward and ended up on that fateful day that changed everything – Bella's birthday. Maybe I should have consented when Bella pleaded to stay home rather than forcing her to go to our house for the party that Alice had planned. If only Alice had foreseen what was about to happen, maybe things would have been different, but she didn't and they weren't and that was why I was here allowing Aro to touch me and pull out memories that I didn't want to relive.

Once again, I watched as Jasper lunged toward Bella as a drop of blood appeared on her finger. I heard his thoughts; he hungered for her blood, and he didn't plan to allow anything to stop him from taking what he wanted. The anger I felt toward him as his thirst rose up and threatened Bella's life and the hate I felt toward myself for bringing such danger into her life all overwhelmed me. It was at that moment that realized I would bring her nothing but harm and heartache. It was the moment I knew I would have to tear myself away from the only woman I would ever love, so she would be able to resume a normal human life; the normal human life she was meant to live before I interrupted it.

The moment of saying goodbye to Bella replayed itself in my mental visions. I once again experienced the shock I felt as I realized Bella believed the lie I was weaving about not loving her and the look on her face when she said, "_You don't want me_." It was not even a question for her but a statement of fact. I remember feeling as if I would cave in right then, her acceptance of that comment as a fact tore my heart apart. How could she have believed that, and worse yet, how could I have allowed her to believe that?

I didn't know which was harder to believe – the fact that Bella believed I didn't love her and didn't want her or how quickly she believed the unbelievable. Hadn't I told her how much I loved her? Hadn't I shown her how much I loved her? Yet it took almost no time to persuade her that I didn't love her, and the look on her face when I said, "_You're not good for me, Bella,"_ I'll never be able to erase that expression from my mind. It was indelibly imprinted there forever. If I ever had a reason to hate myself, causing her the pain that I saw on her face was all the reason I would ever need. 'Oh Bella, I miss you so much,' my absent heart screamed.

Then I saw her face again, as I did that night, after revealing her pain her face changed. I felt as if I were seeing an empty shell, as if Bella had vacated her body and only an automated voice were responding to my comments. Then, as I rushed away from her, I felt a sense of utter loss while yearning to embrace her and kiss every inch of her body.

The final memory he drew out was my utter despair when I realized that Bella had taken her life, that she no longer graced the world with her presence, and that I could not survive in a world where Bella no longer existed. I had thought that the pain of being changed was unbearable, but the pain that shot through my entire being when it was confirmed that Bella was dead was greater than any pain I had ever experienced before. I had known that my heart went missing the day I left Bella, but at that moment, I had felt it return only to be torn back out and shredded into a million tiny pieces. Each piece of my heart emanated its own pain, which filled my body and crippled me so that the only thought that remained was the desire to end my own existence as quickly as possible.

As suddenly as the memories started, they stopped and I notice Aro taking a step away from me. He stared at me as if trying to understand everything that he had witnessed and felt.


	8. Chapter 8 The Decision

_**AN: As stated many times before, these characters – and this plot – do not belong to me but to Stephenie Meyer. Thank you Stephenie for supplying us with wonderfully rounded characters.**_

_**As flattering as it is, I must state, here and now, that I am not Stephenie Meyer writing under another name. I have had a couple of emails asking me that, and I thought I would just clarify that I am not, nor have I ever had the opportunity to talk to or meet her. I must thank everyone, though, for the wonderful responses to all my stories. You don't know how much a review can mean to a person. Your reviews have been encouraging and moral boosting – so thanks once again. Now, on with the story, and as always read and review.**_

**_Added note: to avoid being told I'm plagiarizing, all dialogue in italics is word for word from either Twilight_ _or New Moon. Sorry I forgot to add that the first time I posted this chapter, it was not intentional just an oversight on my part. The dialogue in single quotations marks are thoughts - just so no one is confused._**

_**---------------------------------------------**_

**The Decision**

As Aro released his hold, I took a step back from him.

"Amazing, absolutely amazing," he uttered as he studied my face.

I quickly picked up the reactions of the others around the room. Some were shocked that I growled at Aro and wasn't punished for the act. Others were surprised at the emotions they had seen cross Aro's face as he trekked through my memories. Some were even surprised by the lustful thirst they had seen on his face, which must have resulted from my memory of the sweet alluring scent of Bella's blood. After a swift scan of faces and thoughts, I focused back on Aro.

"Can you really hear people's thoughts without touching them?" he inquired.

My first thought was, 'is that all he found amazing.' I hesitantly replied, "Yes."

"And you're willing to give that all up for love?" He asked calmly.

"Yes," I replied emphatically.

"Her blood, it sings to you. We would call her _la tua cantante_, your singer. I've heard it was possible, but this was more intense than anything I believed feasible, and yet you love her." He was shaking his head thinking, 'How can he possibly resist such an overwhelming call? Why would he want to?' Then he locked his eyes on mine and asked, "Why?"

If it hadn't been for the fact that I had been listening to his thoughts, I might have wondered what he was asking, but he must have realized I could hear his thoughts as well as others, so I knew exactly what he was asking. "Because it would have hurt Carlisle and my entire family if I had succumbed to my thirst, and I would've killed the only person I will ever love."

"And yet, that's exactly what happened by leaving her. You killed the love of your life – your singer, and to compound that, you're now going to devastate your family and Carlisle if you carry through with your planned actions." I was about to refute that comment, but he held up a hand. "No, don't deny that. You left her believing she would be safe and lead a normal life, but she jumped to her death. A waste really, but it's too late to change that now." His thoughts revealed that the waste to him was the loss of her blood. "You hold yourself responsible because you were not there to prevent her death, but it was her choice to jump, not yours." He paused and looked around the room, 'He'd willingly give up everything because of his love for this human. Another waste.' His thoughts were clear and his next words were predictable. "Maybe you just need sometime to think about your decision. Why don't you stay with us for a while? I would be pleased to have you as a part of our guard. You're abilities would make you a valuable asset to us. In time, you might discover this was a hasty decision and find that you're grateful to me for not allowing your destruction."

The thoughts of everyone around me seemed to echo Aro's opinion that it was better to stay and accept his generous offer, except one. One person in the room was remembering the loss of a soul mate and how the pain of that loss continually tormented him. It was possible that one member of the Volturi would agree with my decision. I could only hope he would sway the others to my point of view. "As much as I appreciate the offer," I decided it would not hurt to be polite, "I must decline. I have made this decision and do not foresee changing my mind." And then, the thoughts flooded in.

'Foolish boy.'

'What a waste.' Aro's thoughts mimicked the sound of his voice.

'If the master allows this, I hope I get to be in on the kill.'

'He's braver than I was; or maybe he realizes the pain will only become more unbearable as time passes. He must really have loved as deeply as I did.'

'The young have no concept of love. Nobody is irreplaceable.'

'I could change his mind, if the master wanted me to?'

'Maybe it's better this way. He might be a challenge to my position. The master thinks highly of his ability.'

'What insolence rejecting the master's generous offer.'

One thing was obvious to me, everyone in the room held a strong allegiance to the others of the Volturi, and to Aro in particular.

"And you won't change your mind?" Aro offered one more time.

"If I did, I don't think Carlisle would approve of my staying away from the family, and I have no desire to go on with my existence now that my world has ended." I didn't want to insult him; I just wanted him to grant my request. Insults could come later if I needed to provoke him into action.

'He must have really loved her. Marcus will know the depth of his feelings, and if they are truly deep, then he will understand them as well.' Aro had looked off to the group were Caius and Marcus were, and then turned back to me, "My brothers and I will discuss this matter and let you know our decision. In the mean time, please make yourself comfortable and take some time to become acquainted with some members of our guard. If you have any needs, they will see to them." With that, he turned and joined the other two members of the Volturi and the three glided toward the opposite end of the room and disappeared behind a tapestry that hung on the wall.

I had no desire to mix with the present company. Most of them found my request foolish and couldn't understand how or why I would fall in love with a human. From their thoughts, most of them viewed humans only as food, which made me wonder how long the receptionist would last before they turned her into a meal also.

Instead of mingling, I just wandered around the hall and picked up bits and pieces of conversations and thoughts.

"Do you think the master will appoint the task to us?" The two speaking were tall and muscular like Emmett. I imagined their worth to the Volturi was their strength.

'How could anyone love a human? Such low beings only worthy of serving our needs,' the darker of the two was thinking.

As I moved on, I came to a group Jane was speaking to. "Sometimes it is too easy. No one is immune to my ability." She looked over toward me before speaking to the group around her. "He was easy," indicating me with a nod of her head. "I could easily kill him with my ability."

She sure thought a lot of her ability; of course so did I until Bella came along. Bella was the only one who was beyond my abilities reach; no one else before her was the enigma she was. I couldn't read her mind and I had just learned to read some of her body language. Before we parted for the last time, the one thing I wanted the most was to know exactly what she was thinking, but at one point, even her face became unreadable. All emotion seemed to have drained out of her, I could read nothing in her face, and her eyes were no more than empty pits that revealed nothing of what she was thinking or feeling.

As I approached another group, I found the discussion focusing only on what the Volturi would decide.

"I don't know. The master seems intent on keeping him. If he really wants him as part of the guard, he will convince his brothers to agree with him."

"Well, he can be persuasive when he wants to be, but this one seems determined to have his way no matter what the price."

"It could be an interesting site to watch from a strategic point in the castle, unless he chooses some remote locale to be destroyed."

'I hope Heidi arrives soon; my thirst is intolerable. The monotony of waiting is becoming increasingly irritating.'

"Do you know if Heidi is due back today?"

"I think she should be bringing in the quarry today."

'Ah, fresh warm blood.'

I quickly tired of the voices and thoughts around me. Their thoughts were comparable to those I encountered at the high school level; no deep intellectual conversations, just gossip, opinions of ones own self worth, and pettiness about other's positions or actions. Despite what Aro thought, I would never be happy becoming a part of his entourage. Even if Bella had lived a normal happy human life, as I had intended for her, I would never have found this an existence that I would have enjoyed. I also had no intent to lower myself to their sordid level of existence by surviving on human blood or consigning humans to the role of cattle to be herded and slaughtered. I could not do that to the memory of Bella and my undying love for her or to Carlisle and Esme who taught me to rise above the monster that resided in all of us.

Thinking of Carlisle and Esme brought me to thoughts of my family. By now, Alice would have seen my intent and have shared it with the family. Esme, I knew, would be devastated by my actions. I realized, long ago, that she had allowed me the privilege of replacing the son she had lost, but as soon as I met my fate, she would suffer the agonizing loss of another son. I hated the idea of doing that to her, but I also hoped she would understand that I could no longer survive without my Bella.

My Bella, she was the most precious person who ever unsuspectingly walked into my life. If she had been like other humans, she would have run from me that first day and thereafter, avoided me like the plague on her life that I was. She should have done that; a normal human would have done that, but then Bella had proven to be unlike any normal human I had ever encountered in my eighty years as a vampire. Instead, she embraced me with her eyes wide open knowing exactly what she had been walking into. What was it she had said in those first days?

I allowed my mind to wander backwards to the beginning and to replay what Bella had said.

"_I did some research on the Internet."_

"_And did that convince you?"_

"_No. Nothing fit. Most of it was kind of silly. And then . . ."_

I had to prompt her to finish her thought.

"_I decided it didn't matter."_

Her statement had left me breathless – as if I had really needed to breathe. It was the last thing I had ever expected any human to say, much less one whose blood continually called out to me. My singer – Aro had called her that, and it seemed fittingly appropriate. Even from beyond her grave, I felt Bella calling to me as my memory of those first few days continued.

"_It doesn't matter to me what you are."_

"_You don't care if I'm a monster? If I'm not human?"_

"_No."_

So much honesty and truth had lain behind that simple answer that I was struck silent. How could it not have matter? I still couldn't totally comprehend why that fact had not caused her to run screaming from me, to leave me forever and never look back. Then I heard the reply made by Bella when Jessica had said, _"He is unbelievably gorgeous."_

I never heard Bella's actual words, only what Jessica heard in her mind. _"There's much more to him than that."_

When Jessica requested more of an answer, at which point I had been afraid Bella might reveal more than was safe, Bella just side stepped the questions by saying, _"I can't explain it right . . . but he's even more unbelievable behind the face." _I always wondered exactly what she meant by that. Had she been referring to my inhuman condition or something deeper than what I was?

When Jessica probed her about her feeling by asking, _"So you like him, then?"_,she provided a simple answer, _"Yes."_ Nevertheless, Jessica pushed further.

"_I mean, do you really like him?"_

"_Yes."_

Jessica was persistent, and I was thankful for that. _"How much do you like him?"_

"_Too much, more than he likes me. But I don't see how I can help that."_ Her response thrilled and confused me. It thrilled me to discover she believed she 'liked' me more than I liked her, but it confused me since I wasn't sure what she couldn't help. Had she meant liking me or the fact that she didn't think I reciprocated the intensity of her feelings?

At lunch, I sought clarification to her comment.

"_Do you truly believe that you care more for me than I do for you?"_

"_Yes, I really think that."_

I couldn't help but inform her that she was wrong, but she didn't agree with me.

"_You can't know that."_

"_What makes you think so?"_

"Well, aside from the obvious, sometimes . . . I can't be sure – I don't know how to read minds – but sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye when you're saying something else."

I was amazed at how perceptive she was for one so young, and I was going to explain that I was really trying to say goodbye but became side tracked by her comment about 'the obvious.' I needed her to explain what she meant.

"_What do you mean, 'the obvious'?"_

"_Well, look at me. I'm absolutely ordinary . . .."_ Look at her, how could I not help but look at her, she was beautiful, so that statement alone couldn't have been further from the truth. There was absolutely – to use Bella's word – nothing ordinary about her. She was the most beautiful person in the world and not just on the outside. Her beauty radiated from the inside out, not like Rose's, which to me was all surface beauty. No, Bella's beauty started inside of her, but she never saw that, and I never was able to help her see that, and the opportunity to rectify that mistake was gone forever.

'Wait,' I thought. 'That last day, did she think I was telling her that she was inferior to me?' I remembered telling her she couldn't come with me, but her reply was _"You . . . don't . . . want me?"_ It was a question, but I suddenly realized it was more than a question. I had told her she wasn't good for me. Was it possible she interpreted that to mean she wasn't 'good enough' for me? She always believed I was beautiful, that her being with me was odd because of our physical differences, but the physical differences she saw were not the ones I saw. Bella looked with different eyes, eyes that saw her as inferior, eyes that saw her as plain. I had been wrong about her response on that last day. That was why she had so easily accepted that I didn't love her, because she saw herself as being unworthy to be loved by me, not the other way around. 'Bella,' my heart cried, 'how could you believe such a thing. You were always more worthy than me.' I had misconstrued her reaction. It wasn't that she had so quickly believed I didn't love her; it was the fact that she had never felt worthy of my love. 'How could you fail to realize I loved only you with my whole being? I was the inferior one; I was the one unworthy of your love.' My unworthiness was the reason I said goodbye.

That thought brought me back to the issue of goodbye.

"But I'm not saying goodbye."

"Don't you see? That's what proves me right. I care the most because if I can do it, if leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to keep from hurting you, to keep you safe."

And that was exactly what I did. I left her for her own safety and protection even though it meant ripping my heart out and leaving it behind with her.

"_And you don't think I would do the same?"_ I heard her voice scream. I remember replying that she would never have to make that choice, but her voice replied, 'but I already did.' It was not a comment she had actually made, so where did her voice come from and what did she mean?

When had Bella ever said goodbye to me for my own safety and protection? Then I saw it; in her handwriting, it was staring me in the face.

" _. . . please, please don't come after him. That's what he wants. I think I can't bear it if anyone has to be hurt because of me, especially you . . ."_ Especially me? She meant that; she really didn't want me to be hurt – I told her that James couldn't hurt me, that we would all be fine against him, and that she should think only about her safety. _"He has my mother . . ."_ There it was again, her love and concern for everyone but herself. _"Please, this is the only thing I can ask you now. For me. I love you. Forgive me."_

I had told her I would never give her the choice to say goodbye, but I didn't give her the choice; it was a choice thrust upon her by James. She chose to leave me so James wouldn't harm me knowing all along that she might die. Even in her agony, she said goodbye to me so I wouldn't be harmed; I heard her pained voice on the video tape as she cried, _"No, Edward, don't –."_ I was wrong; I had made another mistake. 'You're stupid Edward; worse yet, your fallible.' How could I not have seen it before? It had been staring me in the face all this time. Bella did love me with the same intensity that I loved her; it wasn't a crush as she told her mother in Phoenix. I knew she had labeled it a crush for her mother, but I saw her as too young to know true love. I saw her love as the same fleeting love of other teenagers, a searing white flame that was quickly extinguished. Another mistake on my part; Bella's love was true and she knew it, but I failed to recognize it in her response to me. For Bella, this was a love she was willing to die for if it meant she would keep me safe. She had not only been willing to sacrifice her life for her mother's protection and safety, but for mine also. I had thought it was because she didn't think I would willingly risk her safety for that of her mother, but I had been wrong again. I suddenly realized I had made many mistakes where Bella was concerned. I was beginning to wonder if leaving her had been the worst mistake I had ever made, a mistake that had cost her her life.

Just then, I noticed the return of Aro, Marcus, and Caius. Their faces revealed nothing. All three were solemn meaning either answer was possible. I also noticed they had blocked their minds from me. As they reached the center of the hall, Aro motioned me to join them.

"Edward, we have discussed this among ourselves at some length and have come to the decision that given time you will change your mind about this reckless request. Therefore, we are denying your request to allow you time to think the matter over. I honestly believe time will heal your loss, Edward, just allow yourself the time to heal. Go back to Carlisle and your family; allow them to help you overcome this grief. And, if you should ever change your mind, there is always a place for you here." With that, he and his brother turned to leave.

I had been dismissed, but as he walked past the two guards who had been discussing a desire to be 'in on the kill,' Aro softly whispered to them, "Watch him. See that he does not create a disturbance while here. Do whatever it takes to keep our secret safe." Aro knew I would hear his thoughts even if I didn't hear his voice, so I wondered why he bothered to whisper. I wondered if it had to do with not allowing the others in the room to know he didn't trust me. He knew I would hear, one way or the other, so he must have wanted me to be aware of the fact that I would be watched. Well, I didn't have a problem with that; the closer they watched me, the surer I was that I would gain my desired results from this trip.

The only question left in my mind was how was I going to provoke those two guards into seeing me as a danger to their secret.


	9. Chapter 9 Edward's Sun

**AN: Disclaimer. This all belongs to Stephenie Meyer. I'm only trying to fill in Edwards side of the story, as best as possible. I do apologize if it offends anyone, or doesn't meet up to expectations.**

**I also want to apologize for the delay in posting. This chapter was finished last week but I was unable to download the chapter until today; I repeatedly encountered an error message every time I tried to download. I hope those who are still reading this story, will enjoy this chapter even with Edwards tormented thoughts. I do intend to continue this story, for any who are interested, to the end of New Moon; however, there will be repeated dialog from New Moon and I will give credit for that dialog because it is not a part of my own inventiveness but is the soul work of Stephenie Meyer. I will to send a big thank you to all who have been reading my story and all who have taken the time to leave a review. Those review are greatly appreciated and are an encouragement to me to continue this story.**

**Also a big thanks to my two betas who have done wonders to help improve my writing skills - (cnohero and ECAB) - you guys have been great and I appreciate everything you have done to help me improve my stories and abilities. **

Words in _italics_ are directly quoted from New Moon.

**-------------------------------------------------------**

**Edward's Sun**

It was dark when I exited the building, so I roamed around the town weighing the possible scenarios that would result in my demise. Aro had to know I would try something because two of his guards shadowed my every move.

I had quickly learned their names, Demetri and Felix. Their thoughts held no surprises for me. They just wanted to complete this menial – in their opinion – task as quickly as possible and return to more interesting pastimes. Felix's mind reminded me more of Emmett, continually looking for primal pleasures and corporeal challenges. His mind wavered between the receptionist Gianna, his thirst, and the pleasure in being able to end my existence. He was also sorry that Aro had instructed him to do nothing until I made the first move.

Demetri, on the other hand, just wanted this to end. He did not seem to take as much pleasure in this sort of killing as Felix did. Since they had to wait for me to be a threat, I decided I would let them wait; I had time, time to come up with a perfect plan that would not harm anyone but me. I had harmed more people than I meant to by the choices I made. I had hurt Bella by leaving her – maybe the family had been right when they tried to argue me out of that decision, but it was mine to make and I thought it was the best choice for Bella's protection. Yet, once I have accomplished my goal, I will have hurt my family as well, especially Esme. Esme had been a mother to me longer than my real mother had; I had filled a void in her life after the loss of her son, and I cherished the time she and I had shared, this would be like losing her son all over again. I silently asked her to forgive me, but this was the only choice I had left. My entire world was destroyed the day Rose called and informed me that Bella was dead; there was nothing left for me in this world, maybe not even in the next, but, if Carlisle was correct in his belief, then there was a thin strand of hope that I would see Bella again. I decided I would embrace this delicate frayed thread desperately since my entire being depended on it.

As I continued to wander around the town, I played out a multitude of different options in my mind like throwing a brick through a wall to demonstrate my strength, draining the blood from a variety of people and leaving them to be found, and demonstrations of other extreme physical abilities that we possessed. What I decided about most of them was that they were all too complicated, too dangerous to the humans in the town, or too showy. As quickly as I came up with an idea, I also came up with a reason why it wouldn't work or was a good safe ideas. As the ideas continued to flash through my mind, I began to realize they were becoming more and more complex and complicated. I continually found myself returning to the idea that I needed to keep this simple, then just as the sun was rising I hit upon the simplest most elegant way to end everything.

I could tell it was going to be a gloriously sunny day; people where already beginning to enter the streets and gather into small groups. I began to notice some of the decorations; red flags were hanging from the walls, there was more foot traffic then I had expected, and more uniformed human guards were beginning to mill around the streets. I realized some type of celebration was occurring, but I wasn't sure which one. I had lost track of the days since Rose called, and in my mind it didn't matter what the festivity was, it would just make my plan all that much easier.

I had wondered into the main plaza; there was a fountain in the center, tall walls all around the plaza making it easy to stay out of the early morning light, and a clock tower. I decided this would make an excellent stage for the execution of my plan and the execution of me. All I had to do was stay in the dark recesses of the alley and wait for the clock to strike twelve, and then I would step out into the noon sun and sparkle for everyone to see. That would be a spectacular show, and I was hoping the wait would irritate Felix. For some reason, of the two, I disliked him the most.

I found an acceptable alley where the sun would not expose me until noon, and then I leaned back against the wall and waited. To pass the time, I allowed every happy moment that I had shared with Bella to replay in my mind. I shut out any memory that would hurt or cause pain. I wanted to remember her as happy and in love. All other thoughts and voices I shut out of my mind because I wanted nothing to distract me from my last moments with the only girl, no not a girl but a captivatingly, warm, wonderful, loving woman, that I would ever love.

The only thing I allowed my mind to monitor was the position of the rising sun. As it neared its zenith, I began to focus on the fact that this would be the end. It couldn't end any other way. At least I wasn't hurting any one else on my way out of this world. Without Bella, this world held nothing of interest for me. There was nothing to keep me here any longer. I could already hear her voice; of course, I had been hearing her voice in my mind ever since that fateful evening when I left her. I could still see her lovely face, her beautiful smile, and her captivating deep chocolate eyes. I could also feel the warmth of her body, her smooth soft lips on mine, and her soft body molded to mine as we lay together at night. I could even smell her luscious sweet tempting blood. Her blood was the one thing that really brought us together, not because I tasted it, but because I had to resist it.

That first day when she first walked into the biology classroom, her scent had hit me full in the face and its seduction was almost too overpowering to resist, but I did, and that act helped bring us together in a way I had never dreamed possible. If I had killed her that first day for her blood, I would never have discovered what real love was. I would never have discovered that anyone in the world existed who could make me feel more like a man than a monster. Bella joked, the night of her birthday, about which tempted me more her blood or her body. If only she knew that her body had begun to entice me as much as her blood and that wanting to be with her physically had become the newest temptation I had learned to resist, I wondered how she would have felt about that; I wondered how she would have reacted to that admission.

The worst part was I would never know what it was really like to be with Bella. I would never see her smile again and never hear her telling me to be careful or stay safe. I would never lose myself in her eyes, and I would never taste the sweetness of her lips and kisses. I hadn't realized how amazing a kiss really was until I kissed Bella that first time. I almost lost myself, and yet it had only been a short kiss. Nevertheless, it had been extremely amazing. I would never experience that again. 'Why Bella, why did you do it?' I cried out in my mind. I wanted to reach out to her and ask her why she would do that to herself, to Charlie, to me. Why would she take herself away from us permanently? Had she lost all hope? Had I hurt her more than I had thought was possible? Had her actions been intentional or was it an accident? I wanted answers and I knew I would never get them, just as I would never get to see Bella again, unless Carlisle was right and there was hope for us after we truly did died, if that's what you could call it when we were destroyed.

As I stood there waiting for the sun to reach its zenith, I called forth a mental image of Bella. I longed to hold her once more, but if what I believed were correct, I would never see her again. On the other hand, if what Carlisle believed were right, then I would spend eternity with Bella.

Bella's image appeared quickly in my mind; I had evoked this image so many times over the last few days that I felt as if I could reach out and touch her. First, I looked into her deep expressive chocolate brown eyes. I saw her immeasurable love for me shining out of those eyes. Next, I imagined reaching out and caressing her pale velvety cheek, which would cause her to blush. Her skin felt smooth, soft, and warm to my cold imaginary hand. As I inhaled, her heady scent filled my senses and caused me to feel slightly light-headed. I realized her image was becoming more real as the sun climbed higher in the sky. I knew that I would soon discover who was right about our demise – Carlisle or I. I began hoping that Carlisle's theory was correct because my longing and desire for Bella grew more intense as I stood with my eyes closed and gazed on the image of my precious Bella.

Glittering was going to be a simple yet dazzling way to draw attention to myself, but I realized having just my arms and face shimmering was not going to be enough. I needed more. The exposure of as much bare skin possible was need in order to attract as much attention as possible so I ripped off my shirt. As I waited, I sensed Demetri and Felix lurking somewhere in my vicinity waiting the right time to attack.

I felt the wind caress my bare chest, and as it did, Bella's scent became stronger and more real. I knew I was closer to the end as I felt the sunlight creeping closer to my concealed position, and the closer it came, the more real my Bella became. Not only was her scent overwhelmingly strong, but I also began to hear her calling my name as if from a great distance. I closed my eyes imagining the great distance that separated us. Then I imagine that gulf of empty space diminishing as my existence drew nearer to its end.

With my eyes still tightly shut, I imagined what it would be like to hold her close to me; her scent and the sound of her voice were making her more real to my senses than I realized possible. Any moment I expected to feel her in my arms, but in the back of my mind, I was also aware that I would suffer as they torn me apart and burned my remains. I knew the Volturi would not allow me to survive if I attempted to step out into the sunlight, and when I finally took that first step toward the sun, I knew it wouldn't be long before I would cease to exist.

So, as I prepared myself for the first step forward, I wasn't surprise when I felt a body collide with mine. I had prepared myself for an attack, but this body felt soft and familiar that I intuitively wrapped my arms around it. At the same time, I was overcome with Bella's unique aroma. I slowly opened my eyes and realized the soft familiar body belonged Bella. As I stood completely astounded, I said, _"Amazing, Carlisle was right."_

I heard my name escape from her lips, and I was enthralled by how real it all felt. Out of curiosity and desire – desire being the most intense emotion – I reached down and briefly caressed her soft white cheek. I was still amazed at how soft and warm her cheeks were, and finally said, _"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good," _I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to her silky hair.

I knew I held my heaven in my arms and that this would be forever.


	10. Chapter 10 Impossible

_AN: Disclaimer – all characters and the dialogue in italics all belong to Stephenie Meyer and the dialogue comes directly from NEW MOON._

_**I apologize for taking so long with this chapter, but these chapters are now becoming harder because I have to follow the book. I haven't received many hits or reviews for this story, so I am being to wonder if it worth my effort to continue. Let me know what you think after reading this chapter. I do have one more chapter, at least, that I will post by next weekend. Depending on what I hear from you readers will help me decide what to do about this story. Thank you for your input and feedback.**_

Chapter 10 – The Impossible 

Last time:

I was still amazed at how soft and warm her cheeks were, and finally said, _"I can't believe how quick it was. I didn't feel a thing – they're very good,"_ I closed my eyes and pressed my lips to her silky hair.

I was entranced by the fragrance, which rolled off her like perfumed waves and I was amazed that even the strawberry scent I remembered had followed her to heaven. As I stood amazed and transfixed, Romeo's words swelled in my heart. _"'Death, that has sucked the honey off thy breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty.' You smell just exactly the same as always," _I mused as I drank in her exquisite beauty. Then I asserted, _"So maybe this __**is**__ hell. I don't care. I'll take it."_ I would accept anything God gave me as long as I could hold Bella in my arms and bask in her sweet luscious aroma for all eternity.

I heard her murmuring something and then felt her squirming in my arms trying to leave my embrace. I had no intention or desire to release her, so why was she trying to pull away from me; then I wondered what she had said a moment ago. _"What was that?"_

Finally, I hard her voice, _"We're not dead, not yet? But we have to get out of her before the Volturi –"_

Her words finally triggered the necessary apprehension in my mind that helped me focus my thoughts, 'not dead' – 'Volturi.' Too late to move to a safe location, I heard footsteps approaching and Felix's adverse thought, 'A tasty snack.' I hastily moved Bella behind me as her words and Felix's thoughts finally registered the fact that my existence hadn't ended yet. Rage as well as feral snarl swelled within me as a result of Felix's iniquitous thought, and then both nearly exploded as I realized she now stood with the walls of the most dangerous city _she_ could ever set foot in because of her forbidden knowledge, and it was my fault. 'And, how the hell did she get here,' I roared internally as fury ravaged my body, mind, and eternally damned soul. A muffled growl slid between my compressed lips as I allowed my internal irritation at myself to build into a frenzy; I knew if I didn't reign in my anger at myself and the situation, I would never have time to rationally ascertain a way to extract Bella from this latest danger I had plunged her into.

Taking a taut hold of my violent emotions, I acknowledge Aro's two henchmen, _"Greetings, gentlemen."_ At least I hadn't given them grounds for executing their mission yet, and I wouldn't tolerate Felix anywhere near **my** Bella. As dispassionately as possible, I informed them, _"I don't think I'll be requiring your services today. I would appreciate it very much, however, if you would send my thanks to your masters."_ I clenched my teeth in order to prevent myself from growling at the two men.

In a low voice, Felix suggested, _"Shall we take this conversation to a more appropriate venue?"_ Internally, he snarled in reply to my earlier growl.

His idea of appropriate and mine were vastly different, and I internally promised myself that I wouldn't allow Bella anywhere near the Volturi. My mind was feverishly racing through all the dangers that Bella would face if brought before the Volturi. For that reason, I did not intend to follow them anywhere, especially with **my** Bella in attendance. _"I don't believe that will be necessary. I know you're instructions Felix. I haven't broken any rules."_

While his unguarded thoughts reflected his growing concern for drawing unwanted attention from people loitering in the square, my thoughts were deftly searching for ways to use the presence of the humans as additional protection for Bella from both Felix and Demetri.

Demetri countered, _"Felix merely meant to point out the proximity of the sun. Let us seek better cover."_

As much as I hated to admit it, Demetri was right and I needed to move. I still didn't know how Bella got here or why, but I wanted to be around to ask her the hundred or so questions that had instantly come to mind. The foremost question was why she would endure such a risk coming here and what the hell was she striving to achieve when Alice saw her jumping off the cliff. I knew she had every right to be mad at me for leaving – mad was an understatement, she should be enraged; but again, as before, I needed to know what triggered all of this to transpire the way it did. What happened to make her risk her life? Why would she even think of coming to Volterra? If I ever needed to know what was going on in Bella's mind before, I desired it a hundred-fold at that very moment.

Even though I coveted these answers, I forced myself to focus on the situation in front of me, so I glanced at Demetri and wryly replied, _"I'll be right behind you," _but Bella's safety was my first obligation. Bella needed to be tucked safely away from these two, so I nonchalantly remarked, "_Bella, why don't you go back to the square and enjoy the festival?"_ I knew they couldn't follow her into the sunlight.

Felix sneered as he replied. _"No, bring the girl."_ 'The masters will want her present and I'm not going back empty handed,' his thoughts were internal snarls that hinged on his building disappointment at the lack of destruction.

I realized Felix could be extremely dangerous especially for Bella and I abhorred the hungry glare he directed toward Bella. She would never become his tasty snack. _"I don't think so." _I wouldn't surrender her to anyone without a fight. I might lose my life in the mêlée, but no one would touch a hair on her precious head – I would snap their necks before I would allow her to be harmed.

Bella barely uttered comment was easy to hear, _"No."_ The fear and concern undulated in her voice.

Under my breath, I warned her, _"Shh."_

'This could bode ill for us all if he doesn't reign in his anger,' Demetri's thoughts were fixed on Felix. Demetri verbally cautioned him, "_Felix, not here."_ Then he turned to me and added, _"Aro would simply like to speak with you again, if you have decided not to force our hand after all."_ 'If he will just cooperate and not feed Felix's anger, we could settle this amicably.'

I could discern from his thoughts that he spoke the truth, but I refused to drag Bella into mortal danger. Her safety was my primary mission. _"Certainly, but the girl goes free."_ I forced as much determination in my voice as possible. They had to comprehend that her safety was nonnegotiable.

Demetri knew Aro would not accept any excuse for not delivering all of us, so he said, _"I'm afraid that's not possible. We do have rules to obey."_

'Rules,' I thought brusquely, that meant no exposure to humans, and behind me stood the most precious human that ever existed and I've exposed her to the Volturi and their cursed rules. The last thing I ever expected to initiate was her personal introduction to the Volturi coven, but Demetri's thoughts were abundantly clear. He meant to relinquish her to Aro.

Rules might be rules, but fear for Bella's safety and anger about endangering her once again flared as I acknowledged to myself that I had no strength left in my being to lose her again, and I definitely rejected the idea of losing her to this group of blood thirty vampires, especially since I had only gotten her back after believing I had lost her for all eternity. No, I was not willing to lose her again. _"Then I'm afraid that I'll be unable to accept Aro's invitation Demetri."_

Felix was waiting to make his move and his threat permeated his thoughts, 'Let's just finish this.' He didn't like diplomacy; in his mind, actions were more satisfying than words. _"That's just fine."_

Demetri, on the other hand, didn't look forward to altercations if diplomacy would suffice. _"Aro will be disappointed,"_ and he and I both knew he was speaking the truth.

"_I'm sure he'll survive the let down."_ I sarcastically replied. Even though I knew Aro would prefer that we return, I refused to back down. I would not take Bella into a more dangerous situation than she was in already.

Felix and Demetri both stepped ominously closer, but spaced themselves so as to block off any escape I might try to make. They wanted me to back away, but I refused to move and expose my heart's desire to them. My main thought, my main concern was protecting Bella. I was ready to refuse anything and everything that might end up endangering her.

Suddenly, I heard a woman's soft footsteps advancing and from the voice in my head, I knew it was Alice. Her presence alerted me to why Bella was here in the first place and later I would demand an explanation about why she considered it necessary to catapult Bella into such a grave situation.

'Calm down Edward. Becoming upset will not help matters right now.'

'Calm down!' How was I supposed to calm down? Bella was facing a threat to her mortality and only my physical presence was protecting her, and worse, if not for me, she wouldn't be standing in the shadow of death but be home basking in the sunlight of a normal human life.

I noticed Demetri and Felix fix their attention in Alice's direction. As Alice gracefully rounded the corner, she commented, _"Let's behave ourselves, shall we? There are ladies present."_ Alice approached me quickly and calmly as if this were just a normal family reunion. Then she warned the two guards, _"We're not alone."_

Felix glared at the addition to our group, but Demetri took note of the humans in the square to whom Alice referred. _"Please, Edward, let's be reasonable,"_ he suggested.

I couldn't have agreed with him more but focused on my requisites not his. _"Let's, and we'll all leave quietly now, with no one the wiser."_ I would not let Bella become more embroiled in this situation than she already was. Her life was much too precious to me to risk losing it again.

"_At least let us discuss this more privately,"_ Demetri's frustration was evident in his voice. His main concern was not to lose control of the situation.

I could tell he was trying to coax me away from prying eyes and that neither he nor Felix intended to let us go. For me, this was unacceptable because Bella's safety was my first and foremost concern. I was positive Alice brought her, but I was unsure of Alice's motives; the fact that Bella was here filled me with joy and fear. Knowing she wasn't dead made my heart soar, but finding her in this unhealthy situation filled me with overwhelming dread. All these agonizing thoughts flooded my mind, and then I heard it – the familiar demoralizing voice in my mind.

'This has gone too far. I told Master that he shouldn't trust these two; Felix can be so unpredictable at times. I need to resolve this immediately.' Jane's mind reeled at the potential hazards that lay beyond the shadow of the alley where we stood.

And with her entry into the situation, I knew I had lost because she would use her power on all of us to forcefully and excruciatingly persuade us to go wherever she led. There would be no arguing with her, nor would I risk her afflicting Bella with her powers. Without realizing it, I clinched my teeth together and verbalized my resentment and rage toward our imminent defeat, _"No."_

I saw Felix smile as from behind us, I heard Jane say, _"Enough,"_ and I felt Bella lean around to see who had joined our unpleasant little group.

I knew there was now no way out, so I half-heartedly acknowledged her presence. _"Jane."_

Alice hadn't experienced Jane's powers, so she crossed her arms as to demonstrate that the newcomer did not impress her, but Alice also noticed I was done arguing. I remembered the taste of destruction that Aro instructed her to share with me, so I knew the pain she was capable of inflicting.

Jane simply commanded, _"Follow me,"_ before she turned and walked back into the darkness of the alley.

A smirk crossed Felix's face as he gestured to us to follow. His thoughts were just as nasty as his look. 'Let's see him refuse now. Jane will have him on his knees in a second, and she'll break his little human in half.'

Alice looked toward me for guidance; I didn't need to know what she was thinking. I just gave her a slight nod indicating she should follow Jane, which she did. I carefully and protectively drew Bella closer to me. I would never relinquish her until I had safely delivered her from this perilous situation. Bella looked up at me with a quizzical gaze but I knew now was not the right time to answer her questions so I just shook my head. Then I focused on Alice and causally said, _"Well, Alice, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised to see you here."_ She probably saw everyone of my pitiable suicide plans, and at that moment I felt like a absolute fool.

Replying in just as casual a tone, Alice said, _"It was a mistake,"_ I knew she was referring to Bella's death. _"It was my job to set it right."_

"_What happened?"_ 'How could she have gotten something like that wrong?' I demanded internally and fully expected her to answer once we obtained our freedom.

"_It's a long story,"_ Alice gave me a long exasperated look as I heard her mind saying, 'What didn't happen would be more like it.' _"In summary, she did jump off a cliff, but she wasn't trying to kill herself. Bella's all about extreme sports these days."_ Alice's mind flashed me a vivid image of Bella's jump and subsequent near drowning, and then added, 'Not only cliff diving but Laurent and Victoria hunting her and she made friends with werewolves. And this was **best for her**? There **is** more, but **now** isn't the time to discuss this. Later, when this is over, I'll share the rest.' Alice's fear was prominent in her thoughts as well, and I discerned her worries about whether she would be seeing Jasper again.

I noticed a flush appear on Bella's face but she kept her eyes focused directly ahead of her. Then I realized, I had to focus on what was occurring now; we were all still in danger and walking deeper into it with every step we took. I had to force myself to stay in the present and leave the rest for later. I would wait for her to explain how all of what she had done fit in with her promise not to do anything dangerous.

'Cliff diving,' I thought. I found I could no long maintain my causal tone, so I tersely replied, _"Hm."_ What else could I have said? It all boiled down to her taking those risks and it being my fault – it was my fault for being unwise in choosing to believe if I left she'd be safe - safe, not likely when she chose to befriend werewolves or went 'cliff diving.' I could not fathom what could have made her decide that 'cliff diving' was a recreational sport, and then I could not stop myself from wondering what other 'recreational sports' she had undertaken and why? Everyday normal life presented her with enough dangers, why would Bella feel like she had to go out and seek other hazardous activities.

I resolved that I would remain patient and wait for her to explain how her actions these past few months exemplifies her promise to do nothing _'reckless or stupid.'_


	11. Chapter 11 Darkness

_**AN: All characters and dialogue still belong to Stephenie Meyer and I thank her for allowing us to use them.**_

_**Read and enjoy.**_

**Chapter 11 – Darkness**

I realized I had too much to think about and berate myself for, and I still faced the problem of extracting us all safely from this situation, which was entirely my fault. I should never have taken Rosalie's word for what Alice thought she saw; I should not have jumped to conclusions, but _he_ had said Charlie was at the funeral. 'No,' I reprimanded myself, 'I should have gone myself to check the truth of the situation. It was my fault and now I'd only endangered her more. Her life was at great risk now than ever before because of my actions.

How could I have been so completely wrong? I left so she could have a normal life but nothing about Bella had ever been normal. Once again, because of my actions, she was facing another life-threatening situation, and I had yet to think of a safe way to extract us for it. I had yet to hear the whole story about what had transpired while I was gone, but knowing her penchant for danger, I imagined there were yet more dangers I hadn't been informed of that she had faced. On big questions I still faced was can she ever forgive me for what I have done to her?'

Hindsight would've served me well. If I had only checked the facts myself, I would have known the truth. If I had only allowed Alice to keep watch on her, she would never have been in harm's way. If I had only gone back to her two months ago when I first wanted to, I could have prevented so much. If I had only been wise enough, I would have realized the safest avenue of action was never to have left Bella in the first place. She was right when she said she would always need me. Emmett was right, I did need a good swift kick all those months ago; if only I would've known better, then Bella wouldn't be in this perilous situation that I created. My life was now full of 'if only's,' but there was no way to change them; my only hope, in Bella's case, was to try to make up for them if we survived this day.

Retrospect was not always good because I began to rage within; I had endangered not only Bella but also Alice as well by my actions, but I knew this wasn't the time to release my anger. I had chosen to leave Bella for her own protection, yet she ended up being surrounded by danger anyway. I had tracked Victoria, or so I thought, and yet Victoria had found her, and what was Laurent doing hunting her? My vengeful, self-loathing thoughts swirled like a tornado in my mind – how could I have been _so_ wrong? I never imagined Laurent would have been a threat to her.

Yet, by far, the worst danger she had encountered were the werewolves. I tried to protect her from my darker side and she goes off and makes friends with an even more dangerous group of beings! I walked out and left her completely unprotected. 'What a fool I am. How could I do that to her? How could I be so wrong about so many things?' My anger toward myself rose exponentially, but my fury at those who endangered Bella made my venom boil.

There was not a single reprehensible self-comment or action that I could do or say that I didn't deserve because of what I did to Bella. I caused all of her hurt, heartache, and suffering – perpetual horsewhipping would be too good for me. 'I left her in the clutches of a psychotic revenge consumed vampire, forced her to seek protection from a pack of unnatural dogs, and I'm now taking her into the midst of true blood-sucking killer vampires. No suitable punishment exists that is cruel or harsh enough to make me pay for what I have caused her or that I justly deserved for my selfish, heartless actions. Good intentions don't excuse what I have caused and I deserve absolute retributions for my reprehensible actions.' Within the deep dark dismal recess of what might be considered my soul, I felt like an eternity in hell would never be just punishment for me if I wasn't able to rescue my fragile sweet Bella from the hell I was escorting her into.

And I thought Newton was the worst of my problems before I heartlessly deserted Bella!

I felt the rage course through my body, and my hands clenched and unclench as the rage sought for ways to escape. The fury I felt created such unnatural strength in my body that I knew I could snap every bone in the body of even the strongest vampire. 'Felix, I dare you to challenge me now. I'd snap you like a twig,' I threatened internally. It was easy to understand why Emmett would sometimes go out and knock down trees when he was furious. I wanted to do the same thing or worse, but there was no way I would allow Bella to see me in such a rage. I wouldn't hurt her anymore than I already had. I would bottle up my feelings until it was safe, until I was somewhere where she wouldn't see the monster inside let loose. She already had to be mad at me, and I refused to increase her anger or hurt. I had a lot to make up. I knew it would take time to regain her trust and hopefully her love, but I would wait and do everything in my power to earn what I had lost. I loved her with every fiber of my being; I only hoped she would allow herself to love me a fraction of that. I would do whatever was necessary to make-up for all the hurt I caused her.

I hadn't realized how I had allowed my mind to wonder until I heard Alice say, 'Edward, I couldn't have stopped her from coming.' Then I noticed her drop down into a hole that Jane must have disappeared into since she too was no longer visible.

As we approached, Bella stiffened. I knew she wasn't ready to continue, but I softly reassured her, _"It's all right, Bella. Alice will catch you."_ I would do whatever it took to make this a less stressful fear-filled journey.

I watched, love swelling my heart, as Bella, trusting my words, slowly lowered herself to the ground and swung her legs over the hole. With a trembling voice, she whispered, _"Alice?"_

From below, Alice replied, _"I'm right here, Bella."_

The desire to scoop Bella up and my arms and run off with her was over-whelming, but I knew, as fast as I was, Felix and Demetri would be right behind, and as soon as Jane discovered what I had done, she would unleash her devilish ability on me and on Bella. She would show no mercy for a human for she only saw them as cattle to feed upon; she had no humanity left in her cold heartless body.

Instead, I gently took a hold of Bella hoping Alice was be able to catch her as gently as possible. I would not lose Bella again, and I wouldn't hurt her any further. I couldn't ever endure that pain a second time, and I was slowly realizing as much as I hurt before, I was no longer feeling that pain. My heart had suddenly felt whole the moment I held Bella in my arms. I forced myself to focus, once again, on the task at hand. As carefully as possible, I lowered her into the hole, and before I let go, I asked Alice, _"Ready?"_

"_Drop her,"_ Alice called back with confidence.

I slowly let go of Bella, and as soon as I heard Alice catch her and place her on the ground, I dropped down to join them. I didn't like being away from Bella even those few short moments, and as soon as I reached the bottom, I quickly stepped beside Bella and slipped my arm securely around her. I noticed how thin she felt. I hadn't remembered her being this thin and it made me wonder what else she had endured during my absence. What other anguish had I caused her?

As we began our walk through the ever-darkening tunnels, I kept Bella close to my side, but my mind continued its own dark self-vilification of my actions. The wretched voice in my mind declared that I was a selfish heartless clod unworthy of forgiveness, love, or trust. 'Oh God' I pleaded internally, 'I never knew I could find this kind of love, and I've massacred it.' I literally died inside knowing Bella could never love me again. I confessed to her that I didn't love her; I made her feel used and unwanted as we stood in the woods just outside her house.

An internal dialog began between my heart that unendingly belonged to Bella and the monster that resided within. 'How could she ever forgive that?' My heart pleaded. 'She can never forget or forgive you for what you did,' my internal demon castigated. 'How could I ever convince her that none of it was true?' My heart continued to cry. My mind rationalized, 'I should release the monster inside so it can destroy my worthless hide.' Then my heart argued, 'I might be able to build a friendship with her, but it's unlikely she'll every forgive me much less learn to love me again.'

I had been blind and stupid not to realize before that she was my life and only love. She had loved me before I deserted her, I was just to obstinate to admit that any human could love me the way I loved Bella, let alone Bella herself feeling that kind of love. However, she did love me in her own way, and I senselessly trampled that love thinking I was protecting her, but all I truly did was leave her in mortal danger – and to top it all off, I hurt her in the process. What a heartless cad I was; I was a worthless being, not fit to walk the same ground as that precious angel. Would I ever, I questioned, be worthy of her love even if it was not as deep mine, and then I realized something that I should have been intelligent enough to see before – maybe her love was as deep as mine and I just never gave her credit for having emotions or feelings that ran that deep into her soul. 'Had I misjudged her?' I asked myself. In my belief that I was always right, that I knew everything, had I missed the most important piece of information that Bella offered – that her love for me was as deep as the love I felt for her.

During my soul searching, I did reach one undeniable conclusion; now that she was with me, I did _not_ intend to lose her again. Waves of relief, love, and growing desire flooded my heart as I held her close. The hole I had endured all those lonely months had completely vanished, and my heart was filled and whole once again. I reached out and traced Bella's lips. I remembered their sweet taste but held back the desire to just sweep her up in my arms and passionately kiss her. I already had to endure the sighs from behind us, but I wasn't willing to increase my pace because I knew it wouldn't be safe for Bella to walk any faster than we were already traveling. I had to satisfy myself with kissing the top of her head and her forehead all the while drinking in her heavenly scent and berating myself for being so fool hardy as to leave her in the first place.

After I returned her safely home, I would dedicate my existence to her happiness. First, I was resolved to do anything to gain her forgiveness, and then I would endeavor unerringly to regain her love and trust. Whatever it took, I decided I was willing to do it. Anything she asked of me, I would say yes. I was heart wrenchingly lost and despondent without her. The hole no longer resided in my heart, and I had no desire for its return. Through everything I had endured, I had finally acknowledged to myself that Bella was my heart, and without her, I had become an empty, miserable aching shell. When Bella miraculously appeared in my arms, I had instantly felt whole, and it knew it was because Bella had reentered my world. I wouldn't leave her again; even if she did not allow me back into her life, I would stay as near to her as possible.

I hadn't paid attention to our walk because my senses and thoughts were all focused on Bella, but I soon felt Bella shaking slightly and then I heard her teeth chattering. I had enjoyed the feel of her body against mine that I hadn't thought about how cold she would become. Guilt once again overwhelmed me as I realized I couldn't offer her any body warmth, so for her benefit and not mine, because the last thing I wanted to do was release her, I removed my arm from around her and took her hand. As quickly as I released her, she threw her arms around me and with her teeth still chattering, she uttered, _"N-n-no."_

My heart foolishly leapt thinking she had feelings for me, but my rational mind acknowledge the fact that her reaction was not a result of love but a reaction to her fear for her surroundings. It also didn't help that the tunnel was too dark for her to see, and I guessed that she was using me as an anchor so she wouldn't trip and fall. I decided that I would accept that little bit of a need she had for me and hope that one day it would grow into something more.

In an attempt to warm her up, I began rubbing her arm hoping to create enough friction to cause some warmth to seep back into her chilled body. Because of my activity, we slowed down a little more, and I smiled to myself as I heard Felix's thoughts as he sighed in frustration. 'We could have been there by now if he'd just picked her up and carried her.' Then I became angry as his next thought reached me, but I refrained from growling. 'Seems like too much trouble for one insignificant pint-sized human.'

Between my concern for Bella's health and Felix's frustrated sighs, I felt a sense of relief when I saw a grate indicating the end of the tunnel. After passing through the grate, we approached a wooden door. I felt Bella relax as we went through the door, but I instantly clinched my jaw and tensed up as I realized where we were.


	12. Chapter 12 The Gift

**AN: First is the disclaimer – I don't own these characters or the spoken dialog in italics they belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Second, any bold words or letters in brackets during dialog are my additions to correct the grammatical flow of the dialog.**

**Third, the scene where Alice is asking Edward about letting Aro touch him comes from something written by Stephenie Meyer in response to a fan's question. I cannot remember exactly where I read it, but I did copy it down so I would not forget it.**

**With all of that said, the next three chapters will cover what occurred in Chapter 21 in New Moon entitled Verdict. I hope you will enjoy this. I will update as soon as my beta's are doing slashing, commenting on, and offering changes for my next chapter – thanks guys, you're great and all the slashes, comments, and offers help.**

**Chapter 12 The Gift**

The only redeeming virtue of the hallway we entered was its warmth and brightness because I felt some of Bella's tension and shivering lessen, but if she truly understood what our final destination would be, her tension would increase ten fold. In all sense of the analogy, we had literally moved from the frying pan and were entering the infernal fire. After a short walk, we reached the elevator, which conveyed us up to the reception area.

"_Good Afternoon, Jane," _The receptionist greeted with a polite smile as we approached.

"_Gianna," _Jane acknowledged her with a slight nod as she led us past the desk and walked toward her brother Alec who stood awaiting our arrival.

He smiled as he advanced and greeted his sister, _"Jane."_

"_Alec,"_ she answered embracing him and exchanging kisses on the cheek with him.

He looked my way and commented,_ "They send you out for one and you come back with two . . . and a half. Nice work."_ Jane responded with a laugh just before he greeted me. _"Welcome back, Edward. You seem in a better mood."_

His thoughts regarding Bella were not pleasant. He mentally acknowledged only two explanations for her presence – one, she was a possible threat, or two, she was a source of nourishment. Either way, in his mind he believed Aro would deal with her swiftly.

My mood wasn't that much better considering the mental images with which he was bombarding me. They only fueled the snarling animal within me, and I forcefully restrain the beast as I replied through clenched teeth, _"Marginally."_

He scrutinized Bella as he laughed, _"And this is the cause of all the trouble?"_ 'Doesn't seem worth the effort to me,' he added silently.

Alec's look and comment caused Bella to move closer to me, which I didn't regret; her nearness reminded me once again of what I had almost lost due to my stupidity. Then I tensed up as I caught Felix's thoughts from behind us before he spoke.

Off-handedly, Felix called, _"Dibs," _and I internally cringed at this thought while the monster in me wanted to lunge out and rip him to shreds for thinking about taking the blood it claimed as its own.

I felt a low deep snarl mounting inside and Felix continued to smile as his thoughts challenged, 'Come on and show me what you have.' Then he held his hand up and used his fingers to indicate he was ready to take me on. 'She's not worth the effort?' he continued to throw mental jabs at me, 'Or you're not man enough to take me on? That appealing little body of hers only holds enough blood to wet my appetite. First I'll take care of you and then I'll take care of her.' His taunts enraged me, and I was on the verge of exterminating him but Alice's quiet voice and screaming thoughts held me back.

"_Patience,"_ Alice warned verbally but her mind yelled, 'Not in Bella's best interest!' and in response I tried to take a deep calming breath, but it did little to soothe the beast within in me that still threatened to strike if provoked.

"_Aro will be so pleased to see you again,"_ Alec commented while seeming to ignore the looks that had just transpired between Felix and me.

"_Let's not keep him waiting." _ Jane added.

I just gave a nod of my head to show I understood as our unpleasant little group followed Jane and Alec although I continued to seethe inside.

As we entered the large room, Aro's pleasure was palpable as he offered his welcome,_ "Jane, dear one, you've returned!"_ His thoughts substantiated his vocal tone as he moved toward us, 'And with more than just Edward. Good, very good.' When he reached us, he greeted Jane with a slight kiss.

"_Yes, Master. I brought him back alive, just as you wished,"_ Jane answered with a congenial smile and internally she added, 'As thought the outcome was ever in question.'

"_Ah, Jane. You are such a comfort to me." _He turned toward us and smiled gleefully as he acknowledged Alice and Bella_. "And Alice and Bella, too! This __**is **__a happy surprise! Wonderful!"_

I easily picked up his thoughts as he gushed with pride that his Jane had brought all of us back to present to him.

Aro then turned toward Felix. _ "Felix, be a dear and tell my brothers about our company. I'm sure they wouldn't want to miss this."_ He had seen the look on Felix's face and decided it would be a good idea to give him a task that would remove him temporarily from the room.

"_Yes, Master."_ Felix was none too pleased by the fact that Aro told him to leave the room, and he continued to focus his mind on taking Bella's blood.

"_You see, Edward? What did I tell you? Aren't you glad that I didn't give you what you wanted yesterday?"_ Aro happily offered.

"_Yes, Aro, I am." _I could agree with his comment only because Bella was beside me instead of somewhere unwelcoming to my kind. When I inhaled her heavenly scent and drank in her gloriously beautiful face, my heart swelled and all the pain swept away, much like the tide sweeps away the beached debris after a storm.

I was happy to be standing with my arm wrapped lovingly around Bella, but I was also surrounding her with my protection. I would destroy anyone that threatened her well-being, and I would not drop my guard for a moment in this room. The distress I experienced with Bella being forced among these blood thirsty vampires made my insides clench; my entire body was coiled and ready to strike at a moment's notice. Instinctively, I tightened my hold around Bella's warm soft waist, and once again, I wondered how she could have allowed herself to become so thin.

Aro sighed, _"I love a happy ending._

'Happy,' I thought, 'what's so happy about being forced to bring Bella here? Happy will be leaving his death trap and escorting Bella home where she'll be safe. Happy will be Bella allowing me to stay as near to her as possible. Happy will be Bella being able to forgive me, and maybe, if I'm really lucky, she'll even find it in her heart to love me again. Now that will be a happy ending.'

"_They are so rare. But I want the whole story. How did this happen? Alice?" _His interest and thoughts were currently focused on Alice and her abilities, and he pondered how far her abilities went, and if trained properly, if her abilities could become more focused and accurate._ "Your brother seemed to think you infallible, but apparently there was some mistake."_

"_Oh, I'm far from infallible."_ Alice replied as she thought, 'Look at the mess this little error caused, but then how was I suppose to know about _them_.'

I saw Alice force a smile, but her thoughts were far from pleasant. She was still blaming herself and Rosalie for our predicament. Inside, I could tell she was seething with anger that she had made a mistake – a deadly mistake, but I wondered what she meant about '_them'_ and made a mental note to ask her if – no – _when_ we got out of here.

"_As you can see today, I cause problems as often as I cure them."_ Alice offered.

"_You're too modest." _Aro admonished_, "I've seen some of your more amazing exploits, and I must admit I've never observed anything like your talent. Wonderful!"_ He continued to list mentally ways her ability could be beneficial for the Volturi.

Alice shot me a quick glance as she nonverbally asked, 'How does he know what I can do? Did you tell him?' Before I could reply in my normal nonverbal manner, Aro saw the actions that passed between us.

To help clarify the situation, he offered, _"I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced properly at all, have we? It's just that I feel like I know you already, and I tend_ **to**_ get ahead of myself. Your brother introduced us yesterday, in a peculiar way. You see, I share some of your brother's talent, only I am limited in a way that he is not."_ He envied the fact that I didn't need personal contact to hear thoughts.

"_And also exponentially more powerful," _I couldn't help but addwryly._ "Aro needs physical contact to hear your thoughts, but he hears much more than I do. You know I can only hear what's passing through your head in the moment. Aro hears every thought your mind has ever had."_

I wasn't sure if I wanted the power he had. Over the years, I had discovered that there were certain memories and thoughts that people had that I didn't want to share or experience. If I had to hear and experience everything in a person's mind, I would end up isolating myself from humans completely for fear of what memories and experiences would come from some individuals.

Alice quickly pulled me back into focus by silently asking, 'And you let him touch you?' In reply, I just nodded my head. Her astonishment stood out as she wordlessly commented, 'I'm totally amazed that you let him _touch_ you.'

Aro longingly noted our quick exchange and enviously observed, _"But to be able to hear from a distance . . ." _he motioned toward our silent communication we had just exchanged._ "That would be so __**convenient**__."_ There was still a deep yearning present in Aro's tone, but before he could dwell further on how advantageous it would be, his companions walked into the room.

"_Marcus, Caius, look!" _Aro uttered._ "Bella is alive after all, and Alice is here with her! Isn't that wonderful?"_

They replied neither verbally nor nonverbally to Aro, but Caius was none too pleased to see any of us. His wish was that this situation would have been resolved according to the original plans, which included my demise.

Caius moved toward the wooden thrones as Aro uttered, _"Let us have the story," _to which Marcus moved beside Aro and placed his hand briefly on Aro's palm.

As brief as the touch was, Marcus conveyed to Aro that a deep intense everlasting love existed between Bella and it conveyed his surprise that I could feel so deeply for a human whose blood also overwhelmingly tempted my thirst. Marcus found the whole idea inconceivable. I found myself slightly offended since I knew that at this moment my love for Bella was much stronger and deeper than my thirst for her blood. He was also surprised that a human could harbor such an intense love for a non-human entity. This piece of information gave me a little hope that one day Bella might forgive me and allow me back in her life.

"_Amazing. Absolutely amazing."_ Aro declared

Alice looked toward me with her brows furrowed, 'What just happened?'

I explained swiftly and softly,_ "Marcus sees relationships. He's surprised by the intensity of ours."_ I tightened my hold on Bella slightly as I felt my love for her rise to the surface.

With a slight smile, Aro murmured to himself, _"So convenient."_ He had seen the unspoken communication from Alice to me and his envy was exceedingly evident. Then, looking toward us, he remarked,_ "It takes quite a bit to surprise Marcus, I can assure you."_

Aro paused and stared at Bella and me. I held my arm protectively wrapped around Bella and heard Aro wondering how I could be that close to someone whose blood held the allure that hers held for me. _"It's just so difficult to understand, even now. How can you stand so close to her like that?"_

"_It's not without effort,"_ I replied as I drank in her scent but not just the scent of her blood, but I also drank in the scent of her, and I loved her intermingling fragrances.

Aro was both awed and confused as he watched us. _"But still – __**la tua cantante! **__What a waste."_

I laughed quietly, for even now I thirsted desperately for her blood, but knew there was no way I would succumb to that thirst nor would I let anyone else savor her blood. 'A waste,' I thought. The real waste was to lose the only person in the world who meant anything to me, and at that moment, I wondered once more if she would let me back in her life because of my past actions. The waste was that I had left her in the first place, an error, in my opinion, that cost me dearly.

In response to his comment, I offered, _"I look at it more as a price."_

"_A very high price."_ In his mind, he saw it as too high a price; 'and for what?' he thought, 'Love?'

I didn't want to listen to his thoughts on love or on what I was missing by not draining every drop of Bella's blood, so I said,_ "Opportunity cost_**s**_."_

He just laughed at my comment. _"If I hadn't smelled her through your memories, I wouldn't have believed the call of anyone's blood could be so strong. I've never felt anything like it myself. Most of us would trade much for such a gift, and yet you . . ."_

"_Waste it,"_ I finished for him. It was what he had been thinking, but what he didn't understand was that I didn't see it as a waste. Letting her live, in my opinion, would never be a waste because the real waste would be losing her. The taste of her blood would linger in my mind and I would never forget it, but I would never again experience her love for me – that would be a waste. Besides, her blood was never a gift.

To me, the _gift_ wasn't the temptation or the taste of her blood; the real gift was Bella herself who had accepted me for what I was. She had been willing to love me despite the fact that I craved her blood. Aro had no idea what a gift _that_ really was; yes, her blood called to me. The flavor of her blood far exceeded anything I had ever tasted before or anything I would ever taste in the future, of that, I was sure. In fact, it was unique even in the annals of vampire history because there were so few humans whose blood sang out irresistibly to one particular vampire; but her blood was still not Bella's gift to me.

Love was the real gift; love was what helped me not to destroy her for something that was abundantly available. Blood could be found anywhere and derived from anyone, maybe not as sweet or tempting but still available; love on the other hand was not that abundant, especially within the vampire community. To find one's soul mate, one's other perfect half – that was the true gift – that was what Aro did not understand.

Yes, self-denial was the price I would willingly pay. By resisting her blood, I could delight in Bella's love, which was sweeter, rarer, and more fragrant and precious than even her blood. That was the one aspect that Aro couldn't or wouldn't understand about this entire situation, and as I was thinking all this through, I realized I had thrown her gift of love away all those months ago when I told her I didn't love her, that I didn't want her. What a fool I had been, I never looked past the part where I was doing what was right for her and now, when it might be too late, I realized what I did was wrong for Bella and for me, but especially for Bella.


	13. Chapter 13 An Offer You Can't Refuse

_**AN: All characters are still the property of Stephenie Meyer, and I do not claim them in any way, shape, or form.**_

_**I wish to thank those of you who leave reviews; it lets me know there are some of you who are still interested in the story. This has been the hardest story I have every tried to write because of the parameters I have been forced into because of the book. I apologize that this is taking so long to complete, but having to follow the book is the reason why I have been struggling with this story.**_

_**If you find any grammar or spelling errors, please let me know, I have been trying to go back and make corrections when necessary. Thank to everyone who reads this story, and especially to those of you who leave reviews.**_

**Chapter 13 An Offer You Can't Refuse**

Aro jostled me out of my reverie as he gushed, _"Ah, how I miss my friend Carlisle! You remind me of him – only he was not so angry."_

He was right; Carlisle was better than I would ever be, and I knew he was better in more ways than just this one. Had our roles been reversed, Carlisle would have stopped and calmly thought this all out before recklessly rushing into any decision. He would never have caused Bella any sorrow or peril. In fact, he would never have left Bella in the first place. I should have listened when he warned me that I was making a mistake. _"Carlisle outshines me in many other ways as well."_

"_I certainly never thought to see Carlisle bested for self-control of all things, but you put him to shame."_

"_Hardly." _I was growing tired of the banter, Aro brought us here for a reason, and I wanted to know the reason. I wanted – no – needed to know what our chances were of walking out of here all in one piece – all three of us It didn't feel right being _here_, it felt threatening. Nothing in this room felt right, and it definitely felt wrong for Bella to be here. The only thing that did feel right was Bella by my side and my arms protectively wrapped around her sweet body. I just wished I could make her feel warmer, for I felt her tremble slightly in my arms as I held her.

"_I am gratified by his success. Your memories of him are quite a gift for me, though they astonish me exceedingly. I am surprised by how it . . . __**pleases**__ me, his success in this unorthodox path he's chosen. I expected that he would waste, weaken with time. I'd scoffed at his plan to find others who would share his peculiar vision. Yet, somehow, I'm happy to be wrong."_

I wondered how Carlisle would feel about Aro's comments. Would he feel flattered or would he laugh, thinking Aro was only being obsequious as a way of influencing me to see the vampire existence from his point of view rather than Carlisle's. Deep down inside, Aro wondered how long Alice and I would continue to live Carlisle's lifestyle – he wanted to leave an open invitation to us both in case we ever changed our minds and decided to lead a 'normal' vampire existence. Maybe, I thought, Aro didn't know what family loyalty really meant. What it meant to stand beside each other, watch out for each other's best interests, or to risk your existence to stop your brother from making a very foolish mistake – as Alice had done by coming here. No, I would never consider leaving my loving family for the cold insensitive Volturi.

I began to tire of this game; my patience was waning and I fought to keep my face unreadable. These pleasantries were not answering the one question I needed answered, so I just stared at him waiting; eventually he would inform us – or think – of his reason for having us brought here.

"_But __**your**__ restraint!" _He let out a deep breath as if to prolong my agony. _ "I did not know such strength was possible. To inure yourself against such a siren call, not just once but again and again – if I had not felt it myself, I would not have believed."_ ' Why does she restrain himself? Why doesn't he just give in to his desires? Love couldn't possibly motivate him to resist the strength of her call.'

'Believe it,' I thought sarcastically. The problem was he had never known real love so he would never comprehend the affects of the love I have for Bella. I grew impatient listening to his thoughts on how tempting and sweet her blood was. The temptation was great enough without his adding his own temptations to it as well.

"_Just remembering how she appeals to you . . .," _he laughed,_ "It makes me thirsty."_

I stiffened at his words and his recollection of the sweetness of her blood because they were only fueling the thirst I was already staving off; and then I wondered if he planned to take her blood from me. That thought caused the monster within me to stir; it didn't want to protect her because of love but because of possession. Bella, in its feral mind, was a property and it was not willing to share her with anyone. Its possessiveness was growing stronger but before its growl of ownership could erupt, Aro continued to speak.

"_Don't be disturbed. I mean her no harm. But I am__** so**__ curious, about one thing in particular." _His mind raced ahead, 'As interesting as her blood might be, it is the other matter that's of more interest right now.' His eyes became eager as they lingered upon Bella. 'Could I be able to penetrate her mind when you can't?' He tentatively raised his hand as he focused on me and asked, _"May I?"_

As though my opinion matters; 'as though I have any control over Bella,' I wanted to say, but instead, I simply replied, _"Ask __**her**__."_

"_Of course, how rude of me! Bella, I'm fascinated that you are the one exception to Edward's impressive talent – so very interesting that such a thing should occur! And I was wondering, since our talents are similar in many ways, if you would be so kind as to allow me to try – to see if you are an exception for __**me**__, as well."_

The terror in Bella's eyes made my heart leap. I knew she was looking to me for reassurance and guidance, and as much as I just wanted to whisk her away from this room of monsters, I knew that was not an option, so I simply nodded. Besides, what choice did I really have, Aro simply could have reached out and physically touched her without asking anyone's permission.

Bella slowly turned toward Aro with her hand extended. I noticed her hand was trembling, this time from fear, rather than cold. I felt my heart wrench as I realized once again I was unable to protect her – I hate myself for not keeping my promise to be there if she needed me. She needed me now and I could do nothing for her. How could I have allowed this to happen – to have allowed her to come to this place and stand in front of this brand of monster? The only thing left for me to do was wrap my arms more protectively around her. Aro approached her slowly and then, without breaking eye contact with her, he touched her hand.

Instantly I realized if he heard her thoughts then I too would be able to hear them through him his mind, and I would discover whether she could still find it in her heart to love me. That small bit of hope caused my heart to leap joyfully. As quickly as that thought brought hope, another one crushed it. 'What if she now only saw me as the monster I was? What if she could never forgive me or love me again?' Those thoughts caused such a tightening in my chest that I desperately wanted to implore the powers that be to make Bella's mind as impenetrable to his mind as it was to me.

I waited with mounting dread of what I might learn, but then I noticed his smile slowly fade to doubt and finally disbelief. The entire time he had been reaching for her mind, but all he encountered was nothingness. His mind registered that fact that she stood in front of him that his hand touched her flesh and bone, but beyond that, it was as if she didn't exist. A forced half smile eventually replaced his look of disbelief, and his thoughts turned to displeasure.

"_So very interesting,"_ he finally ruminated as he let go of her hand and stepped away slowly.

His thoughts were extremely apparent. He had never encountered anyone, vampire or human who could completely block him out of his or her mind. He glanced at Alice and me briefly wondering if we had taught her how to close off her mind to him, but then realized the impossibility of such a feat for a human. 'No,' he reasoned, 'there was something here that I just never encountered before. I wonder how impenetrable her mind really is.' _"A first,"_ he muttered under his breath, truly astonished that this was even possible. He considered the impenetrability of Bella's mind and then wondered if it were as unreachable to others as it was to him. That thought perked his interest; he paused in reflection while looking at me and then decided to put his idea to the test. He said, _"I wonder if she is immune to our other talents . . . Jane, dear?"_

I reacted instantly to his plan to test Bella and without thinking roared, _"No!" _

The thought of Jane using her power to inflict my sweet precious Bella with a crippling pain just to test how far her immunity to mind manipulation extended overwhelmed my already wavering restraint. I was surprised when Alice grabbed my arm in an attempt to hold me back, but I just shook off her hold. I couldn't – I wouldn't allow Jane to harm Bella in any way, and Jane's growing pleasure at the idea that Aro would allow her to 'cripple this annoying human with unbearable pain' only augmented my anger. Her eagerness was evident in her voice as she replied, _"Yes, Master?"_

I wanted nothing more than to wipe that self-satisfied smirk off her face, and I heard a feral growl erupting from deep within my chest. The room became deathly silent and I saw Felix readying himself to attack me – his mind rejoiced in the idea of ultimately carrying out my destruction, but one look from Aro halted him in his tracks. Once again, Felix's anger flared at being denied what he saw as his right to destroy me.

"_I was wondering, my dear one, if Bella is immune to __**you**__."_ Aro told Jane while his mind warned me not to interfere.

'Not interfere!' I thought as I stood growling while I tried to shield Bella with my arms and fierce stance. He wanted Jane to test her powers on Bella and Jane meant to harm Bella as much as she could, and he expected me _not to interfere._ Even if Aro only expected a small test, I knew Jane had plans for more. From Jane's mind, I gathered that she saw Bella as a threat to her, but I wondered why someone with Jane's ability would fear a human.

As Jane anxiously acknowledged Aro's request, my anger rose to the surface because of what I knew would occur, and my thoughts returned to protecting Bella at any cost. I quickly released my hold on her and moved to shield her from both Jane and Aro. I spied Caius and those around him moving closer to watch the spectacle that was unfolding. It sickened me that their minds were focused on how this would be a good show – as if they were gathered to watch a sporting event on television. Jane turned towards us with a malicious grin on her face making her look like the monster she truly was; her vicious mind quickly filled with thoughts of the intense pain she would inflict. As rage and revulsion inundated my emotions my self control shattered and I impulsively lunged toward the petite monster who intended to mercilessly torment the gentlest most precious individual in the world, and as I leapt, I heard Alice cry, _"Don't."_

Jane's power hit swiftly and with such force, that I found myself writhing on the floor before I realized I had failed to protect Bella once again. I lost all sense of what was happening around me as the searing pain ripped through my body and mind. The excruciating pain debilitated me, and my thoughts of being Bella's protector instantly melted away as anguish tore through my body. This moment would be a memory I would happily erase after the pain vanished, but because our minds naturally retained all memories and knowledge, I knew my only option would be to bury this one somewhere deep.

Then, as suddenly as the pain seized me, it released me. I was no longer pinned to the ground by searing pain, so I quickly jumped up and searched for Bella with my eyes. I noticed Alice and Bella. At first, I thought she had been holding Bella but when I looked more carefully, I realized she was restraining Bella who was staring anxiously at me, but not anxious for her own well fare but for mine. I wished I could tell her not to worry about me, that she was in more danger than I was. I knew Jane's power could easily kill Bella. 'Bella,' I thought before swiftly glaring toward Jane. I caught her thoughts as they shifted from me and focused on Bella. My eyes snapped back to Bella as I fearful watched for the pain that Jane would send ripping through her small fragile body, but I astonishingly noticed only a fearful worried look on Bella's face.

Surprisingly, not the slight wince of pain appeared on her delicate face. 'Maybe Bella is immune to Jane's type of abilities,' I thought. I quickly glanced at Jane wondering if she had not yet made a move on Bella with her mind, but when Jane's thoughts slammed into my mind I knew she not only had attempted to focus all her concentrated powers on Bella, but she was also envisioning Bella shrieking as she laid writhing on the floor in immense pain. Looking back toward Bella, I thankfully saw no affect on her, but the affect of failure on Jane was extremely evident. The hatred and resentment were blatantly clear in her eyes and the set of her lips.

Instant relief washed over me as I realized Jane had no power over Bella, and I quickly moved to join Bella while indicating to Alice that she could finally relinquish Bella to my protection.

Aro laughed as he proclaimed, _"This is wonderful!"_

I listened to hear where Aro thoughts would lead him. I was looking for any clue in his mind to help us leave this place as quickly as possible. 'Jane had absolutely no affect on this human. Truly amazing and truly unique . . . I wonder . . .' and his thought abruptly stopped as he focused on Jane.

Jane released a hiss of frustration through her teeth and took a stance that made her look like a ferocious but diminutive warrior who was ready to pounce, and all her abhorrence and irritation were extremely evident on her face.

Aro was the one calming influence in the room. To him this was just another attempt to add excitement and pleasure to what must be a rather boring and long existence. He coolly reached out his hand and laid it on Jane's shoulder while reassuring her, _"Don't be put out, dear one. She confounds us all."_

He meant every word about Bella baffling him; he saw her as an enigma, one that he had never encountered during all his years on earth. His mind raced with thoughts of, 'How, why, and what's different.' He ineffectively tried to determine why one small human mind was impenetrable to the power of a vampire's mind but he constantly ran into a brick wall, that same brick wall that I encountered every time I sought out Bella's thoughts. She intrigued him beyond any other human he had ever met. His interest only raised my hackles, and my determination to protect her escalated significantly. I had tried and failed to protect her from harm; it was extremely evident to me that with or without my presence, Bella would always attract danger; it just happened that my current actions had brought her face to face with the most dangerous group of vampires on the face of the planet. Once again, I berated myself for not verifying my facts – I needed a mental note pinned to my brain that read, 'When it involves Bella, check the facts personally. Never assume anything.'

Despite the fact that Aro was barred from Bella's mind, and Jane held no power over her, hatred still flared up within me. He had attempted to hurt the dearest most beloved human being in my pathetic existence. He had dared to have Jane torment my angel, my life, my love, and I wasn't about to forgive him for that.

Suddenly Aro laughed, _"Ha, ha, ha. You're very brave, Edward, to endure in silence. I asked Jane to do that to me once – just out of curiosity."_

I couldn't believe anyone would intentionally want to feel such intense pain, but then I gathered from his thoughts that he had been fascinatingly interested in how it felt. Anyone who would desire to have that kind of pain inflected on them intentionally was foolish in my opinion, but I knew Aro was no fool. He did seem intent on garnering every bit of information from people that he could obtain, so maybe that was one of his ways of collecting information about Jane's ability. When he had touched me yesterday, he had gained a vast amount of knowledge about my family, but I was supremely happy that he was unable to collect any information or knowledge from Bella. Bella would be a conundrum that he would reflect on for some time to come; I could clearly read that fact in his mind.

As he shook his head about my endurance, his thoughts turned to amazement and amusement that I would willingly step in to protect one fragile insignificant human, and yet he was beginning to wonder how insignificant she really was. In his estimation, here was the first human that he had ever met who was untouchable by either Jane's or his talents; neither had a visible affect on Bella. In fact, he went so far as to admit to himself – and to me, since he knew I could hear him – that he had never met a vampire or human, in all his years, that was resistant to his or Jane's special abilities.

With a deep sigh, Aro asked, _"So what do we do with you now?"_

It's what both Alice and I had been silently asking ourselves, but to hear him say it aloud caused me to become rigid with apprehensive, and I saw the same reaction from Alice. Even though Alice stood silently, her mind told me, 'He can do whatever he pleases with us. With Jane by his side, there is no way we can force our way out of here.' Then the apparent tone of her thoughts changed. 'Please Edward; I don't want Jasper to suffer like you suffered when you lost Bella.' More than anything, I wished I could tell her that everything would turn out fine, the problem was, she was right. It all hinged on what Aro intended to do. Everyone in the room was looking to Aro to see what he would decide. This wasn't like yesterday when he and his 'brothers' had to talk over their decision. This time, Aro's mind was focusing on what he would do, and he did not intend to ask anyone else's opinion.

"_I don't suppose there's any chance that you've changed your mind?"_ He was once again offering me a place in his 'family', but internally he knew I would say no. He erroneously believed he was making us an offer we couldn't refuse, an offer that should change our minds. His desire to add our abilities to his group knew no bounds, and I knew he wouldn't be asking any of us to join if it wasn't for our special gifts. _"Your talent would be an excellent addition to our little company."_

My answer, however, would never waver, and internally I made myself ready to fight if necessary to extract Bella from this hell I had thrust her into, but I also reminded myself that I shouldn't start a fight if one could be avoided, so I slowly and carefully, in order to remain calm, replied,_ "I'd . . . rather . . . not."_ I uttered every word slowly to make my intentions abundantly clear.

There was no way I was telling him that I would join his retinue of sadistic fiends. I decided, at this point, that the one redeeming feature of Aro's power was the he couldn't hear what I was honestly thinking without touching me. Besides, I could not even imagine being restricted to this grotesque edifice. It was more like a prison than a home. I would miss the ability to be in the fresh air and to hunt in the woods, to run as far and as often as I pleased, and even to wrestle with Emmett and play baseball with my family. I would really miss my family – I felt a twinge of guilt for everything I had put them through these last few months.

"_Alice?"_ Still expecting a negative reply, but not willing to give up completely, he asked, _"Would you perhaps be interested in joining with us?"_

"_No, thank you."_ 'Like I'd ever leave Jasper or the family,' she shot toward me.

Very unexpectedly, Aro focused on Bella, _"And you, Bella?"_

I couldn't believe he had the audacity to ask such a thing. There was no way I could agree to leave without her, and I definitely could never leave her here knowing how ravenous everyone in the room was. My thirst was stronger than theirs was because of the intense draw of Bella's blood, but my protective impulses had surfaced and they far outweighed my thirst. If necessary, I would unleash my monster on everyone else in this room before I would tolerate any harm to come to Bella.

If I were unwilling to change Bella, why would I leave her behind for him to change her? Was it possible she would even think of staying, of allowing someone else to take her away from me? It wasn't as if she owed my anything; she had come to stop me from destroying myself, that didn't mean she still loved me. On the other hand, I did love her; I love her desperately and I didn't any of the monsters present in this room to touch their lips to any part of Bella anatomy whether to change her or not. Besides, she would never be able to survive their monstrous life-style. Her care and concern for others would be in a constant battle with her monster within; the monster would kill humans to survive. Her mind wouldn't accept the inevitability and eventually one entity would crush the other – only one would survive. I couldn't see that happen to Bella, I loved her too much to allow her to destroy herself. 'Please Bella,' my mind begged, 'say no.' And if she said yes, what would I do?

I would do the only thing left for me to do – I would fight. Fight to save her from this form of existence; save her from making a mistake she would regret forever. In fact, I suddenly relished the notion because it meant I could rip Felix's flesh to shreds; his mental reflections were the most intolerable – he regarded Bella as one thing only – an appetizing snack. To wipe the objectionable leer off his face would gratify me. As these considerations raced through my mind, I realized my wrath was causing me to hiss through my teeth at the insufferable idea of Bella becoming one of his unspeakable entourage.

Bella, Alice, and I were not the only ones surprised by his offer, the shock of what he suggested rippled through the others scattered about the room. His astonishing offer to a little known human triggered outrage as well as shock and surprise in the minds of the other vampires present, but the most vocal was Caius.

Caius' explosive antagonism broke the silence that blanketed the room after Aro's suggestion. _"What?"_

"_Caius, surely you see the potential," _Aro answered with a slight smile._ "I haven't seen a prospective talent so promising since we found Jane and Alec. Can you imagine the possibilities when she is one of us?"_

He was already mentally calculating the indispensability of Bella's addition to his guard. If her mind could already prohibit the entry of others, then he wondered 'What other extraordinary talents might she be capable of after I change her.'

His audacity to think I would tolerate him changing her overwhelmed me, and once again, my fury nearly reached its boiling point. If we didn't leave here soon, there was no telling what I might do to embroil us in even more danger than we were already facing.

His mind was not the only one focused on Bella's potential if changed. Caius and Jane were also internally voicing their thoughts on Bella's current and future abilities. Neither of them relished the idea of her joining them, and if they had their way, they would make sure she was dead before anyone could change her. I found their thoughts highly offensive. I was struggling internally to reign in my rage at their intense aversion to Bella, and the idea of her becoming one of them was even more odious to me.

In retrospect, I too was antagonistic to any idea of Bella joining their assemblage. Of course, neither of them wanted an addition that they could not control and manipulate when necessary. Just the thought of Bella having anything to do with these monsters made me seethe. Alice must have seen either a glimpse of how I could react to the thoughts bombarding me, or she saw something in my face because she very calmly but sternly ordered me to calm down adding, 'If for no other reason than for Bella's safety and protection. We cannot afford to do anything careless that might endanger her even more. Save your anger for after we escape from this nightmare.'

As I refocused my thoughts on Bella, I realized she was trembling, and then in little more than a whisper, she told Aro, _"No, thank you."_

Aro responded by saying, _"That's unfortunate. Such a waste."_ His disappointment at our rejection flitted across his thoughts.

As I stood, with Bella still in my arms, I surveyed the hostile faces around us, and I sensed the building thirst of everyone in the room. Felix, Jane, and Caius were at the forefront of the obliterations campaign, and if it came down to a fight, I would do everything within my power to protect Bella and Alice. Alice had risked everything to stop me from making a fatal mistake, and to allow Jasper to lose her would destroy him. If I had any hope, I knew my first target would have to be Jane, and somehow I would have to convey that idea to Alice. I'd never faced a spot this tight before, but I had two people I loved dearly counting on me to get them home alive, and I had no desire to fail. At this point, everything hinged on Aro's next words and I felt as if we were perched precariously on the rim of a volcano about to erupt and I wasn't sure if any of us would survive.

10


	14. Chapter 14 Verdict

_**AN: Same disclaimer, I own none of this and especially the quotes in italics which come directly out of New Moon by Stephenie Meyer. Any part of a quote in brackets is an editing correction that I made to the original text.**_

_**With that out of the way, I wish to thank everyone who was kind enough to leave a review to let me know they are still enjoying this story. In addition, I wish to apologize for taking so long, but I have been trying to earn back the respect of one of my beta's who says I have lost some of my dynamics in this story. She is right – this story has been very hard since I have entered the book directly. I'm trying to put in all the quotes and not lose any of the events occurring, but in the process, I had been ignoring the dynamic personality of Edward, and forgetting to include his deep dark agonizing thoughts. I hope I have been able to achieve that a little bit more in this chapter.**_

_**My thanks to everyone who takes the time to read this meager attempt at delving into the mind of your favorite vampire – my favorite, however, is still Emmett (BIG sigh).**_

**Chapter 14 Verdict**

Most of the others in the room turned their thoughts to what Aro would do next; we declined entry into what they considered their elite group, so the only alternative in their minds was our permanent removal as a threat. Felix's feral mind focused on claiming Bella as his blood prize after destroying me first. Jane and Caius were mentally voting on our utter, and in Jane's case painful, destruction, while others in the group didn't care what was decided as long as it didn't interfere with their forthcoming anticipated meal, and Marcus' mind was curiously silent.

I felt little trust for Aro; I knew he hadn't expected any of us to accept his offer, but then I suspected him of harboring alternative motives for meeting us here. This was the same room I had been ushered into when I made my request yesterday. 'Yesterday,' at that thought I almost laughed; yesterday suddenly felt so long ago and far away. So much had transpired in the short span since I had vacated this room in preparation for my ultimate destruction; now destruction was the last outcome I desired. My desires had sifted drastically since yesterday; my thoughts now focused on Bella's survival and successful extraction from not only this abominable room but also this accursed city. I instantly realized we were in this room for one reason, so the Volturi could pass judgment on us. I should have realized this the minute we had walked in this room, but I had focused on other concerns, and the myriad of voices had distracted me slightly. My rage – that seemed such a mild word for what I felt boiling within me – surfaced as I spat, _"Join or die, is that it? I suspected as much when we were brought to __**this**__ room. So much for your laws."_

'Does he really believe that?' Aro questioned in amazement, which caused me to wonder if I miss judged him. Then he said, _"Of course not. We were already convened here, Edward, awaiting Heidi's return. Not for you."_ His mention of Heidi brought thoughts and images of feasting to most of the minds in the room.

I shifted my focus directly on Aro's thoughts alone. As I searched them further, I unearthed no lingering thoughts of death or destruction toward us in his mind, although he was amazed by the fact that while I held my ravenous hunger for Bella's blood in check, I was unable to do the same for my mounting anger, but Caius' non-verbal outrage registered loud and clear. 'NO! NO! NO!'

"_Aro, the law claims them."_ He was condemning us to death mental and verbally. For him, the law was foremost in importance and he meant to speak his mind. His justifications were also evident in his thoughts, 'He revealed our existence to a human, a female child. They must pay for breaking our most important law.'

In truth, none of us had broken the law. I hadn't stepped out into the sunlight to reveal my unique difference from humans, Alice had kept herself in the shadows so no one would notice her, and Bella never revealed our secret to anyone, just as she promise almost a year ago when she first discovered the truth about us.

To force him to supply his reasons behind his statement, I challenged,_ "How so?"_ If there was any truth in his accusation, then we had a right to defend ourselves.

Stretching his finger threatening toward Bella, he accused, _"She knows too much. You have exposed our secrets."_

I could have easily told him that Bella never learned the truth from me, but he had it set in his mind that he was right and that punishment had to be meted out. I wonder how he would have felt if I had informed him that it was a teenager from a Native American tribe with legends of vampires and werewolves that had unwittingly revealed our secret.

Despite the fact that I exposed our secret to no one, I still wanted to shout in Bella's defense, 'She would never expose us; she has too much heart, but then what would you monsters know about heart. Her caring and giving soul would not allow her to harm others, but you wouldn't know about the beauty of the human soul. To you humans are nothing less than a commodity used to fill your needs and hungers. You refuse to realize that humans are not a disposable commodity. They have lives that deserve a chance to be fulfilled, instead of being abruptly terminated to satisfy your animalistic thirsts.' I knew of course that they would ignore what I said about Bella and take offense at what I would say about them.

What did they ever care about the feelings or rights of others? Then I remembered Gianna, the receptionist. 'Well,' I thought, 'Two can play at this game,' so I challenged their convenient set up, _"There are a few humans in on your charade here, as well,"_ I reminded him.

"_Yes" _Caius sneered, a twisted smile upon his lips,_ "But when they are no longer useful to us, they will serve to sustain us. That is not your plan for this one. If she betrays our secret, are you prepared to destroy her? I think not."_ Mentally he added, 'He doesn't even have it in him to change her. Love, what a blind, foolish emotion.'

I was right on both counts, he wouldn't know about the beauty of anything, and he did see humans as a disposable commodity to fill his cold-blooded thirst. I was beginning to wonder if Caius' lack of understanding and absence of any form of compassion were due to his longevity as a vampire or his continued consumption of human blood that caused a decay and eventual loss of all his prior human emotions, or if he was always this callus and unfeeling even as a human.

Bella valiantly tried to defend herself,_ "I wouldn't –"_, but he coldly stopped her.

Caius callously continued as if Bella hadn't uttered a word. _"Nor do you intend to make her one of us. Therefore, she is vulnerability. Though it is true, for this, only __**her**__ life is forfeit. You may leave if you wish,"_ he added cold-heartedly and as if he was dismissing an insignificant underling. 'And if he stays, then Felix and Demetri will finish the task they were commissioned with last night.'

Caius seemed to have the most diabolical mind in the room, and it was fixated on one event – the death of Bella, and if he could manage it, mine as well. He didn't seem to focus on Alice's death as he did on Bella and mine, but for whatever reason, we were the two he despised the most.

I clenched my teeth and with steely resolve, promised myself I wouldn't allow him or anyone else in the room to injury Bella without one impressive fight. I had lost her once through stupidity on my part, but I wouldn't allow it to happen again if I could help it.

"_That's what I thought," _Caius smirked when I didn't answer. 'It's time to finish this. I'll not let the law be broken without someone paying a penalty.'

It took every bit of restraint that I could still summon up to not lash out at him, and then I noticed Felix's look and I almost lost it. He leered hungrily at Bella as his mind declared his intentions, 'She's mine. It'll be my pleasure to take her right in front of him and he'll not be able to do anything but watch; Jane will happily hold him back.' I wanted nothing more than to raise my voice and declare to everyone that Bella was mine and I _would not_ allow any of them to claim her.

Only Aro's offer of hope helped me to control my building fury and stopped me from jeopardizing Bella's wellbeing even further. _"Unless . . .. Unless you do intend to give her immortality?"_ He had no desire to lose such a possible convert to his guard. 'She would make unique and interesting addition to our group. There is something more to her than what I can see,' Aro's mind was racing through the possibilities, some outrageous and some frightening.

I needed to stop his line of thoughts before I did something I would regret. I didn't need any more regrets at that moment; I had enough with my past actions, so I asked,_ "And if I do?"_ At this point, I thought I was ready promise almost anything to extract Bella from this infernal situation safely and intact and from Aro's growing theories about 'what if.'

"_Why, then you would be free to go home and give my regards to my friend Carlisle."_ Aro graciously offered but then paused as his thoughts pressed forward into mine, 'Heed my words carefully.'_ "But I'm afraid you would have to mean it."_

I seriously noted his threat, but at least he had offered me a way to save Bella; I just had to ask myself could I honestly say I would sacrifice her life for her safety and mean it. I loved her dearly, but to steal something so precious from her, and what if she no longer wanted to be with me, or with my family. I honestly believed I could say the words to save her life, but could I mean them, I wondered, and then I realized Caius was about to object to Aro's offer, but before he could, Aro raise his hand. I looked down at Bella; to steal her life wounded me more than I could say. I gazed deeply into her wide pleading eyes, and I knew I had to utter the lie to save her, but the thought of killing that beautiful life shining out of those deep chocolate eyes hurt more than I thought possible.

Very softly but overflowing with emotion, she whispered, _"Mean it. Please."_

She looked to me to save her once again, she counted on me to provide the protection she so desperately needed, and I sincerely wanted to do as she asked, but I knew deep within me that I would never be able to carry out the horrendous act. If I said I would, Aro would want to confirm it by connecting to my mind and then all would be lost for he would see the unadulterated truth. There would be no way I could convince him of a lie when he read the truth in my mind. I felt guilty of betraying Bella once more by remaining silent and I saw the deep ache in her eyes as my silence continued. I wanted to say the words, but I couldn't make my mouth form the lie I knew I had to utter.

It only took a faction of a second to struggle with myself about making a decision about what to do, but before I could resolve this issue, I started catching glimpses of an ever-changing vision that Alice was having. There was no way to decipher what Alice was seeing because she and I only caught bits and pieces, too many decisions rapidly being made and just as quickly changed during our meeting with Aro and company that there was no way to see a final outcome. The effects of the ever-changing visions were dizzying, to say the least. Even Alice was feeling dizzy from the constantly shifting sights.

Right then, I was glad Bella couldn't read minds, but regretted immensely that her mind was inaccessible to me. I needed Bella to answer a multitude questions that overwhelmed my mind, but now wasn't the appropriate time to ask them. Added to that, Aro had just asked the most problematical question anyone could have asked of me, and Bella had pleaded with me to say yes and mean it, but the questions was did she really want me to mean it for eternity or did she want me to mean it only to get her out of here alive.

I pushed all the questions I needed to ask Bella to the back of my mind and focused on the most important one that faced me. Could I truthfully tell Aro that I would change Bella, that I was willing to steal the life from the most important person in my life?

Before I could firmly resolve to make a commitment either way, I saw Alice step toward Aro and, she never once glanced at me as she continued to approach him with her hand reaching out toward him. I was shocked as I heard her thoughts.

'Edward, say nothing and control your temper; no matter what you see, don't react to it or we'll never get Bella out of here alive. I will do what has to be done; I'm going to show Aro exactly what he wants to see, but you must remain quiet no matter what you see and hear. Hopefully he'll believe me.' Alice's thoughts were so clear, and I needed to be mindful of her warning. I knew what Aro wanted to see, but it was the one thing I still was determined would never happen to _my_ precious Bella.

Aro, for his part, moved forward to meet her with a look of anticipation on his face. He was more than happy to pull Alice's thoughts and memories from her mind. I was not happy with her move; in my opinion, Aro didn't need to know any more about our family than he already did, but Alice planned on opening up her mind to him.

I watched as she cleared her mind of all memories she was unwilling to share, but she didn't realize that Aro had a way of digging into your mind and pulling out hidden memories even if you buried them deep inside. Both stood motionless as Aro took Alice's hand, and then Aro closed his eyes as he drank in her thoughts and memories. I observed as Aro pulled forth visions of Alice and Jasper's first meeting, her first vision of Bella arriving in Forks, and the accident that nearly killed Bella. Inwardly, I cringed at the sight; I had been only seconds away from losing her forever. Alice moved on to her first meeting with Bella, and Bella coming over to the house and meeting my family. That memory brought a slight smile, she had been more fearful about my family not liking her, rather than entering a household of vampires. Her next memory was of their frantic flight to Phoenix in an attempt to escape James and then I saw Bella's broken body lying on the floor bleeding. Before I could react, she shifted to the image of me sucking the venom out of Bella, and then Bella lying in the hospital hooked up to the machines. She then focused on her transformation of Bella – the most beautiful memory yet, for me – for the prom, Bella's disastrous birthday party, her own grief over leaving Bella, the vision of Bella jumping off the cliff, and finally her surprise when Bella walked through the doorway.

At that point the visions shifted, Alice was standing next to Bella saying, 'This is for both of you so you can be together forever,' then she reached up and bit Bella in the neck, and then the vision suddenly ended. I wanted to cry out when I saw her teeth sink into Bella slender white neck, and if I could have, I would have cried as I watched a thin thread of blood run from her wound down her neck. As I watched, I wondered if Aro realized I was seeing what he was seeing. Then I asked myself, was Alice serious about changing Bella, or was it just a decision for the moment so Bella would survive. It would have been easy to snarl at Alice's vision, but I knew what she did was a desperate attempt to save Bella and I couldn't afford to jeopardize that.

I knew the most important factor facing all three of us was to get Bella home safe. I wouldn't – I couldn't let anything else harm Bella, and I absolutely could not lose Bella again. It was heart wrenching the first time; I wouldn't survive a second. If I lost her because of my folly, my dead heart would shatter and I would cease to exist. There would be no need for a second visit to the Volturi because I would literally self-destruct.

I had promised to keep Bella safe, but I had failed. I could feel her frail body shaking as I held her close. The cold, I knew, had partially been induce her physical shaking was; I had earlier noticed, as soon as I had realized she was not dead, that her clothes were wet, and the trip underground, plus my cold body, had only made her colder, but I couldn't help but speculate if part of the shaking resulted from fear. I decided that as soon as we left this room I would do whatever I could to warm her up, but the fear I could only soothe out of her. If that meant holding her tenderly in my arms, caressing her arms and face, and kissing her gently yet amorously, then I would blissfully do my duty to soothe all of her fears away.

As Aro stepped away from Alice with a smile on his lips, he let out a loud laugh. I took that as a promising sign, so I searched his mind. He was extremely pleased with Alice's visions, and from what I could tell, he believed she was showing him the absolute truth. I was not about to remind him that Alice's visions were subject to change and often did change. That fact was not advantageous to our plight.

With his eyes were shining from excitement, he exclaimed, "_That was __**fascinating!"**_

"_I'm glad you enjoyed it."_ Alice's voice shared none the excitement that his conveyed.

"_To see the things you've see – especially the ones that haven't happened yet!"_ His mind was awash with excitement and desire to have a gift like hers and to have her as a part of his entourage. 'Amazing, simply amazing. She would be a magnificent asset to our guard and make a dazzling addition to our family.'

For his benefit, she simply added, _"But that will," _and to me she silently said, 'Stay calm. Let him believe what he needs to believe so we can all leave as quickly as possible.'

"_Yes, yes, it's quite determined. Certainly there's no problem."_

Aro may have viewed the problem as solved, but Caius, Jane, and Felix did not share his optimism or contentment. Jane remained indignant that she had no control over Bella's mind while Felix still craved her blood, not because it called to him as it did to me, but more out of spite that I ruined his fun when I didn't allow him to rip me to shreds, and Caius still required the letter of the law upheld.

Caius could no longer hold back his objections, _"Aro."_

"_Dear Caius, do not fret."_ A placid smile crossed his face as a myriad of options about Bella's future abilities flitted across his thoughts. _"Think of the possibilities! They do not join us today, but we can always hope for the future."_ In his mind, he was already envisioning the alternative scenarios that could occur. _"Imagine the joy young Alice alone would bring to our little household . . .,"_ his smile widened, 'To know what will happen before it actually happens,' his thoughts strayed, and then he pulled himself back to the present. "_Beside, I'm so terribly curious to see how Bella turns out!"_ He continued while his mind still fantasized, 'What potential, what possibilities. Why, she might be a greater find than even Jane.'

Bella being a vampire, no matter how great or unique her ability might be was a consideration I did not enjoy. Even worse was the idea that he was planning to make her a part of _his_ household because I absolutely would not allow him anywhere near her. 'The only household I will ever permit her to belong to is mine,' I internally yelled, and then I realized he even had me considering the possibility of her being changed. I instantly reigned in those thoughts that had briefly felt so pleasing and forcibly reminded myself that I would protect her from that ever happening.

Since Aro seemed convinced that Alice's vision was infallible, I hazarded commenting, _"Then we are free to go now!"_

With a small smile on his face, he replied, _"Yes, yes, but please visit again. It's been absolutely enthralling!"_ I found his mind still focused on the entertainments and enjoyments he had derived from this encounter and the possibilities of further visits from us in the future.

Caius' parting words rather than being pleasant were more of a threat, _"And we will visit you as well to be sure that you follow through on your side. Were I you, I would not delay too long. We do not offer second chances."_ From his look and his thoughts, I knew he was serious.

In response, I just nodded wanting nothing more than to leave as quickly as possible. The longer we stayed the more dangerous our situation became because of the escalating blood lust in the room.

Felix's only response to our release was a low groan, and then Aro informed him, _"Ah Felix, Heidi will be here at any moment. Patience."_

I caught the thoughts of many in the room focused on fresh blood, and with the thought of human prey nearby for them to feed upon, they were gearing for a feral feeding frenzy. If I wasn't careful, someone might pounce upon Bella and feast upon her. I also could not allow Bella to witness the act of ferocity that would shortly begin, and I definitely did not want her in the room when they did start their cold-blooded attack on their prey. Once it started, there would be no stopping, it would be like watching the relentless furious feeding of a school of piranha as seen on one of those wildlife documentaries, but the victims would be human. It definitely was time for us to take our leave._ "Hmm. In that case, perhaps we'd better leave sooner rather than later."_

Aro's thoughts concurred with mine as he glanced toward Bella. He too realized that once Heidi arrived it would be unwise to have her in this room. _"Yes, that's a good idea. Accidents __**do**__ happen. Please wait below until dark, though, if you don't mind."_

"_Of course."_ I could appreciate the fact that Alice and I would not make a good impression out in the bright Italian sun, and as anxious as I was to leave, I also didn't want to incur Aro's displease by exposing their secret to the unsuspecting citizens of Volterra.

"_And here,"_ Aro quickly signaled Felix to approach him. Then he reached out, removed Felix's cloak, and tossed it in my direction. _"Take this. You're a little conspicuous."_

I accepted his offer because I realized I was still shirtless since I had left mine lying on the ground in the alley. Besides, not only would it cover me until I obtained something else to wear, it would also serve as extra cover to help warm up Bella who was still shivering slightly.

"_It suits you." _ He accentuated his comment with a deep sigh. 'Such a loss – all three – what an addition they each would have made. Carlisle has earned their loyalty and I hope he appreciates that fact.'

I laughed softly as he examined his losses mentally, but was brought up short on his comment about Carlisle. He was right; we were loyal to Carlisle, but not loyal by his definition. Could he even understand how we all saw him as our father not our master that our loyalties were as a family?

Before we had completely departed from the room, I looked back and extended my appreciation for what Aro had done to help us escape unscathed, as it was the polite thing to do. It was odd that at that moment when we were barely escape a certain doom I had thought about Esme and etiquette. Esme would appreciate the fact that I could still be somewhat polite despite the unpleasant and somewhat antagonist circumstances. As a tribute to Esme's teachings, I offered, _"Thank you, Aro. We'll wait below."_

In parting, Aro said, _"Goodbye, young friends,"_ and silently added 'We'll meet again.'

As we began walking, I heard human voices in the distance and realized they were the ones Heidi was bringing. Hurriedly, I said, _"Let's go."_ My one thought now was to whisk Bella away as quickly as possible before she realized what was happening.

As we followed Demetri through the only exit in the room, I pulled Bella closer to me. I wanted to completely shield her from what was about to occur, but I knew we had left to late as the voice drew closer.

Alice realized it as well for she softly said, _"Not fast enough."_

The voices were coming closer and Bella couldn't miss them. We would have to pass the unsuspecting group of humans, as they were lead down the hallway toward the hall where Aro and the others anxiously and ravenously awaited their arrival. They were typical tourists looking around and examining their surrounds as they unknowing followed their guide to their inevitable demise. Like sheep to the slaughter, I thought. In an effort to screen Bella from what was about to happen, I pulled her as close as possible to my icy hard chest as we stood against the wall to allow this truly doomed group to pass. As soon as it was possible, I propelled Bella quickly toward the door leading out of the hallway. As Demetri and Heidi exchange greeting, I concentrated exclusively on getting Bella as far away as possible before she understood – or worse, heard – what was about to happen, but I failed miserably because before we could safely pass through the door, I heard the terrified screaming and smell the rich delectable blood of the humans as the feasting began.


	15. Chapter 15 Waiting

_**AN: All character and italicized dialog in double quotes (" ") belong to Stephenie Meyer and are directly from New Moon. I have only borrowed them for this version of the story.**_

_**Thanks everyone for being patient, being on vacation has slowed me down, but I am actually at a motel with wireless high speed internet, so I will post this. I hope there are not too many errors; my beta and I tried to get them all. I hope everyone enjoys this installment.**_

_** --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
**_

Chapter 15 Waiting

"_Do not leave until dark,"_ Demetri cautioned us before rushing back to the ghoulish feast occurring in the room we had recently vacated.

Gianna looked over at us, but remained verbally silent. Her thoughts however, revealed concern for Bella because she looked extremely pale, and then strayed to assumptions about my becoming part of the Volturi group. I noticed her eyes focused on the cloak I was wearing.

I quickly ignored Gianna and focused my full attention on Bella. She **did** look more pale than usual; the unpleasant encounter in the hall had to have had an effect on her not to mention the terrified screams we heard before we escaped the hall.

I could just image the visions furiously racing through Bella's mind about what had just occurred in the room we had recently left, this was added to the fact that she had just barely escaped being a part of that horrendous feast. When the screaming started, she would have seen those men and women having their necks ripped open as each one of the vampires began feasting. It would have been more merciful for the first victims because it would have happened so quickly that they wouldn't have had time to react, but for the others . . . they would have seen what was occurring and would have realized they would be next.

In Bella's mind, she would have seen their blood spilled and the look of horror on the faces of the humans in the room; she might even have empathized with their feelings of hopelessness when they realized there was no escape or chance for survival. Because of Bella's compassion for others, she would have wanted to protect every one of them at the risk of her own life, but she would have forfeited her own life along with theirs if she had tried. In her mental images it must have looked like those glorified slasher movies that seem so popular with adolescents.

Her images would have been right in regards to the looks of terror, the helplessness, and the loss of lives, but she would have seen no blood spilled. These vampires would be extremely careful to consume every drop of human blood; it would have been a waste of vital thirst quenching giving fluids to allow even one single drop to be lost.

Having been one of those human bloodsuckers, I knew how valuable human blood was to them. Humans were harder to come by because it requires great care to keep your presence undetected, so each drop of human blood was as valuable as any precious gem or stone, allowing even one drop to be lost was like carelessly throwing a handful of diamonds away because you thought they were just pretty stones. Animal blood was different; if some was lost in the feeding frenzy, that wasn't as bad because there were always more animals in the vicinity; our one precaution, as I once told Bella, was to avoid over killing any species in the area because it could disrupt the ecological balance in the area. On the whole, though, when we were careful no one noticed the loss of a few animals, not like they would have noticed the lose of a few humans.

Feeding off of animals rather than humans had on other benefit. I was much easier to dispose of an animal's body out in the woods than finding a way to dispose of a human body especially if you had to transport it out of the area. In this case, it was one problem I decided not to dwell on because I did not want to know where the Volturi disposed of their leftovers.

Softly, so only Bella heard me, I anxiously asked, _"Are you all right?"_ She had suddenly begun to shake more than before, and I could distinctly hear her teeth chattering. I became considerably alarmed about her health and wellbeing.

Even Alice noticed something was wrong, for she suggested, _"You'd better make her sit before she falls. She's going to pieces."_

Alice was right on both accounts, as I began to direct Bella to the couch, I heard deep wrenching sobs that caused Bella's small delicate frame to shake uncontrollably, and my first thought was 'Great, Edward. You couldn't ever protect her from seeing and hearing what real monsters were like.' As the heart-wrenching weeping continued, I began to worry about her well-being because her body was shaking so hard that I knew I had to do something to soothe her and help her calm down, my greatest fear at that moment was that she might not want to have anything to do with me now that she knew what kind of monster I truly was and would resist an comfort I might try to offer.

Fearing she might push me away, but still desperately needing to help her, I softly and gently said, _"Shh, Bella, shh."_

Alice, meaning to be helpful, offered, _"I think she's having hysterics. Maybe you should slap her."_

I scowled at her, not because I didn't believe her because I knew the signs of hysteria, but I still thought, 'How could she suggest such a thing? Bella was in bad enough shape, my slapping her wouldn't help, and if I wasn't careful it might harm her even more.' No, I had decided what Bella needed was to be comforted, and if she would let me, I would happily comfort her and soothe away all the fear and pain.

"_It's all right, you're safe, it's all right,"_ I crooned, and then I took the risk of pulling her onto my lap hoping to provide more comfort, but again fearing that she might pull away from me. To help keep her warm, I also used a part of the cloak to wrap her so she wouldn't have to touch my cold skin, which would only contribute to her frigid condition.

She wept, _"All those people."_

"_I know,"_ I replied softly.

"_It's so horrible."_

Bella finally had a realistic picture – but I was extremely thankful we did not stay long enough for her to obtain a firsthand picture – of what our true nature was like; if she had ever felt the slightest fear or abhorrence of us before, she must now be terrorized as well as horrified at what we were capable of. She must see that what I had been saying was true – we really were monsters, monsters who should only survive in dreams and the big screen not in real life. 'How she must hate all of us after what just happened' I thought.

"_Yes, it is. I wish you hadn't had to see that."_ I tried to comfort her more. If it had been in my power, I would have made her totally forget what had happened.

"_Is there anything I can get you?"_ Gianna inquired, while her thoughts focused on how ill Bella seemed. I knew she was being courteous, but I preferred to handle Bella's care myself. I planned to protect her as long as she would allow me to.

Although she meant well, I ended up taking my anger about what Bella just experienced on Gianna. As a result, my reply reflected my displeasure and was cold enough to send shivers through any human, _"No."_

"_Does she know what is going on here?"_ The question was demanding, and Bella's voice was muted and croaky, but her breathing was finally beginning to return to normal, which eased my concern, but only a little.

I refused to lie to her, so I offered her the truth about the situation, _"Yes. She knows everything,"_ and silently, I added, 'including what is going on inside of that room. In fact, she probably offered a reassuring smile and greeting to the tourist as they were escorted through this room.'

In an even smaller voice she asked, _"Does she know they're going to kill her someday?"_

Bella still amazed me by the questions she asked. I hadn't expected her to ask something like that at that moment, but I tried to reply without malice at what I knew and tried to soften my answer somewhat, "(She) _knows it's a possibility. She's hoping they'll decide to keep her."_

I wanted to add, 'just like I want to keep you, forever,' but that didn't mean I wanted to change her. I decided my problem was I never wanted to let her go or leave her side, but I also didn't want to change her. Now, with what she just saw, she'd probably never want that either, but I feared that would also mean that she wouldn't want me near her either especially since she had just discovered what kind of monster I really was.

I noticed Bella turning even paler than she had been as she said, _"She wants to be one of them?"_

It was what she wanted also at one time. I wondered if this would inevitably cause her to finally run away from me screaming. In reply, I just nodded my head, and then I scrutinized her face for her response.

I felt her tremble slightly as she softly asked, _"How can she want that?"_ Before I could respond, she continued quietly, almost as if speaking to herself. _"How can she watch those people file through to that hideous room and want to be a part of __**that**__?"_

My heart twisted in my chest waiting for her to push me away from her, for her to realize I was no better than they were. I expected her to be thinking how evil and monstrous I was and how far away from me she would have liked to be at that very moment, so what happened next surprised me.

"_Oh Edward,"_ she sobbed as tears quickly spilled down her cheeks.

'This was it,' I thought. 'She's going to jump up and run as far from me as possible, or she's going to tell me how much she detests me and never wants to see me again.' My heart felt as if someone had clamped a vise grip on it and squeezed tightly in an attempt to crush it. I was losing hope in the idea that I could correct things between us, and the belief that I could ever earn my way back into her good graces seemed completely hopeless at that moment.

Cautiously yet uneasily, I asked, _"What's wrong?"_ In truth, I was almost afraid to hear what she would say, and at the same time, I was trying to provide her with a modicum of comfort by gently messaging her back.

I became utterly shocked when, instead of pushing me away from her, she wrapped her soft slender arms securely around my neck. At the same instant that she chose _me_ to comfort her, the vise grip on my heart broke as it swelled with a greater love than I ever imagined possible for Bella.

Just as I thought it couldn't get any better, she hugged me ever tighter. Then, with her voice breaking, she asked, _"Is it really sick for me to be happy right now?"_

I almost laughed because my own happiness had surged as she wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. In response, I pulled her closer to me. At that moment all I wanted to do was pour out my declaration of undying love, hold on to her tightly and never her let her go, and declare to the world that Bella held my entire existence in her pale gentle hands. Instead, I softy whispered, _"I know exactly what you mean,"_ and I truly did know what she meant for I didn't think I would ever know a greater happiness than I did at that moment. _"But we have lots of reasons to be happy. For one, we're alive."_ And that was another interesting truth; at that moment, I felt very alive; alive to her touch, alive to her breath, and alive to her heartbeat, all of which were titillating my senses.

"_Yes, that's a good one,"_ she whispered as her breath softly caressed my skin.

Just the feel of her warm breath against my cold granite like skin sent surges of electric pulses throughout my entire body. I felt like I was reaching a sensory overload, but I loved every moment of it, and without realizing I had been holding my breath, I let it out as I softly added, _"And together."_ I liked the sound of that – together. What more could I want, I thought, but to be with the only person I truly loved for as long as possible, then reality crept back in and I remembered where we were and knew the only thing missing was being safe at home.

I felt Bella nod her head in agreement with us being together, and then I added, _"And, with any luck, we'll still be alive tomorrow." _ I thought, 'All we had to do is get out of here, onto a plane, and go home, but this time home would be Forks – I'm not leaving her again. I can't leave her again, even if she doesn't want me around her, I will still stay close enough so that I will be able to see her even if it is only from a distance.'

To my comment about still being alive, Bella replied, _"Hopefully,"_ but she didn't sound convinced of that fact.

'Was she still afraid Aro might change his mind? Or that we might be stopped from leaving here?' Reassuring her would be so much simpler if I knew what she was thinking so I could address her concerns first hand.

Alice stepped into the conversation with words of assurance; _"The outlook is quite good,"_ her mind was not fixed on leaving but on greeting Jasper as soon as we landed in Washington. In fact, Jasper was about the only thing Alice seemed focused on while we sat waiting for darkness to fall. With almost a sigh of contentment she added, _"I'll see Jasper in less than twenty-four hours."_

Bella fixed her eyes on me; she reminded me of someone who was dying of thirst and finally was able to drink a tall cold glass of water. I felt as if her eyes were drinking me in as she continued to gaze at me, but then I realized I felt the same way. She was my tall cold glass of refreshing water. She was refreshing my heart in ways I had never considered possible. I was still amazed that only just this morning I felt so crushed and desolated about losing her that I wanted nothing more than to be eternally dead, not as a vampire but in the sense of having my existence totally stopped. I would have welcomed Felix and Demetri bringing an end to my existence, but I didn't feel that way at all anymore. Now, I could find nothing better than to sit here and hold Bella on my lap and as close to me as possible. I never wanted to let her go; I wanted her beside me always.

I wanted to examine and memorize every inch of her face, and as I continued to stare at her, I was beginning to realize her face had changed since I had left her back in September. It was thinner than before and there was a new look of sadness in her eyes. If I hadn't known better, I would have thought we had lost our argument about being allowed to leave. Bella eyes held a lot of sorrow, and I knew it wasn't all caused by the recent slaughter of the humans. I could not tell just by looking at her what was causing the rest of it, but I didn't feel like this was the time or place to start asking her about the cause of what I was seeing. As I looked closer at her lovely face, I also saw signs of fatigue around her eyes.

I loved the color of her eyes and the depth of her eyes, but it bothered me that they were glazed over with new lines formed under them, so I gently followed the lines with my finger commenting, _"You look so tied."_

"_And you look thirsty,"_ she whispered softly. Ah, so like Bella to be thinking about others before herself.

"_It's nothing,"_ and surprisingly enough that was true because at that point, thirst was not my first concerned. At that moment, I was focused on Bella's health and well-being before my own needs.

"_Are you sure? I could sit with Alice."_

This was one time when Bella was easy to read; I could tell she was lying to me for some reason. I could tell she didn't really want me to leave; maybe that meant there was some hope for us, but then maybe she was just afraid of being left with only Alice as protection. I was right back where I started, confused about Bella's true feelings. I sighed as I finally said_, "I've never been in better control of __**that**__ side of my nature than right now," _and thankfully that was the truth because the last thing I would ever want to do was cause Bella pain.

Bella seemed to snuggle into my hold, almost as if she were seeking some type of warmth, but not bodily warmth. She was still slightly cold, but not near as cold as before. I knew the cloak had helped to warm her up some, but she didn't seem to be seeking that type of warmth. As I looked down on her, it surprised me how small and fragile she looked. For some reason she seemed smaller than I remember, but I have a perfect memory, so I wondered how that was possible. I also took this time to notice how vulnerable Bella looked with her wide eyes staring up at me, and her full lips that seemed to ask to be kissed. I wanted to kiss her; I ached inside from the desire to kiss her, but as with her blood, I refrained from taking one little kiss even though her lips almost held a stronger draw than her blood, but in a different way. If Bella only knew how deeply I loved her, would it make a difference in how she felt about me? Would it help me to revitalize the relationship we had before?

I had to stop torturing myself; I needed to focus on getting us home. So while Bella remained curled up and snuggled into my chest – she felt so warm again me – Alice and I began swiftly and in near silence to discuss how to get home.

"While you are taking Bella out of here, I'll go ahead of you and find a car suitable for taking us to Florence."

"What about tickets? Did you buy round trip or one-way tickets to get here?"

"One-way." Alice seemed a little sheepish about answering. "Remember Edward neither of us knew whether we would make it in time, and if we did, I had no idea of how long it would be before we left. Tickets shouldn't be too hard to obtain. I'm more concerned about Bella. She doesn't look very well."

"She has had a great shock, and I would hazard a guess that she is extremely tired. When did she sleep last?" That piece of information would help me know exactly how tired Bella was.

"I don't think she has slept sense we left Seattle. Maybe you should coax her into sleeping after we board the plane." Alice suggested. She too was concerned about how tired and drained Bella looked.

"When was the last time she ate?" Something that sometimes my family forgot about were Bella was concerned. She had to eat more often than we did.

"She ate on the plane coming over but not afterwards. I'm sorry Edward, I didn't think about that, and she hasn't had anything to eat all day. I'm surprised she is still standing, let alone awake."

"Look how thin she is Alice. I'm concerned about her health. This really had to have taken a toll on her. Not only has the stress of the situation taken its toll on her, but she hasn't had any time for her 'human' moments either, that too has had to have had an effect on her."

"She'll be okay Edward. She is stronger than you think. Much stronger than you sometimes give her credit for." She was thoughtful for a moment and she was recalling a talk she had with Charlie but was not supply any details. All I could discover was that she was concerned about how all this would affect Bella afterwards, and how Charlie would handle the fact that Bella had run off after me. Then her mind focused on the problem at hand. "As soon as we leave here, I will procure the fastest car I can find, while we're driving back to Florence I'll call the airlines about tickets. We'll get Bella home as soon as possible, and we'll get Bella food as soon as possible as well."

I frowned as Alice mentioned food.

"Don't worry Edward, she will be okay." Alice assured me. "We'll get her home safely, and when we do you will have a decision to make."

"No, Alice, I've already made my decision," I saw she was about to say something but I forestalled her by rushing on. "Not here, and not in front of Bella. You just get us a fast car, and we'll talk about it later."

As we spoke, I constantly watched Bella for any signs of shock, hysteria, or physical breakdown, I had tried to keep our conversation as hushed and speedy as possible so neither Bella nor Gianna could hear us, but I had a suspicion that Bella understood bits and pieces of what we had been saying. She was becoming better at listening; in fact, much better than I had ever thought possible for any human, than again, Bella was never nor ever would be just any other human. No, _my Bella_ was unique, extremely so, and I never wanted to lose her.


	16. Chapter 16 Her Call

**Chapter 16 – Her Call**

As Alice and I were finishing the plans for leaving this accursed city, she suddenly shifted her thoughts and asked, "_What was all that talk about __**singers**__?"_

I swung my thoughts around to the call of Bella's blood and focused on the scent for a moment before I replied, _"La tua cantante."_

Aro was right, her blood did sing to my thirst. Its call was almost irresistible; a heavenly sweet aroma, stronger to my senses than any other scent permeating the building. I could still smell the blood that had been consumed in the room we had escaped, but none of it had the allure that Bella's blood had, and then I realized, her blood pulled on my scenes in the same way music pulled me to the piano; both had a magnetism that I could not resist and both caused a desire to well up inside of me that irresistibly drew me to them. So Bella's blood really was music to my thirst, but Bella herself was music to my heart.

Alice penetrated my thoughts as she continued, "Yes, that."

I felt myself shrug, wondering if there was anyway that Alice could fully understand how it felt for me, so as best I could be explained, _"They have a name for someone who smells the way Bella does to me. They call her my __**singer**__ – because her blood sings for me."_ It was the best explanation I could give because her blood was a music that tugged on my natural thirst for blood, but this tugging was so different so much more desirable than any blood I had ever encountered before.

Alice just laughed. For her, it would not significantly register with her senses unless she one day encountered her own **singer**, but in all honesty, I would not wish that upon her.

For the next few hours, we all sat in silences. I could sense the weariness in Bella, sometimes her breathing would border on sleep, but then she would rouse herself. I could feel her fighting her body's natural desire to sleep, but for whatever reason she had, she seemed to be fighting it. The one good thing that came out of our time in the reception room was that Bella allowed me to hold her on my lap and keep her within my arms. I had at first expected her to pull away from me and sit some distance from me, considering how she reacted to the scene in the hall and its aftermath of screaming, but she didn't; she was allowing me to keep her as close as possible and for that I was extremely thankful.

Alice had tried to start a conversation a few times, but I ended up quickly signaling her to remain quiet. Finally, she reverted to our no-verbal form of communication.

'Are you hoping she'll fall asleep?'

I easily lapsed into our school cafeteria form of reply. I had no desire to disrupt Bella or indicate to Gianna that we were communicating, so in response to her question, I just looked slowly up toward the ceiling and then down toward the floor trying to give the impression that I was examining the wall in front of us.

'Is she fighting it?'

Again I gave the slow nod of up the wall and then down.

'Maybe she'll sleep once we leave here.'

I made no reply since I knew none was expected. Instead, I just held her close and kissed her as often as possible. My fear was, once we left this place she would pull away from me as was to be expected. Now that she had seen what we truly were, that in addition to the fact that I had run off and deserted her, would naturally cause her to pull away from me. So, as long as she would allow it, I kissed the top of her head, her forehead, and the tip of her nose, but what I truly longed to kiss where her lips, which were so close that I could taste them. It took every ounce of will power to resist the pull of her lips, and those full red ripe luscious lips sang to me almost more than her blood did, but I knew here and now was not the place to find out if she would allow me to kiss her.

To pull my mind away from Bella's lips and my desire to kiss her, I rapidly yet almost silently asked Alice, "Will you be able to secure a car quickly?"

"With this many tourist in town, it won't be a problem, and I will stop and retrieve the bags and meet you outside of the city, not many cars were allowed inside." Her words were rapid and inaudible to humans.

"I'll bring Bella to the city gates as quickly as possible. You drive; I'll sit in the back with Bella."

"Not a big surprise. Edward, there are some things you need to know before you talk to Bella about all of this. Things I haven't had time to tell you and that should wait until after we get her safely home." There was an edge of concern in her voice, and her eyes warned me not to press for more information yet.

Just then, we both heard footsteps approaching from the other side of the door leading toward the big room we nearly didn't escape. Without realizing it at first, I tightened my hold on Bella. If Aro had changed his mind, I decided, I wouldn't give Bella up without a fight.

I felt Bella draw herself closer to me as Alec walked into the room. His eyes reveled what had happened as their ruby gaze locked on the three of us. I had hoped that Bella wouldn't notice them, but the fact that she clung so tightly to me revealed she had noticed.

With a cordial tone, he informed us, _"You're free to leave now. We ask that you don't linger in the city."_

'As if I had such a desire,' I thought, but bitterly replied, _"That won't be a problem."_ I wanted to add, 'nothing could entice me to remain.'

Alec waited for no further reply before swiftly leaving the room.

Gianna, now that word have been given we could leave, was ready to direct us out. I helped Bella to her feet, regretting the fact that I could no longer hold her in my arms, as Gianna said, _"Follow the right hallway around the corner to the first set of elevators. The lobby is two floors down, and exits to the street. Goodbye, now."_

Alice glanced darkly in her directions as she silently commented, 'You'd better not say 'come again soon' because there is no way I will willingly ever return here.'

I said nothing. I kept my focus on removing Bella from this locale as quickly as possible. I was impatient as I waited for the elevator doors to open and allow us into the lobby. We blended into the crowd as soon as we exited the building, and shortly afterwards, Alice nodded indicating she would leave us to retrieve the bags and then procure transportation. Her parting thought was a hope to find another 911 Turbo, and she didn't care what color.

I noticed that a number of the celebrating tourists around us wore long capes and had those absurd plastic fangs hanging from their mouths. _"Ridiculous,"_ I muttered to myself.

I heard Bella's panicked voice asking, _"Where's Alice?"_

I had forgotten she wasn't privy to our plans, so I replied calmly hoping to soothe her panic, _"She went to retrieve your bags from where she stashed them this morning."_

Her next question was calmer but quieter, _"She's stealing a car, too, isn't she?"_

I couldn't help but smile at her perceptiveness, and then I wondered how much that fact bothered her. _"Not till we're outside,"_ I tried to sound reassuring. I could tell she was utterly exhausted and I wondered how she managed to stay upright. I supported her as much as possible all the while wishing I could just scoop her up and cradle her in my arms, but I knew it wouldn't look appropriate to those people who where milling around in the streets celebrating.

The walk seemed longer than necessary because of slowing down for Bella. I didn't want to rush her since she was extremely fatigued it would not help if she were to trip and fall or to pass out due to exhaustion. As we finally walked through the city's entrance, I heard Alice directing us to a dark car that was waiting for us in the shadows. I made all haste into ushering Bella into the back seat where I joined her. I would spend as much time holding her in my arms as she would allow because once we arrived home, she might push away from me and decide she no longer wanted me around.

"_I'm sorry,"_ Alice offered apolitically. _"There wasn't much to choose from."_

I knew before she left in search of a vehicle that she was hoping for something faster and sportier. _"It's fine, Alice. They can't all be 911 Turbos."_ I smiled at her desire for something faster to drive. I knew if the roles had been reversed, I too would have wanted a faster car. The faster we left the Volturri behind us the happier I would be.

With a deep sigh, she added, _"I may have to acquire one of those legally. It was fabulous."_

I could sense her deep admiration for the car she had driven here, and it wouldn't be hard to get one for her. Besides, I reminded myself, I owed her something for bringing Bella to my side – even thought the circumstances where not what I would have chosen – and giving me a chance to make amends for my offenses to her. _"I'll get you one for Christmas."_ It was the least I could do for her.

Alice turned around toward us with a huge smile on her face and declared, _"Yellow."_

I smiled in response. Color was no problem and neither was promising to buy Alice a car for Christmas. My overwhelming concern was keeping Bella close to me, and keeping her warm. I wrapped the cloak securely around her, and held her tight. Then I softly whispered, _"You can sleep now, Bella. It's over."_

I knew she was lying when she replied, _"I don't want to sleep. I'm not tired."_

I could see her face as she spoke, and I saw the weariness it reflected. I gently but lovingly placed my lips in the hollow on her neck under her ear. Her fragrance beguiled my senses sending a thrilling tingling sensation through me. How I loved the smell of her. After a small kiss, but without removing my lips from her warm supple skin, I softly murmured as I felt her heartbeat on my lips, _"Try."_ To which she just shook her head. I wanted to laugh at her resistance, but, instead, I just sighed. _"You're still just as stubborn."_

Instead of arguing, I decided I would just hold her close to me and savor every moment that I was allowed to hold her in my arms. I figured, if nothing else, Bella would sleep on the plane trip home; it would be dark and it would be enough time that she could have a good well-deserved sleep.

With our arrival at the Florence airport, Bella was able to have a few needed human moments, and Alice supplied me with some new clothes. I was happy to dump the dark cloak in the nearest trash bin and make myself more presentable. I also instructed Alice to procure tickets in first class for our trip home. I wanted to make Bella's trip as comfortable as possible, and I hoped the comfort would also help lull her to sleep. I figured she couldn't continue to fight it forever, she was nearly asleep on her feet already, but she proved me wrong after we board the plane in Rome that would deliver us in Atlanta where we would catch our final flight to Seattle.

As soon as the flight attendance asked us if we needed anything, she proved to me how obdurate she could actually be for she requested a Coke. Bella, I knew, had not tolerance for caffeine. It would wire her and keep her awake, and for what purpose she desired to remain awake, I wasn't sure. All I could do was scold her, _"Bella."_

"_I don't want to sleep."_ Her words may have denied the desire but her eyes and body were dropping with fatigue, but she offered a good defense for not succumbing to the sleep she so desperately needed. _"If I close my eyes now, I'll see things I don't want to see. I'll have nightmares."_

I feared she'd have nightmares whether she slept now or later, but I couldn't deny that nightmares were something she was trying to avoid. Her nightmares were also something I wanted her to avoid also, especially if she saw me as the monster I could truly become. Bella had just discovered there were two types of vampires, those who retained their humanity like my family and those who retained no humanity and allowed their monsters full reign of their thirst.

When I first realized Bella was still alive, my hopes soared that we would be able to rekindle our relationship, but Alice's comment that there were _things_ I needed to know caused me to brood over wherther Bella would be advese to re-establishing our past relationship. Alice didn't specifiey what _things_ so I decided I would wait until after I talked to Alice before I attempted to feel out what type of relationship Bella would allow me to develop with her. In the back of my mind, and I tried to push the thought as far back as it would allow itself to be pushed, was the thought that maybe Bella had moved on with her life. Maybe she had found someone else whom she cared for more than me, someone who she could live a normal human life with and with whom she could find happiness and have a family.

If that were the truth, then I truly had lost the most precious person who ever entered into my sphere of existence. I would mourn the loss but accept it because it would be Bella's choice to reject me for this other person; I would still be heartbroken and my world would be utterly devastated but it would be her choice, and maybe a safer one than remaining in my world. I would, however, remain on the outside of her world looking in but not interfering with her happiness. That was my practical side speaking, but my selfish side was whispering, 'Dazzle her. Win her back. No human is good enough for her; she's too special to live a mundane normal life. Step forward and win back her love.'

The hardest part to all of this was the fact that Bella was seated next to me, she was allowing me to hold her in my arms, and as I traced her beautiful angelic face with my fingers, she would do likewise with her warm soft gentle fingers, and her ever touch only reminded me more of how deep my love for her ran. To maintain my sanity, I pushed aside all thoughts of tomorrow and focused only on the moment at hand. I continued to trace Bella's face with my fingers, I drank in her heavenly aroma, and I kissed her in safe places. I kissed her hair, which despite everything thing had remained smooth and silky; I kissed her forehead because it was as close to her lips as I would allow myself to go; and I kissed her wrists in order to savor the call of her blood and reassure myself that her heart was still beating. It wasn't that I couldn't hear her heartbeat; it was just that I wanted to feel it beating, but due to the building thirst, I abstained from kissing her neck.

What I truly wanted to kiss were her lips. As I eyed them, they were full, rosy, and deliciously alluring, but until I knew where her heart resided, I refrained from kissing her lips. I would not, like my inner selfish side prompted, force myself back into her life. I wanted her to invite me back in because it was her desire and choice, not just mine. So, I held back and spent the trip to Atlanta only sampling with my lips what I considered the three safe places to kiss and continued to trace my fingers around her face while savoring the feel of her hands as they gently caressed the cold granite-like skin on my face. I felt I was as close to heaven as I would ever get, but dreaded the thought that it would be a short-lived visit, and that soon I would be cast out into the cold hell of an eternal existence without my angelic soul mate.


	17. Chapter 17 Going Home

**AN: I realize this is reposted, but I just discovered I forget to add a disclaimer, so here goes. **_**As always, these characters still belong to Stephenie Meyer, and the quotes in italics are directly from New Moon.**_

**I also corrected a few errors, and added a little more of Emmett as they reach Charlie's house. ****On a more personal note, I have discovered that because of writing this from Edward's PoV, I feel like I understand Edwards decisions and actions much better in Eclipse then I would have if I hadn't delved into his mind like this. Enough said – I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

**----------------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 17 – Going Home**

After landing in Atlanta, Alice hastily informed me that Carlisle and Esme would be joining Jasper to await our arrival in Seattle. I felt rather ashamed about what I had put them through, especially Esme. She had been as much a mother to me over the years as my own mother had been. I owed her an apology for everything I had made her suffer these last few weeks, and I owed Bella an even bigger apology, but I would wait to apologize to Bella until after she slept.

Why she forced herself to remain awake during our flight home was a puzzlement to me, but I noticed the nearer we arrived to Seattle the nearer she was to losing her monumental struggle. When we finally disembarked from the plane, she was nearly asleep on her feet.

Jasper calmly waited as Alice approached him, and their reunion was as quiet and non-demonstrative as usual. For them, their eye contact said more than words or actions ever could, so as they stood gazing into each other's eyes, the thoughts of their minds and hearts were revealed to each other.

Jasper's thoughts were predicable considering the recent events. 'This was entirely my fault. If I had lost Alice, there would have been no one to blame but myself. If only I had kept my thirst under control, none of this would ever have happened. Edward would never have left Bella if I hadn't lunged at her that night of her birthday.'

While Bella and I were making our way towards Carlisle and Esme, who stood in the shadows, Jasper was having an extremely quiet but rapid conversation with Alice. "Don't ever do that to me again, Alice. I could have lost you forever, and then what would I have done. I honestly don't think I could continue without you."

"I did what I had to do Jasper. Edward's demise would have devastated our entire family. We would never have been the same again."

"Then he just needs to change her, so this doesn't happen again."

"I know, but it's not that simple for him, especially since Volterra. Bella saw something he never meant her to see, and now it is even harder for him to think about changing her."

"Why did she go Alice?"

"Because she loves him and couldn't live without him. She did what Rosalie or I would have done in the same situation if it had been Emmett or you. We would have done whatever was needed to save you. She's in love with him and her love will never die."

'Could Alice be right,' I thought. 'Does Bella still really love me?'

As we approached Carlisle and Esme, Esme stepped forward and hugged Bella as she whispered to her, _"Thank you so much."_ Then she threw her arms around me, and I knew her words before they came out of her mouth because they monopolized her thoughts. _"You will __**never**__ put me through that again."_

Guilt rushed through me as the words, 'I couldn't bear to lose another child,' filled her thoughts.

I gave her a small smile as I replied, _""Sorry, Mom."_

Carlisle stepped forward saying, _"Thank you, Bella. We owe you."_

Bella's reply was little more than a faint mumble, _"Hardly."_

Esme said, _"She's dead on her feet. Let's get her home,"_ and I duly noted the reprimand in her voice.

I cringed slightly with internal pain and guilt at her term 'dead on her feet,' but Esme couldn't have known how close I had truly come to losing Bella to the Volturi.

Esme took Bella's other arm and with us walking on either side of her, we basically carried Bella out to the car. Bella was now more asleep than awake.

I heard Rosalie before I saw her, "Do you think he'll be very mad?" I knew she was talking to Emmett since he was the only other person who didn't meet us as we disembarked.

He gave a low rumbling laugh as he replied, "We'll know soon enough; here they come. Bella doesn't look too good; I hope she's not hurt."

I could sense the concern in Emmett's voice and I knew he was remembering last year when we found Bella broken and bleeding on the dance floor. I felt two emotions swiftly run through me, anger at Rosalie for nearly causing Bella's death in Italy, and appreciation for Emmett's concern about Bella's well-being.

Before I could say anything, Esme cautioned me, _"Don't, she feels awful."_

I replied loud enough so I knew Rosalie heard the resentment in my voice, _"She should."_

I wanted to say so much more, but Bella's nearly inaudible comment stopped me, _"It's not her fault."_

Even now, Bella was forgiving and generous. If she could forgive Rosalie for catapulting her into an extremely dangerous situation, maybe she could be a little forgiving toward my actions last fall. I didn't expect complete forgiveness; I expected to grovel at her feet and beg her forgiveness, and maybe a chance to prove myself to her, if she allowed it.

"_Let her make amends."_ Esme's plea confused me at first since I was focused on Bella, but then I realized she meant Rosalie. _"We'll ride with Alice and Jasper."_

I wasn't sure if it was safe for me to be in the same car with Rosalie, but once again it was Bella's request that soothed my anger. _"Please Edward."_

'How could I deny her anything,' I thought. So I suppressed my pent up anger and, as gently as possible, maneuvered Bella toward the car. As Emmett and Rosalie got in the front seats, I slid into the back pulling Bella along with me. I could feel her exhaustion and wondered anew why she had fought sleep since leaving Volterra. As I was pulling her into the car, I gazed deeply into the brown pool of her eyes. There I saw happiness, but behind that, buried deeply in her soul, I saw what I first thought was sadness. As I gazed deeper, I realized it wasn't sadness she was burying but fear. Of all the time I had wanted to read Bella's mind, that moment was when I regretted the most that I couldn't break through the barrier of her mind. As I continued to gaze into her eyes, Bella smile and let out a deep sigh. Once she was seated, she closed her eyes before burrowing her head into my chest. I felt her body physically relax, and I thought she was finally allowing sleep wash over her exhausted body.

From the front seat, I heard Rosalie mentally working up an apology just before she said, _"Edward."_

I cut her off quickly, _"I know."_ I was not in any mood to hear or accept her apology just yet. I wanted her to stew in her guilt for almost killing all three of us before allowing her a chance to actually apologize.

But she wasn't willing to give up, so she tried again. _"Bella?"_ I definitely wasn't happy that she was keeping Bella from the sleep she so desperately needed.

I heard Bella murmur hesitantly from my chest, _"Yes, Rosalie?"_

"_I'm very sorry, Bella,"_ she offered. _"I feel wretched about every part of this, and so grateful that you were brave enough to go save my brother after what I did. Please say you'll forgive me."_

Even though I had hoped Bella would tell her no, I knew she wouldn't. It just wasn't in Bella to hold something like that against Rosalie, so it didn't surprise me when I heard her murmur, _"Of course, Rosalie."_ But what she added next did surprise me, _"It's not your fault at all. I'm the one who jumped off the damn cliff. Of course I forgive you."_ Her voice was so muffled by sleep that if she had been talking to anyone with normal hearing, they would never have heard or understood what she had said.

Emmett chuckled deeply as he told Rosalie, _"It doesn't count until she's conscious, Rose."_

And again, almost inaudibly Bella replied, _"I'm conscious,"_ but she wasn't fooling me, I knew she was rapidly falling asleep, and if Rosalie would leave her alone, Bella would quickly succumb to the sleep overtaking her.

I smiled as I looked down upon her head as it rested against my chest. I knew it was hard and cold, but Bella seemed not to notice the chill nor did she seem discomforted by the rock hardness of my chest. I was not about to move her either because I felt deeply contented with her leaning on me. Softly I warned, _"Let her sleep,"_ as the smile remained upon my face.

As Bella drifted into a deep sleep, I had time to gather my own thoughts and focus on the thoughts around me. Rosalie was mentally realizing how much Bella must love me in order for her to have risked her own life to help save mine. Emmett had a smirk on his face as he thought, 'I knew she loved him as much as Rose loves me. There's no way she would have done this otherwise. She was safe at home, but risked it all for him. He'd better learn to appreciate how wonderful Bella really is and what a true treasure she is.' What I wanted to know the most was something I realized only Bella or maybe Alice could tell me, and since Bella was unreachable, I reached into the other car to Alice's mind.

Alice was telling Jasper that everything would be better, but Jasper's mind was berating himself. 'This was entirely my fault. If I maintained better control over my thirst, none of this would ever have happened. Edward wouldn't have left. Bella wouldn't have done whatever it was that caused Alice to think she died. Alice wouldn't have had to risk her life to save Edward's.' There was a break in his thoughts as an image of Bella's face as she walked through the terminal flashed through his mind. 'Why did Bella go? Only a deep love causes someone to risk their own life for the one they love.'

Alice's thoughts were focused on Jasper so I was unable to discover what I might expect from Bella when she woke up. I still was no closer to discovering whether or not she would allow me back in her life or what had happened to her while I was gone.

With Bella finally asleep in my arms, I began to consider how worried I had been about her fighting so hard to stay awake on the trip home; I feared that she would make herself sick. I was still trying to sort out in my mind why she had refused to allow sleep to wash over her. If she had slept sooner, she might now be more refreshed and we might have the opportunity to talk over where our relationship went from here.

"Is she sleeping?" Emmett softly inquired from the front seat.

"Yes," I replied succinctly.

"Edward, what happened to her?" There a slight tension in his voice.

"She met the Volturi." I figured that was enough of a reply to make even Emmett realize how much Bella had just gone through.

"That only explains a part of it, but it doesn't explain the rest," he retorted.

"What do you mean?" My brain felt cloudy for some reason. I wasn't catching the full context of where his mind was going. Maybe the cloudiness was a result of the fear, worry, and concern I had felt for Bella through the last hours.

"Edward, she's thinner and she looks like death warmed over, as the saying goes. This is not the result of one trip to Italy. There is more to it than that. It takes more time to reach those results than a few days. I thought you said leaving her was in her best interest." His voice was taking on a hard edge. "From the looks of her, I'd say you were wrong."

"You're right; I made a mistake. A mistake I'm not sure I can correct." I admitted weakly.

"You're not leaving her again, are you?" He growled softly.

"I'll stay if she will allow me to stay. I have no desire to leave." I had no desire to experience the pain that I knew would return if I left her again. She held my heart, and to leave would be to rip it out of my chest once again as I left it behind. It would always remain that way; I had freely given her my heart, my love, and there was no way to retrieve it; besides, I didn't want to take it back.

"Edward, she loves you." Rosalie offered.

"How can you be sure of that?" Doubt ran rampant through my mind. After what I had done to her by leaving and then risking her precious life by taking her into the midst of the Volturi, how could she ever find it in her heart to forgive me, much less love me?

"Edward!" They both exclaimed loudly.

"Shh . . . you'll wake her," I warned. Now that Bella had finally fallen asleep, a sleep which she so desperately needed, I wasn't about to let anyone disturb that sleep.

"Edward," back to whispers, Rosalie continued, "Bella would never have gone to Italy if she didn't love you. The manner in which you left her should have caused her to hate you, but what she did was an act of love, not an act of hate."

"She's right you know," Emmett chimed in. "What Bella choose to do was the act of someone in love. Think about it, Bella chose to enter a situation fraught with danger for her in order to save someone who cruelly left her behind. She must have known that she and Alice were risking their lives to save yours and that it was possible that she might not have survived. Yet knowing all of that, she went anyway. Now tell me, how is that not love."

"Okay, I'll admit that what Bella did was extremely dangerous for her, and she didn't need to do it out of any duty to me after what I did, but maybe it was just her friendship with Alice that compelled her to help or maybe she did it because she is just the type of person who would sacrifice herself to help someone else regardless of her feeling toward them." I heard Emmett growl from the front seat. "Emmett, just because she did it, for whatever reason she did it, doesn't mean she still loves me. This is still about her and what is best for her, but I find I can't leave her unless she sends me away. So, for the time being, I'm staying."

"Because you love her," Rosalie added. "Edward, I'm sorry about all of this. I didn't think you really felt that way about her."

"What, you didn't think I could ever love anyone?" I responded scathingly.

"Well, I did have my doubts about the depth of your feelings," she replied.

A low growl erupted from between my teeth. 'She really thought there was no depth to my feelings; after three months of hell, pain, and torture, how could she think that,' I thought.

"Edward, if you really loved her as much as you had said, you would never have left her, especially in the manner you chose. It was too cruel to make someone who loved you to believe you didn't love them. You walked out and left. You never even looked back or wondered if you had done the right thing. To me, I thought you did it because you really didn't love her. How was I supposed to know, I based my belief on what you did, not on what you said," Rosalie replied defensively.

"Please, Rosalie, I'm already aware of the fact that what I did was wrong, and it maybe something I can never rectify. I may have thrown away my one chance at love away forever. Bella may never trust me again, and she may never love me like that again. She may have started over and found someone else. Someone who will make her happy and not hurt her like I did. If that is true, then I will allow her to be happy."

"So you'll leave again," Emmett growled.

"No," I admitted in defeat. "I can't bear the pain of being away from her, so I'm staying. Even if she no longer wants me in her life, I need her so I'm moving back."

"We all are," Emmett added. "We'll be here for you and for her."

"You really have found love," Rosalie concluded with surprise. "I never thought you capable of this kind of love, but I guess with you it seems to always be all or nothing."

The rest of the drive went by in silence and I treasured the moment with Bella leaning against me as she slept. My arms were protectively wrapped around her and I vowed that I would spend the rest of my life doing everything I could to make her happy and safe. Her protection would be my soul responsibility, and no matter what I had to sacrifice, her happiness would come before mine.

I had been so intent on thinking about Bella that I must have missed the fact that someone called Charlie to let him know we were coming. I heard his anxious thoughts long before I saw the house. He was worried and angry, and he was already planning on what to say to Bella once she arrived home. What he didn't know was that Bella was in no shape to receive a scolding. I didn't think Bella would be awake enough to even realize she was home.

As soon as the he spotted the car, Charlie started pacing as if the car wouldn't pull up soon enough, and as soon as Emmett stopped the car, he shouted, _"Bella!"_

Emmett turned around. "Wow, he's really mad. Think you need backup?" He asked rapidly.

I just frowned; I didn't feel this was something to joke about, at least not at this point in time. Maybe sometime in the future we would all look back on this and laugh. It was a hope anyway.

Charlie's shouting brought Bella somewhat out of her sleep, for she mumbled, _"Charlie."_

She was hardly ready for him to begin shouting at her so I whispered, _"Shh. It's okay; you're home and safe. Just sleep."_

Then Charlie saw me as I was lifting Bella out of the car with me_. "I can't believe you have the nerve to show your face here,"_ he roared as he approached us.

From my arms, Bella moaned softly, _"Stop it, Dad."_

Her voice was so soft, I wondered if Charlie even heard her because he snapped, _"What's wrong with her?"_

He was already furious with me and I had no desire to wake Bella, so I confidently but quietly replied, _"She's just very tired, Charlie. Please let her rest."_

I couldn't tell him she hadn't slept since she left Seattle with Alice, or what she had to endure in Italy, that would not have set well with him at all, and it would have meant too many explanations I was not at liberty to provide.

"_Don't tell me what to do!"_ Charlie had no intention of allowing me any where near his daughter. In his mind were the words, 'He's harmed her enough; I won't allow her to go through any of that again because of his heartless actions.' Instead of yelling at me about what I had done, he just coldly demanded, _"Give her to me. Get your hands off her!"_

This was proving extremely awkward. I wanted to keep Bella cradled in my arms until she sent me away, but I couldn't deny that her father was also trying to protect her, except he was protecting her from me. I saw a vision of Bella curled in a tight ball on her bed weeping uncontrollably and Charlie standing beside her feeling utterly helpless with no idea of how to comfort or soothe his daughter. His mental memory wrenched painfully on my heart, which once again rested lifelessly but not unfeelingly in my chest. There were still a lot of blank about Bella's time after I left, and there was a I lot would have to learn about that time before I could begin to make up to Bella for what I had done.

As I attempted to hand Bella over into her father's waiting arms, I felt her tighten her hold. Charlie reached over and pulled on Bella's arms to remove them but her fingers were tightly clamped to my shirt. All his attempt earned him was a curt remark from Bella.

"_Cut it out, Dad."_ She attempted to open her eyes enough to stare at Charlie. _"Be mad at __**me**__."_

In reply, Charlie said, _"You bet I will be. Get inside."_

Foolishly, Bella breathed out slowly, _"Kay. Let me down."_

I was leery of the idea of letting her walk on her own, but I acquiesced by gently placing her on feet. She took less than half a dozen steps before I saw her falling. I wouldn't allow her to be hurt any more than she already was, so I swiftly reached out and caught her in my arms and protectively cradled her in my arms as I told Charlie, _"Just let me get her upstairs, and then I'll leave."_

From between Bella soft sweet lips came a swift panicked cry, _"No."_

My heart gave a small leap. For some reason Bella didn't want me to leave. Maybe it was a hopeful sign, I thought, but maybe it was so she could tell me just how much she hated me. It didn't really matter which it would be, her request meant I could at least remain with her a little longer, so I whispered for her only to hear, _"I won't be far."_

It was a promise I would keep. As soon as possible, I would take my usual place in her bedroom and I would await her verdict as to whether or not I could stay with her.

Charlie's response to my carrying Bella was curt, "Take her to her room, then I want you to leave immediately, and I will never allow you through my door again. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," I replied as politely as possible while I carried Bella through the front door and up the stairs to her room.

I laid her gently on her bed, Charlie standing in the doorway watching my every move and his thoughts were extremely clear, 'I don't ever want to see Bella suffer like that ever again. It ripped at my heart to see the anguish on her face and to hear her screams in the night. He doesn't deserve my girl; he doesn't deserve her forgiveness for what he put her through. Yet, here he stands, as if nothing happened; as if everything were the way it was. Nothing will ever be the way it was. How can it after what she has suffered.'

His thoughts revealed some things to me; things I needed to learn more about after I saw Alice, but first I needed to focus on Bella. I leaned over to gently pry her fingers loose from my shirt, and as I did I whispered softly, "Sleep well my beloved."

After removing Bella's fingers, I walked toward the door, Charlie moved out of the way and then followed me down the stairs and ushered me out the door, which, as soon as I was through, he promptly slammed shut.

'I never again want him near enough to Bella to hurt her like that again. How he could ever have done that to her . . . he can't love her if he could do that. Oh Bella, why did you leave? What did you hope to gain? He'll bring her nothing but more heartache and pain. I can't allow that to happen.'

His parting thoughts reminded me of the need to find out from Alice what exactly she knew about the time span while I was gone. There was so much I didn't know, and I would need to learn everything before I could even begin to try to make amends, and make amends I would. From this point on, I was making it my responsibly to make up for all the harm I caused. What ever it would take, I would do.


	18. Chapter 18 Dream a Little Dream

**AN: Once again, I thank Stephenie Meyer for creating these wonderful characters and allowing us to use them in our stories. All quotes in italics are directly from New Moon. I also wish to thank my beta readers who have helped me clean up most of the grammatical errors, and have helped point out areas that needed clarification. I hope every one is still enjoying the story and that you will enjoy this look at what Edward was doing while Bella slept.**

**Chapter 18 – Dream a Little Dream**

Before I had arrived at Bella's house to take up my contemplative vigil, I had spent a little time with my family reopening the house and then having a family talk. Alice shared with us all the painful details that Charlie had shared with her, and she explained her limitations where the werewolves were concerned. I wondered if they would be just as resistant to my ability as to Alice's. If so, we all decided that could prove a problem. I didn't remember having a problem hearing the thoughts of the tribe the last time we were in the area and made the treaty, but then again, we were not sure which one actually had the ability of changing into a wolf shape.

Emmett's first concern was whether there would be a fight. Emmett was truly hoping for one; he was always ready for a good fight.

"As I see it, Bella is just as much a part of this family as anyone of us. She risked **her** life to save Edward's."

He shot me a quick look and thought, "Don't interrupt!" So I waited for him to finish even though I suspected I wouldn't agree with what he would say next.

"My question is will they try to stop her from associating with us? Technically, _we_ have not broken our side of the treaty."

I had expected Emmett to argue for changing her – I knew he was one of her strongest supporters on the idea next to Alice – but it surprised me that he focused on the treaty, and that he referred to the fact that Jacob Black broke that treaty nearly a year ago when he told Bella about us being vampires.

"We will continue as if no one broke the treaty," Carlisle emphasized. "I don't want to start a war," Emmett huffed but Carlisle raised his hand indicating he would finish what he started to say. "I think our first priority needs to be Bella's protection. I'm not going to allow Victoria to harm any member of my family, and Esme and I agree that Bella is as much a part of our family as all of you are; therefore, she falls under our protection." He finished while Esme nodded her head in agreement with a contented smile on her face.

"We may find ourselves face to nose with those werewolves, but as long as they stay on their side of the line, we will stay on ours," Emmett commented. "Don't worry Edward, we'll keep her safe for you, you just have to worry about her hairy friends," Emmett chuckled. "Do you suppose he has kissed her? Wait, in his furry form he would just lick her."

Emmett could really stoke my anger with some of his smart quips, and if I had been sitting closer to him I would have backhanded him. As it was, Alice, Jasper, and Esme were spaced out between us, and for Esme's sake, I decided to let Emmett's weird sense of humor slide this time.

The conversation turned to the story everyone would tell about our return. I stayed long enough to gather what information I needed, and then, as soon as I could, I escape the family conversation and headed toward Bella's house. I might not be allowed through Charlie's front door, but I was hoping Bella's window would still open. If she had woken up and locked it, I would take that as a sign that she not longer wanted my presence in her room. Then the question would be, do I go in anyway, or do I wait for her wake up and find another way to contact her? I was hoping to find the window still a welcoming entry into her life.

Upon reaching her window, I was relieved to find it open, so I stealthy entered and gazed upon the most beautiful woman in the world. Without hesitation, I silently walked over to her, leaned down, and gently placed a soft kiss on her lips. I smiled as she hesitantly kissed me back, and then I walked over to her rocking chair and took up my normal position while I waited for her to wake up.

As I quietly sat watching Bella sleep, I had plenty of time to contemplate my next move. Even though I was still unsure of Bella's feelings toward me, Alice positively assured me that Bella loved me as much now as she ever did. Me, I definitely had my doubts about Bella still feeling the same way about me after what I had callously done last fall. I mean, how could she love me after I had deserted her even if it was for her benefit and in the end she was worse off than before I left? Some benefit, what a joke. She ended up running around with immature, unrestrained werewolves. When I had called Bella a danger magnet, it never occurred to me that she would be able to create her own danger. Of course, cliff diving was another example of the danger she created for herself.

Our forced separation had definitely taught me that existing without Bella was more excruciating than I had ever imagined possible. Sure, I took up a hobby – tracking – but only with the intent of keeping Bella safe by permanently eliminating Victoria as a threat, but my feeble attempts were an obvious failure. I had hoped being able to hear thoughts of those around me would have helped me track her down, but some how she had given me the slip by planting false leads. Maybe spending all the time with James had taught her some useful tricks, or maybe he kept her around because she was good at losing other trackers that might be on their trail.

Not only was I unable to track Victoria, but also that vicious redhead had elicited Laurent's help in trying to dispose of Bella. All my good intentions were for naught because in the end Bella was worse off than before I left her. Werewolves! How could she consider their presence in her life safe! What's even worse, she picked uncontrolled, juvenile werewolves. Of course, had it not been for that immature pack of werewolves, Bella would truly be dead. I made a mental note to thank Jacob Black for protecting Bella the next time our paths unexpectedly crossed.

Bella, my Bella, what would I do without her? My mind wondered back to the days just before I met Bella. I had been so bored with my existence. I remember the monotony of those days, how one day blurred into the next and there seemed no real reason for going on. Everyday was the same as the last and I had desperately sought for ways to pass the time, and that was exactly what I was doing, passing time. Some days I would count the tiles on the lunchroom ceiling to speed time along, other days I would look for patterns in the lunch room walls or on the wooden tables, and in class, it had been just as bad.

Before Bella entered my life, I just existed. Her first day at school was extremely memorable even though the first time I actually saw her I didn't think there was anything unique about her. I thought she was just another ordinary human. That was worth a laugh – after that day I never thought of her as ordinary again.

On her first day, I had been passing time in the cafeteria staring at the walls and ceiling, and answering a few concerned questions from Alice about Jasper. I used school to pass time; it was nothing exciting or interesting, just a mundane way to get through another boring, seemingly unending day. If I had to describe my life on a scale from one to ten – one being uneventful and dull while ten was adventurous and memorable – I would have said it was a minus fifteen. In my situation, what new adventures could I have to encounter? In school, the teachers had nothing new to reveal to me. I had attended medical school twice, so science was mundane and trite, while math offered only the same elementary operations, equations, and theorems as every other math class I had ever taken. As I saw it, what could any teacher cover in a regular high school class that I didn't already know? How many times could you listen to an elementary lecture on cellular mitosis or the developing causes of WWII before you ended up shutting out the lectures? History class really was the biggest joke. Most of my family had lived through much of what was covered in class, and in many instances, we could have taught the class more accurately than the teachers could. Due to the redundancy of most of the classroom materials, I would try to find other ways to occupy my mind, but even listening to human minds became monotonous after awhile; they all seemed to repeat each other. Such was my existence up until that fateful day.

The day Bella walked into my life changed my existence; a change that could have ended the same day it began if I had followed my natural instincts, but I was able to restrain myself and I'm very thankful that I did. Life with Bella was an ongoing adventure. For me, there was never a dull moment; I experienced no monotony or sameness since she entered my world; Bella wouldn't allow that, not intentionally or unintentionally. Bella filled all the empty spaces, even my nights were more entertaining than ever before. Besides spending them kissing and holding her, there was the floorshow in the early hours of the morning when Bella began dreaming and talking in her sleep. Some things from her dreams were easy to figure out and learn, but others presented puzzles that helped me while away the early morning hours trying to solve them. Even my nights were no longer lonely or boring. Some humans and even some vampires might find it odd that I stayed and watched Bella sleep, but for me it was a time to reflect on my feeling for her, on my existence and the changes she brought into it and on her as a person, and she was an extremely unique person at that.

It was during our separation that I discovered I could never return to my solitary existence because of the pain and anguish. One of the curses of my existence was the fact that I never forgot, and even if I desperately wanted to forget, I couldn't. Now that I knew the ecstasy of having Bella in my life, I couldn't forget it. I could survive if she chose to sever any relationship she had with me, but I would survive with the knowledge of losing her and the pain I discovered that accompanied that loss. I honestly had only one true desire and that was to win Bella back; I not only wanted her love, but I also needed it to banish the pain I was still feeling; I was also fighting my own desires and wanting to allow Bella the freedom of choice. The question that tormented me most was did I love 'her' enough to give her up if she chose someone else.

Bella drew my attention back to the bed as she squirmed restlessly for a few minutes before finally settling down, and then she murmured "Edward." It thrilled me deep inside to know she still thought enough of me to dream about me but that feeling dissipated a few minutes later when she uttered, "Jake, not now." It made me begin to wonder what type of relationship she had developed with him, and what feelings she had for him.

I was amazed as a stronger emotion crept over my feelings. I had an inkling of how jealousy – thanks to Newton and his gang – felt, but suddenly the emotion filled me with fear and regret – fear that I could lose Bella to someone else – and not just a someone but a **something** – and regret that I had allowed someone else to get close enough to her to steal her away from me.

As I sat in the rocking chair pondering this strong emotion and the events that occurred in Bella's life during the months I was gone, I felt guilt over the information Alice had shared before I came over here. According to what Charlie shared with Alice, the first three months must have been hell for Charlie. With Bella bordering on a comatose state during those first few weeks, it must have been hard for him to watch her and try to decide the best course of action to take for her benefit. The following months were no better. She must have been living in a type of limbo neither here nor anywhere else. It was no wonder Charlie reacted so violently to my presence when I brought Bella home. Charlie was right to blame me for Bella's condition, my desertion of her had caused it; he had every right to hate me and ban me from his home, and still, I could not force myself to stay away. I had questions I had to ask and I needed to tell Bella the truth about my feelings. Maybe there was still hope of having her as a part of my life, and maybe she still wanted me in her life. Of course, if that were true, then the next question became what part of her life she would allow me into and how much of her life would she open up to me. What I wanted, if I could honestly tell her, was all of her. I wanted every part of her life; I wanted her to be all mine just like I was all hers, even if she didn't want me. She was now the reason for my existence and I would willingly do anything she asked of me.

Once again, I had to face the fact that what both Bella and Charlie had suffered was a result of my actions. Actions I had been convinced would place Bella in a safer, happier, and healthier life, but in fact, it all backfired. I caused Bella's near comatose condition, and I drove her to seek protections from someone other than myself. All my good intentions were utter failures because I made all the wrong choices where Bella was concerned. I should have remembered that Bella was no ordinary human, and what would be best for any normal person was not necessarily best for her.

Now I had new problems facing me. First, Charlie had banned me from stepping foot through his front door – so, okay there was a way around that, hence I came in through Bella's bedroom window. Second, I had no idea if Bella still wanted me in her life, and if so, in what role? That question vexed me and her answer was extremely important to me; that was one reason why I was camped out in her room waiting for her to wake up. Besides, I had promised her I wouldn't be far.

As I sat looking down on her serene sweet face, I began to wonder, once again, if she would really want me here. I guess, for me, it seemed the only natural place to be now that I was in Forks again. We had moved back and I personally never wanted to move away from Bella ever again. Alice's revelations had stunned me, to know that Bella had suffered so much because of my leaving. I was hit full force once again about how wrong I had been. I had seldom been wrong in the past 80 some odd years, and now, when it had counted the most, I had made the biggest error in judgment that I could ever have made. That Bella would ever find in her heart to forgive would be a miracle.

Bella was now such a necessary part of my existence that I wasn't sure I could ever survive away from her. It would be like trying to make the earth exist without the sun. My existence without her presence could easily become a funeral dirge, but with Bella's presence in my existence, it was more like the lively 40's swing music of Tommy and Jimmy Dorsey, or Glenn Miller. No, I could finally admit to myself that I could not exist happily or contentedly without orbiting around Bella. I needed her as much as the moon needed the earth or it would wonder off into the darkest reaches of space.

I was brought out of my musing by Bella's soft moan. She was beginning to dream because I heard her murmur, "Edward," as a smile crossed her lips, and then she frowned and wrinkled her face as if in pain as she muttered, "Don't leave Edward."

Her words and pain brought me instantly to her on my knees. I leaned in as close to her lovely face as possible and softly breathed, "I'm here Bella," which cause a radiant smile to light up her pale but beautiful face. "I'll never leave you again Bella," I reassured her.

"Edward, don't go into the woods," she replied softly. Then her smile twisted into a frown as she abruptly shouted, "No, Jake, don't."

Her shout made me attentive to the sounds coming from Charlie's room. If she woke him, I would have to make myself scarce; it wouldn't do for him to find me in her room. I was relieved to hear only a rhythmic snoring coming from his room.

"Bella," I whispered, "Everything is fine. I'm here and I'm never going to leave you again."

"Promise," her whispered command caused me to smile.

"Yes Bella, I promise."

She moved even closer so her face was just touching mine. "Um, that's nice," she murmured.

Her being that close was nice for me, but I wasn't sure what she found nice. Was my promise nice, or our nearness, or something else she was dreaming that I wasn't privy to. Suddenly, her lips puckered ever so slightly as she let out a long breath right into my face that I found so pleasurable that I gently kissed her puckered lips, which cause a low moan to escape her. I chuckled as I realized I could entice a response from Bella even as she slept. Before I moved from her side, I whispered, "Sleep Bella."

As I settled once more into my customary seat, I began to hum the lullaby I had composed for Bella and wondered what I would learn about Bella and my future once she finally woke up.


	19. Chapter 19 Monster and Angel

_**AN: Same disclaimer as always. All character belong to Stephenie Meyer and all italicized quotes are directly from New Moon but those in [brackets were changed by me because they were errors in the original text – or at least they seemed so to me so I changed them so the words flowed smoother.**_

_**Thanks for all the kind and wonderful reviews, and I am getting closer to the end.**_

**Chapter 19 – The Monster and the Angel**

Bella's slight shifting movements notified me that she was beginning to wake up. I swiftly moved toward the bed and lay down beside her. If this was going to be the last time she would allow me in her bed or even in her room, then I meant to take advantage of it. It felt so right to wrap my arms around her soft warm inviting body but it brought to mind the fact that this monster was lying beside his beautiful angel. I could just envision it, my angel lying there in all her shinning glory, and me beside her tarnishing her glowing halo and tainting her snowy white wings – the monster and the angel lying side by side, but I was waiting for my angel to push me out of her bed.

She took a deep breath breaking my reverie and indicating that she was beginning to awake, so I gently kissed her on the forehead . . . maybe the last kiss she would allow me as well.

Bella sighed just before struggling to open her eyes, and when she did her reaction was slightly alarming. _"Oh!"_ She gasped and threw her hands over her eyes.

It was obvious that she was startled to see me, and she wasn't opening her eyes. Maybe if I gave her a little time to adjust, I thought, it would be better for her. I waited until she opened her eyes and then I asked, _"Did I frighten you?"_

She just stared at me almost as though she were drinking in my face with her eyes. If only I knew what she was thinking then I would know what to say to reassure her.

"_Oh, __**crap**__."_ Her words came out hoarse as if she were losing her voice.

Obviously she was upset or worried about something, so I asked, _"What's wrong, Bella?"_

The look she gave me was extremely forlorn as she groaned, _"I'm dead, right? I __**did**__ drown. Crap, crap, crap! This is gonna kill Charlie."_

I didn't remember Bella using such crass language before I left. Was it possible that her new _friends_ were a bad influence on her? And why would she think she was dead? _"You're not dead."_

She raised her eyebrows slightly as she disputed the truth, _"Then why am I not waking up?"_

"_You __**are**__ awake."_ Why would she think she was dead or sleeping? Was she upset that I was with her? She hadn't pushed me away yet, so that was a hopeful sign, but if she presumed she was only dreaming, or worse, that she was dead, then maybe she thought I would just dissolve into thin air.

"_Sure, sure."_ She was shaking her head in disbelief._ "That's what you want me to think. And then it will be worse when I do wake up. __**If**__ I wake up, which I won't because I'm dead. This is awful. Poor Charlie. And Renee and Jake . . ."_

"_I can see where you might confuse me with a nightmare."_ I could understand why she saw me as a nightmare especially after discovering just what kind of monster I truly was. The thought brought a slight smile to my lips, but why she would ever imagine seeing me if she were dead; it was obvious, to me at least, that we would never end up in the same place. _ "But I can't imagine what you could have done to wind up in hell. Did you commit many murders while I was away?"_

"_Obviously not. If I was in hell, you wouldn't be with me."_

'Astonishing,' I thought, 'she sees a monster like me in heaven and an angel like her in hell. Where does she get such ideas?' Sometimes I couldn't figure out where she obtained her strange beliefs. How she could ever consider I would be in heaven – especially since I told her most of us never expected heaven to be one of our options – was a concept foreign to me.

Bella looked away from me and glanced briefly at her open window. Had she regretted the fact that she left the window open? Did she wish I wasn't here? Would this be easier for her if I hadn't come to be with her? She seemed to be in thought about something, but without the ability to hear her thoughts, I had to rely on her to tell me what she was thinking. I was about to ask her when she spoke.

"_Did all of that really happen, then?"_ There was some obvious skepticism in her voice as she gazed at me unbelievingly.

"_That depends."_ I tried to smile and make light of the event, but I doubted it was working; it was just too hard to make light of the fact that she was so near death while in Italy._ "If you're referring to us nearly being massacred in Italy, then, yes."_

"_How strange, I really went to Italy. Did you know I'd never been farther east than Albuquerque?"_ She spoke so lightly of the fact, as though she had just taken a trip with Alice to go shopping rather than risking her life to save mine.

How strange her mind seemed to work. I was slightly concerned because her thinking seemed erratic and disjointed. Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Could she be suffering from sleep deprivation? Alice had mentioned that she didn't sleep during the entire trip there and back. _"Maybe you should go back to sleep. You're not coherent."_

"_I'm not tired anymore. What time is it? How long have I been sleeping?"_

"_It's just after one in the morning. So, about fourteen hours."_

I felt her stretching in the bed next to me and for some reason her movements sent a thrilling feeling through my body. I enjoyed the feel of her body; I would truly miss it when she finally banished me from her world.

"_Charlie?"_

"_Sleeping." _Maybe it was time to tell her of my banishment from her house. Of course, by telling her the truth I was running the risk of her agreeing with Charlie's decision. I wouldn't know unless I told her. _"You should probably know that I'm breaking the rules right now. Well, not technically, since he said I was never to walk through his door again, and I came in the window. . . . But, still, the intent was clear."_

"_Charlie banned you from the house?"_ The fact that she seemed upset by Charlie's banishment cheered me a little.

'Maybe all wasn't lost,' I thought, but I didn't know for sure, and Charlie did have his reasons, I reminded myself. _"Did you expect anything else?"_

"_What's the story?"_

"_What do you mean?"_ Did she wonder why Charlie was banning me from the house? I thought the reason would be obvious even to her.

"_What am I telling Charlie? What's my excuse for disappearing for . . . how long was I gone, anyway?"_

"_Just three days."_ That question made more sense to me and it brought a small smile to my lips. It was too bad I had not even thought about her needing an alibi for her abrupt disappearance._ "Actually, I was hoping you might have a good explanation. I've got nothing."_

"_Fabulous."_

She wasn't happy about that, so I offered, _"Well, maybe Alice will come up with something."_

"_So, what have you been doing, up until three days ago?"_

Once again she had turned the direction of the conversation, but for what reason I was not about to speculate. As long as she would let me stay and talk, I would contentedly dwell in the fantasy that she would allow me to remain forever.

But then I wondered if there was something more behind her words than just a causal question. I answered honestly,_ "Nothing terribly exciting."_

"_Of course not."_ She made a face as she mumbled her reply.

Had I upset her, or did she think I was lying? _"Why are you making that face?"_

"_Well . . . if you were, after all, just a dream, that's exactly the kind of thing you would say. My imagination must be used up."_

I hadn't really wanted to tell her about my time away. It had been so fruitless and ended up being a major failure since I hadn't accomplished what I set out to do, but if it would make her realize this wasn't a nightmare of some sort, than it was worth it to tell her what I had been trying to accomplish. _"If I tell you, will you finally believe that you're not having a nightmare?"_

"_Nightmare!"_

From her tone I wondered once again what she was thinking. Why was she surprised by the term nightmare? What would she call it when she dreamt of a monster lying next to her? I decided to wait for her to answer before I continued.

"_Maybe, if you tell me."_

"_I was . . . hunting."_ I offered hesitantly.

"_Is that the best you can do? That definitely doesn't prove I'm awake."_

I could tell this was going to be harder than I thought, so I continued, _"I wasn't hunting for food . . . I was actually trying my hand at . . . tracking. I'm not very good at it."_

"_What were you tracking?"_

I had her attention, but I was more than hesitant to tell her the rest. _"Nothing of consequence."_

"_I don't understand."_

"_I –"_ I took a deep breath as I realized this would be harder than I thought for it was just one more thing about which I was guilty. Had I not failed in my quest, Bella would not now be facing this added danger, besides the werewolves, my family, and the Volturi. _ "I owe you an apology." _Actually, I realized that was wrong, so I amended,_ "No, of course I owe you much, much more than that. But you have to know" _the words just seem to spill from my mouth once I finally started to admit my mistake – my failure,_ "that I had no idea. I didn't realize the mess I was leaving behind. I thought it was safe for you here. So safe. I had no idea that Victoria" _I suppressed a growl I felt rising up as I thought about her trying to threaten the love of my life, _"would come back."_

I thought back to that encounter in the clearing while we were playing baseball. I remembered all three of them emerging from the woods, but my focus had been on James and his thoughts.

"_I'll admit, when I saw her that one time, I was paying much more attention to James's thoughts. But I just didn't see that she had this kind of response in her. That she even had such a tie to him. I think I realized why now – she was so sure of him, the thought of him failing never occurred to her. It was her overconfidence that clouded her feelings about him – that kept me from seeing the depth of them, the bond there. Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face. When I heard what you told Alice – what she saw herself – when I realized that you had to put your life in the hand of __**werewolves**__, immature, volatile, the worst thing out there besides Victoria herself."_

Just the thought of what might have happened caused my heart to constrict. The beginning of the pain of loss, I realized. How many times since I left her had I almost lost her permanently? What a fool I had been to think my leaving would stop the dangers she encountered. Emmett was right; I had been an idiot to think my leaving would cause her anything but pain, and not just because of myself, but because of all the new dangers that crept into her life.

She had so much to forgive. Was she ever going to be willing to absolve me?_ "Please know that I had no idea of any of this. I feel sick, sick to my core, even now, when I can see and feel you safe in my arms. I am the most miserable excuse for –"_

"_Stop."_

Her pause caused me real alarm. I just knew this was it; she was going to tell me I had hurt her too much and she didn't want me around anymore. All I could do was await her final dismissal, and as I waited I realized, once again, how my entire world would collapse and shatter into a million irreparable pieces once she denied me entrance into her world.

What was even worse was the fact that her face showed no sign of what she was about to say to me. _"Edward, this has to stop now. You can't think about things that way. You can't let this . . . this __**guilt**__ . . . rule your life. You can't take responsibility for the things that happen to me here. So, if I trip in front of a bus or whatever it is next time . . ."_

I wasn't fully aware of the fact, but up until she said 'next time' I had been holding my breath. I slowly released it as my mind asked, 'Next time, what did she mean next time?' Did she really think I would allow anything or anyone else to steal her from me? Now that I had her back in my life, I would not allow anything to endanger her life, and the only way she would be free of my presence would be to tell me she no longer wanted me in her life. Of course, even then I would still remain on the fringes – I just couldn't see existing anywhere where she wasn't.

"_You have to realize that it's not your job to take the blame. You can't just go running off to Italy because you feel bad that you didn't save me. Even if I had jumped off that cliff to die, that would have been my choice, and __**not your fault**__. I know it's your . . . your nature to shoulder the blame for everything, but you really can't let that make you go to such extremes! It's very irresponsible – think of Esme and Carlisle and –"_

"_Isabella Marie Swan," _I cut her off whispering her name softly. I also briefly wondered if she realized how beautiful her name was and how often I wanted it flowing from my lips, and then I felt slightly angry that she would think I would seek such a drastic destruction just because I felt guilty. Guilt was the least of the reasons why I would harm my family; continuing without her was what was so unbearably unthinkable. Didn't she comprehend how miserable and heartbroken I'd be without her? _"Do you believe that I asked the Volturi to kill me __**because**__ I felt guilty?"_

I waited for her response but received only a blank gaze. 'She did think that!' The thought startled me.

Then she finally replied, _"Didn't you?"_ The look on her face spoke volumes. She didn't understand why I did what I did.

Once again I wondered why she would think guilt would cause me to take such a final step. As Emmett might say, 'Hell yeah,' but that wouldn't be enough of an answer. Sure I felt guilty, but not enough to end my existence if I knew I could make up for the mistakes I had made, but I could never have made anything up to her if she had truly died. I decided it was time I started telling her some thoughts about my actions and myself. Maybe if she understood, she would then be able to forgive me. I felt it would be best to deal with the guilt issue first. _"Feel guilty[? Intensely so. More than you can comprehend."_

"_Then . . . what are you saying? I don't understand."_

I loved the look on her face. It spoke of her confusion, her desire to understand, and something bordering on what might, if I was lucky, be love. _"Bella, I went to the Volturi because I thought you were dead." _Could she even understand how even now that word caused a dread within me? For her to be gone forever meant I would never have the opportunity to hold her, kiss her, or tell her how much I truly love her. The thought alone caused a fierce pain in my heart. _"Even if I'd had no hand in your death," _there was that word that made me quake. To exist without my Bella – no, I couldn't go on without her even now, _"even if it wasn't my fault. I would have gone to Italy. Obviously, I should have been more careful,"_ I called, but I should have called Alice rather than Bella's house. So many things I didn't know at the time played into the mistakes I made. _"I should have spoken to Alice directly, rather than accepting it secondhand from Rose. But, really, what was I suppose to think when the boy said Charlie was at the funeral? What are the odds?"_ I made one mistake after another without verifying anything.

'Funny how it all played out,' I thought, _"The odds . . . ,"_ I mumbled under my breath, and then I remembered sitting in the living room on Bella's birthday and criticizing Romeo who also had the odds stacked against him. I wondered if he would have felt the same way I did. _"The odds are always stacked against us. Mistake after mistake." _ It was too bad I hadn't learned something from him about listening to the wrong messengers. I had always thought it was idiotic of him not to go straight to Friar Lawrence and demand an explanation of what happened, but I was just as idiotic as he was. I had believed Rose's secondhand account of Alice's visions before Alice had time to investigate it. Who could have guessed that Alice's visions would instantly stop when a werewolf entered the scene? And just like Romeo, I heeded the wrong messenger._ "I'll never criticize Romeo again."_

"_But I still don't understand. That's my whole point. So what?"_ Her demeanor was serious, and I was surprised she could ask such a thing.

"_Excuse me?"_ Was she really trying to tell me that she thought I wouldn't care if she were dead?

"_So what if I __**was**__ dead?"_

She did think that. I was utterly shocked that she couldn't see right through me and know what was in my heart. How could she accept that I was callous enough to declare my love and then so quickly lose it? I found that concept unbelievable. She readily accepted the idea that I never truly loved her; she honestly thought I had lied when I told her I loved her. I didn't know which hurt more, the fact that I almost lost her, or that she so easily believed I was so callous enough to profess a love that I never felt. I mean, even though I wanted her to think I didn't want her anymore – only to discover I couldn't survive without – I didn't want her to think I **never** loved her, and I guess, I also didn't want it to be so easy for her to except. _"Don't you remember anything I told you before?"_ The love I had professed to her before was spoken sincerely and honestly.

"_I remember __**everything**__ that you told me."_

I saw hurt and sorrow fill her lovely brown eyes and a slight pout form on her lips. I gently and lovingly ran my finger along her lower lip. Oh how I wanted to kiss those lips right then and there and show her how much I truly loved her, but I held myself back.

8


	20. Chapter 20 The Truth

**AN: Same as always - everything belongs to Stephenie Meyer; I just added the thoughts and Edwards reactions as I thought they would be. Hope you enjoy this chapter. Thanks to all the kind people who have reviewed and said such nice things about this story. You just don't know how much that has encouraged me.**

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

**From Chapter 19**

"_I remember __**everything**__ that you told me."_

I saw hurt and sorrow fill her lovely brown eyes and a slight pout form on her lips. I gently and lovingly ran my finger along her lower lip. Oh how I wanted to kiss those lips right then and there and show her how much I truly loved her, but I held myself back.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**Chapter 20 – The Truth**

"_Bella, you seem to be under a misapprehension," _I closed my eyes and remembered the first stabbing pains I felt when Rose uttered those deadly words, the words that had almost ended my world permanently. 'She misunderstood everything,' I thought wryly shaking my head. I had told her this before on her birthday when I explained how I felt when I thought I had lost her after James attacked her. _"I thought I'd explained it clearly before. Bella, I can't live in a world where you don't exit."_

"_I am . . . confused."_ And the look on her face confirmed that fact.

I was looking as deeply as possible into her eyes trying to read her thoughts to discover what was confusing her, and then I remembered what she said earlier that she remembered **everything**. It was what I said to her in the woods outside her house when I had tried to make my leaving easier on her; I had lied to her, and she had believed me. 'Amazing,' I thought. 'I tell her I love her and she doesn't believe me. I tell her I don't love her and she instantly believes the lie. How is that possible?'

"_I'm a good liar, Bella, I have to be."_ That must be it, otherwise she would have seen right through the lie.

I felt her entire body tense up and then a tremor rippled through her. It felt as though she were ready to – I wasn't sure what she was ready to do, but it didn't feel like a good thing, but before she could continue, I gently shook her shoulders trying to get her to listen, _"Let me finish! I'm a good liar, but still, for you to believe me so quickly,"_ I felt my own pain rip through me but I continued, _"That was . . . excruciating."_

She was still rigid, but she seemed to be listening, so I began to explain, _"When we were in the forest, when I was telling you goodbye," _I felt her tense even more and it worried me. I found myself whispering as I continued, _"You weren't going to let go, I could see that." _ The memory was so vivid, and the details so clear. I could see her lovely face staring up at me – almost pleading with me to stay, or at least to take her with me. That was the face I saw when I thought she was dead. That look of hurt and pain kept reminding me of what a monster I was.

"_I didn't want to do it – it felt like it would kill me to do it," _and it had almost killed her, if Charlie's account were true. But why would a father lie about something like that? _"But I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought __**I'd**__ moved on, so would you."_ And maybe she had, maybe she would now tell me there was no room left in her life for me.

Very softly, I heard her whisper, _"A clean break."_

"_Exactly. But I never imagined it would be so easy to do! I thought it would be next to impossible - you would be so sure of the truth that I would have to lie through my teeth for hours to even plant the seed of doubt in your head. I lied, and I'm so sorry – sorry because I hurt you, sorry because it was a worthless effort. Sorry that I couldn't protect you from what I am. I lied to save you, and it didn't work. I'm sorry."_ But I wasn't sorry that I hadn't lost her permanently; for that I was heartily thankful to whatever providence made it possible that both Alice and Rose were wrong, and that Bella was before me alive.

"_But how could you believe me?"_ It was the one question I asked myself during those first months of separation. _"After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?"_ I wondered, 'Had she ever truly believed I loved her? Will she be able to accept the truth that I still love her?'

Bella only stared at me offering no response, which led me to conjecture that she still might think I was lying to her. Her eyes had almost the same look I had seen that night in the forest when she believed the villainous lie that poured out of my wicked mouth.

"_I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly __**believed**__ that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept," _I thought my world could never be the same without her in it, as though I could continue without her near me, or I near her; I had to admit what everyone else in the family had known all, Bella and I were a perfect match. In all truthfulness I added with as much feeling as possible, _"As if there were any way that __**I**__ could exist without needing __**you**__!"_

Her eyes were still glazed over and she was not responding to anything I had said. If only she would cry, or scream at me; **something** to let me know she had heard what I was telling her. As the seconds dragged on, I became worried. Charlie had told Alice about Bella going into to a catatonic state after I left, and I couldn't afford to have that happen now because there were too many questions left to be answered. I shook her shoulder again in an attempt to draw some response from her. I would even be happy if she were to yell at me and tell me to leave; at least I would know she was still conscious of what was happening around her.

If only I knew what she was thinking. As it was, my nerves were sitting on razor sharp edges, and she still hadn't told me why she believed my lies. _"Bella,"_ it came out as one long sigh. _"Really, what were you thinking?"_

She sobbed as she replied, _"I knew it. I __**knew**__ I was dreaming."_

Her response was such a surprise, _"You're impossible."_ I didn't know what else to say. She was totally impossible, and I was hopelessly in love with her anyway. So I had to decide what it would take to make her see reality, to see that we were here together and talking, and to realize that I never stopped loving her. In my frustration, a harsh laugh escaped as I said, _"How can I put this so that you'll believe me? You're not asleep, and you're not dead. I'm here, and I love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn't want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy." _Couldn't she see it would be like telling an angel to leave my life forever?

Her tears flowed down her lovely cheeks leaving salty streaks, but dishearteningly, she shook her head at me not believing anything I was telling her. My heart was threatening to break right there in her bedroom.

"_You don't believe me, do you?" _It was becoming harder with every passing minute. My words were so softly spoken I was afraid she might not hear them, but try as I might, I could speak no louder because the pain was threatening to overwhelm me. I felt as if I could barely draw in enough air to form coherent sounds. It was as if I were losing her all over again and once more my life would be meaningless and void of every good thing this amazing woman once offered to me. _"Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?"_

Her response was astonishing. _"It never made sense for you to love me, I always knew that."_ Her voice broke up as she spoke.

She had told me once before that she saw herself as plain and unattractive, and I remembered telling her she didn't see her true self, and she definitely didn't see her own worth as a person deserving of love. Instead, she saw herself as unworthy to be loved by me when just the opposite was true. What never really made any sense to me was why an angel like her would ever love a monster like me. I had to prove to her how much I truly loved her, and that she definitely was awake. The only solution I found was something I had wanted to do even before we left Italy.

"_I'll prove you're awake," _and I wanted to add 'and that I love you with every fiber of my being.' Both were a promise I wanted to put in the kiss I would give her.

I took her radiantly lovely face between my cold hands and held her tight enough so she couldn't turn away from my kiss.

In a soft almost inaudible voice, she whispered, _"Please don't."_

The pleas were so heartfelt that I stopped instantly, but I could almost taste her lips for they were so close to mine. _"Why not?" _I asked as the breath escaped from my lungs. I hadn't been aware that I had been holding the air in.

"_When I wake up" _she began. I was going to argue that point again but she quickly rushed on. _"Okay, forget that one – when you leave again, it's going to be hard enough without this, too."_

Had she been trying to tell me all along that what I did was unforgivable? Is that why she had seemed so self restrained while in Italy and on the way home? I had to know. I could not wait one moment longer. If I had hurt her beyond forgiving, then I had to know my fate.

I pulled slightly back from her and stared into her face seeking the truth. _"Yesterday, when I would touch you, you were so . . . hesitant, so careful, and yet still the same."_ At times it was as if she wanted me to touch and caress her, and yet I could feel she held back as well, especially when she touched me. _"I need to know why. Is it because I'm too late?"_ Would she say yes and shatter my world, my existence? _"Because I've hurt you too much?"_ Could I hate myself any more if she says yes? _"That would be . . . quite fair. I won't contest your decision. So don't try to spare my feelings, please," _just put me out of my misery quickly, _"just tell me now whether or not you can still love me, after everything I've done to you. Can you?"_ I noticed I was whispering, but inside I was pleading, 'Please, Bella, forgive me. Don't cast me out into the darkness and loneliness of an existence without you.'

"_What kind of an idiotic question is that?"_

I could take that one of two ways. Idiotic that it was obvious she hated me, or idiotic that I might think she didn't forgive me. _"Just answer it. Please."_ I wanted to add, 'My entire happiness depends on your response.'

"_[The way I feel about you will never change. Of course I love you – and there's nothing you can do about it."_

My heart was rejoicing. _"That's all I needed to hear."_

Before she could protest, my lips captured hers. I put as much passion into that one kiss as possible without allowing it to become dangerous for her. Her response sent butterflies through my stomach and electrical charges shooting through my body. Her lips were sweet and welcoming. Her heart began pounding so hard, I momentarily worried it would erupt from her chest, but she didn't seem to concerned so I continued to kiss her. My hands ached for the feel of her skin, so I ran them lovingly over every bit of her face that was already burned into my memory. I also noticed that our bodies had melded together, each curve of one fitting companionably into the hollows of the other. I heard Bella panting raggedly as her warm soft hands caressed my face. I so loved the feel of her touching me. I wanted to continue, but I knew she needed to come up for breath and I was worried about her heart's continuous racing; I briefly pulled away as I whispered, "Oh Bella." I really wanted to say more, but even I felt too short of breath for uttering anything more. I whispered her name every time our lips would separate even for the briefest of moments. It was a kiss that was burned into my memory. Even without a perfect memory, that was a kiss I would never have forgotten.

I finally pulled away and laid my ear to her heart to enjoy its rhythm and make sure it finally settled down to a safer beat. As I listened, I recalled one comment she made, and promptly reassured her of my position by telling her, _"By the way, I'm not leaving you."_

Bella's silence keyed me to the fact that she doubted my words, so I raised my head and locked my eyes on hers. If nothing else, maybe she would see the sincerity of my words reflected in my eyes. _"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy human life. I could see what I was doing to you – keeping you constantly on the edge of danger, taking you away from the world you belonged in, risking your life every moment I was with you. So I had to try. I had to do __**something**__, and it seemed like leaving was the only way. If I hadn't thought you would be better off, I could have never made myself leave. I'm much too selfish. Only __**you**__ could be more important than what I wanted . . . what I needed. What I want and need is to be with you, and I know I'll never be strong enough to leave again. I have too many excuses to stay – thank heaven for that! It seems you can't be safe, no matter how many miles I put between us."_ For being such a beautiful caring person, she did seem to naturally gravitate toward the worst monsters – case in point, me, my family, and the werewolves – and that thought just made me cringe for all the dangers it presented for her.

Her response was barely above a whisper, _"Don't promise me anything."_

'She still doesn't believe me.' I reflected. Would we ever get past this belief, or would it remain a stumbling block in our mending relationship? _"You think I'm lying to you now?"_

"_No – not lying," _she shook her head as if to clear or rearrange her ideas. _"You could mean it – now. But what about tomorrow, when you think about all the reasons you left in the first place? Or next month, when Jasper takes a snap at me?"_

Okay, I deserved that, and she was right there would still be some danger, but Jasper really hadn't meant it. It was still a possibility that I had to face and come to terms with. We were all a danger, in our own ways, to Bella, but I wouldn't let that separate me from Bella ever again. I would just have to be more vigilant and watch for possible dangers.

Before I could respond to her question, she continued, _"it isn't as if you hadn't thought the first decision through, is it? You'll end up doing what you think is right."_

She was also right about my thinking through that decision and about doing what was right, but from my new perspective, right meant staying with her. Besides, there was something else she didn't know yet, and that was what I learned during our separation.

"_I'm not as strong as you give me credit for. Right and wrong have ceased to mean much to me; I was coming back anyway. Before Rosalie told me the news, I was already past trying to live through one week at a time, or even one day. I was fighting to make it through a single hour."_ And each hour was a tormenting hell as I burned with desire for my angelic love._ "It was only a matter of time – and not much of it – before I showed up at your window and begged you to take me back. I'd be happy to beg now, if you'd like that."_ I would grovel at her feet if it made a difference. I would do anything just to be allowed permanently back in her life.

"_Be serious, please."_

If only she knew how really serious I was being. _"Oh, I am. Will you please try to hear what I'm telling you? Will you let me attempt to explain what you mean to me?"_

I scrutinized her face looking for doubt or disbelief. I had to know she was ready and willing to listen as I spilled my heart out to her.

I searched for the best analogy I could make. One that would show her just how miserable and desolate my life had been before her. She was the first and only light that had ever brightened the dark existence I had fallen into. _"Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars – points of light and reason."_ I paused to consider how to effectively continue._ "And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore."_ I had deserted the family I loved, but it wasn't a love that in anyway compared to the love I had for Bella. _"And there was no more reason for anything."_ I instantly remembered that hollow aching pain that erupted in the vicinity of my chest where my heart had once resided.

I just barely heard her mumble, _"Your eyes will adjust."_

I almost lost hope; it sounded like she was preparing to send me away and I had to do something to avoid that conclusion, so I responded, _"That's just the problem – they can't."_ I desperately wanted to add, 'Please let me back in, Bella.'

"_What about you distractions?"_

'That was such a joke; she was my only true distraction,' I thought with a wry laugh. _"Just part of the lie, love. There was no distraction from the . . . the __**agony**__. My heart hasn't beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone – like I was hollow. Like I'd left everything that was inside me here with you."_ Was there any way she could understand the pain I had endured?

She softly murmured, _"That's funny."_

'Was she making fun of my pain?' I wondered. I starred at her in mild shock and asked, _"Funny?"_

"_I meant strange – I thought it was just me. Lots of pieces of me went missing too."_ Her confession gave me hope that she really did comprehend how I had felt. _"I haven't been able to really breathe in so long."_ She took a deep long breath before she continued. _"And my heart. That was definitely lost."_

Just to be sure her heart was okay, and to enjoy the sound of its beating, I laid my ear on her breast to listen to its rhythmic beating, and I felt her lay her cheek against my hair. It felt familiar and comfortable, and more than anything else, it felt right.

Whimsically she asked, _"Tracking wasn't a distraction then?"_

I released a sigh as I replied, _"No. That was never a distraction. It was an obligation."_

"_What does that mean?"_ Her voice rose a little.

"_It means that, even though I never expected any danger from Victoria, I wasn't going to let her get away with . . . Well, like I said, I was horrible at it. I traced her as far as Texas, but then I followed a false lead down to Brazil – and really she came here."_ I had been so stupid that it caused me to groan internally. _"I wasn't even on the right continent! And all the while, worse than my worst fears – "_

"_You were hunting Victoria?"_ She screamed, causing me to listen intensively for Charlie.

I was sure her scream would bring him instantly into her room, but other than a disruption of his steady snoring, he seemed content to remain asleep.


	21. Chapter 21 Greatest Problem

**AN: As always, the characters, the plot, and the words in italics all belong to Stephenie Meyer. Other random thoughts and actions are my interpretation of what I think happened and how I think the characters might have reacted. I hope everyone enjoys this chapter.**

**&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&**

**From Chapter 20**

"_You were hunting Victoria?"_ She screamed, causing me to listen intensively for Charlie.

I was sure her scream would bring him instantly into her room, but other than a disruption of his steady snoring, he seemed content to remain asleep.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

**Chapter 21 Greatest Problem**

Her outrage look surprised me. Why was she upset that I would go after Victoria? I was never in any danger, but she had been, and it was even more than I realized.

"_Not well, but I'll do better this time. She won't be tainting perfectly good air by breathing in and out for much longer."_

Bella's response was rather unexpected. _"That is . . . out of the question."_

No matter how much Bella argued, I wasn't about to allow her life to remain in danger. 'I hope she isn't suggesting that I allow that assassin to remain alive. Kind hearted or not, Bella can't want to give Victoria the benefit of the doubt about whether Victoria would actually kill her. I hope she's not trying to protect me in some way; killing Victoria would be a pleasure not a crime. Bella needs to realize I cannot allow this threat to her life persist,' I thought just before commenting angrily, _"It's too late for her. I might have let the other time slide, but not now, not after –"_

"_Didn't you just promise that you weren't going to leave?" _she questioned with a slight tremor in her voice. _"That isn't exactly compatible with an extended tracking expedition, is it?"_

Didn't she realize I couldn't, I wouldn't, allow Victoria near enough to harm her. Just the thought of the red-headed assassin caused a growl to begin deep inside of me. If leaving meant terminating the threat on Bella's life, I would leave immediately, but I would return instantaneously afterwards. I would never be able to stay away long, but if leaving meant hurting Bella, than I would stay, but still . . . _"I will keep my promise, Bella. But Victoria," _just thinking about her caused the growl to rise up into my throat, _"is going to die. Soon."_ I was so ready to rip her to pieces and holding back on seeking her out was going to be hard, but staring into Bella's deep expressive eyes reminded me of why I wanted to stay as well.

"_Let's not be hasty,"_ though she might be trying not to show it, I could sense she was beginning to feel panicky. _"Maybe she's not coming back. Jake's pack probably scared her off. There's really no reason to go looking for her. Besides, I've got bigger problems than Victoria."_

"_It's true. The werewolves are a problem."_ The thought of them around Bella angered me to a degree that was surprising. I guess I felt territorial toward Bella; she was mine and I didn't want them anywhere near her or causing a threat to her. I wanted her safe; I wanted no harm anywhere close to her.

"_I wasn't talking about __**Jacob**__. My problems are a lot worse [than a handful of adolescent wolves getting themselves into trouble,"_ Bella replied with a huff.

If Victoria wasn't her biggest problem and she didn't see the werewolves as a problem then what did she consider her number one problem? I deliberated for a moment and then wondered if she distrusted me enough to consider me a problem. I was on the verge of asking her, but decided it would be better if I didn't.

The thought was rather upsetting and caused me to clinch my teeth as I asked, _"Really? Then what would be your greatest problem? That would make Victoria's returning for you seem like such an inconsequential matter in comparison?"_

"_How about the second greatest?"_ She was avoiding the answer and providing me with another one.

"_All right."_ I suspected she didn't want to discuss her Number One problem.

She hesitated before continuing, as if in consideration of something._ "There are others who are coming to look for me."_

"_The Volturi are only the second __**greatest**__?"_

"_You don't seem that upset about it."_

"_Well, we have plenty of time to think it through. Time means something very different to them than it does to you, or even me. They count years the way you count days. I wouldn't be surprised if you were thirty before you crossed their minds again."_

A look of sheer terror washed over Bella's face. 'Was she truly so afraid of them?' I wondered.

"_You don't have to be afraid," _I tried to reassure her as I watch the tears beginning to well up in her eyes. She had to realize I would be here to protect her. I wasn't about to allow anyone, even the Volturi, to pose a threat to her safety. _"I won't let them hurt you."_

"_While you're here."_

She still didn't believe me. I guess in a way I deserved that; I hadn't been here when she needed me, and now I was asking her to just trust me without proving I was worthy of her trust. How was I ever to gain her trust back? I was determined to make her believe I was telling the truth. I took her face between my hands, trying to hold it as gently as possible while the tension built up inside of me. She just had to believe I was telling the truth. _"I will never leave you again."_

"_But you said __**thirty**__,"_ she whispered it as if it were a dirty word, and then the tears spilled slowly from her eyes. _"What? You're going to stay, but let me get all old anyway? Right."_

How else did she expect me to keep her while allowing her to opportunity to remain human? It wasn't right to steal her humanity away from her. Didn't she remember her revulsion back in the reception room when she realized Gianna wanted to be one of us? Trying to say it as tenderly and honestly as possible, I replied, _"That's exactly what I'm going to do. What choice have I? I cannot be without you, but I will not destroy your soul."_

"_Is this really . . ."_ There was so much tension behind what she was trying to say that she appeared to be struggling with what she was about to ask.

I waited, but finally prompted, _"Yes?"_

"_But what about when I get so old that people think I'm your mother? Your __**grandmother**__?"_

She thought that would make a difference. To me it wouldn't matter how old she was, she would always remain young and beautiful in my eyes, and I would remain by her side forever despite what others might think. She was my precious love, my life, what made my cold stone heart race with pleasure and ache with pain; she would never be rid of me and she had to realize that. The tears were streaming down her face now and I used my lips to remove them from her soft pale skin. Their taste was salty yet sweet and delicious, just like she was sweet and delicious.

"_That doesn't mean anything to me," _I murmured as I continued to brush my lips against her cheeks. _"You will always be the most beautiful thing in my world. Of course . . ."_ I paused and winced ever so slightly at the imagined pain because I knew that part would hurt deeply if she ever chose that path. _"If you outgrew me – if you wanted something more – I would understand that, Bella. I promise I wouldn't stand in your way if you wanted to leave me."_ It would only be fair; it would hurt like hell, but I wouldn't deny her what she wanted even if it wasn't me.

"_You do realize that I'll die eventually, right?"_ Her words cut deeply but demanded a reply.

I always knew what would happen after she was gone. It was the reason I went to the Volturi in the first place. I had explained this to her the night of her birthday. I had planned it while sitting in the hospital room after James attacked her. That was when I had first resolved that soon after her death mine would follow. There was no world or existence for me without her. It was a question that was easy to answer. _"I'll follow after as soon as I can."_

"_That is seriously . . . sick."_

It was not the response that I had expected. _"Bella, it's the only right way left –"_

"_Let's just back up a minute,"_ her voice was hardening with anger. _"You do remember the Volturi, right? I can't stay human forever. They'll kill me. Even if they don't think of me till I'm __**thirty**__" – _there it was again, that inflection as if she were speaking a dirty vulgar word_ – "do you really think they'll forget?"_

"_No," _I knew they never forgot anything, _"they won't forget. But . . ."_ I had thought about this too.

"_But?"_

I smiled as I recalled the planning process involved with what to do when the occasion arose, for it would arise, and there would be no stopping it. Of that I was also certain. _"I have a few plans."_

"_And these plans,"_ her tone was hardening as she spoke. _"These plans all center on me staying human."_

It was easy to tell she was not pleased with my idea of keeping her human. Why she was so determined to give up her pure eternal soul was beyond me, but I was just as determined that I would save her soul for something better than an eternity as a monster that thirsted after human blood. _"Naturally."_ I would not give up easily; I could be as unwavering as she was and I would prove it.

We locked eyes and it felt like a wrestling match of wills taking place; neither of us was ready to buckle in to the other. We both stood our ground, and on my part, I was steadfast in my decision.

I wasn't sure how long this staring match continued, but suddenly Bella took a deep breath and pushed my arms away from her sweet warm body. I was reluctant to release her but I would not turn this into a physical wrestling match as well. Bella sat up in the bed and I asked _"Do you want me to leave?"_ It would hurt, but if she was pushing me out of her life, I would go because it was her choice, but it still hurt to think she didn't want me anymore.

"_No," _she replied firmly, _"__**I'm**__ leaving."_

I had my doubts about her honestly leaving. Where would she go, and what would be the purpose of her leaving? This was her home. I watched her climb out of bed and stumble around in the dark looking for something. Finally, I asked, _"May I ask where you are going?"_

"_I'm going to your house."_

I wasn't sure what she hoped to find there, but I did realize what she was searching for in the dark. I got up and walked over to her side, picked up her shoes, and offered them to her, _"Here are your shoes. How did you plan to get there?"_

She bluntly replied, _"My truck."_

She wouldn't want Charlie catching her sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, so I warned her, _"That will probably wake Charlie."_

She let out a deep breath, which blew into my face and sent my senses reeling. _"I know. But honestly, I'll be grounded for weeks as it is. How much more trouble can I really get in?"_

If she wasn't so serious, I would have laughed as I replied, _"None. He'll blame me, not you."_

"_If you have a better idea, I'm all ears."_

Without out any real hope of deterring her, I offered, _"Stay here."_

"_No dice," _she replied. _"But you go ahead and make yourself at home."_

She headed toward the door but I instantly blocked her path. 'Maybe I could find a way to make her stay' was a thought I threw out before allowing it to fully formulate. Making her do anything was a false hope that she would stay because in her stubbornness to carry through with her plan she turned around and promptly walked toward her window. I knew she was determined to leave by one route or the other so I gave in and offered, _"Okay, I'll give you a ride."_

"_Either way,"_ she replied with a shrug of her shoulders._ "But you probably should be there, too."_

"_And why is that?"_ My curiosity was at an all time high. She was going to my house and now she was suggesting that I would want to be there as well. She had something planned, but without being able to read her mind, I could only wait for her to share the answers with me.

"_Because you're extraordinarily opinionated, and I'm sure you'll want a chance to air your views."_

I wasn't sure I liked the sound of that, and I wasn't sure I would like what she would say next. I felt my teeth clinch as I asked, _"My views on which subject?"_ I was afraid I knew where this was headed and I didn't like it one bit.

"_This isn't just about you anymore. You're not the center of the universe, you know. If you're going to bring the Volturi down on us over something as stupid as leaving me human, then your family ought to have a say."_

I definitely knew I would not like what she would say next but I asked anyway. _"A say in what?"_

"_My mortality. I'm putting it to a vote."_

'She wouldn't dare?' I thought. But if I had learned anything about Bella over the past year, it was not to underestimate anything she might say and do once she made up her mind. She was almost as tenacious as the bear that attacked Emmett, and all I could do was concede to her in this matter.


	22. Chapter 22 Epiphany

**AN: Disclaimer – I do not own the characters or the italicized quotes; they all belong to Stephenie Meyer who is gracious enough to allow us to use them.**

**To everyone who has submitted a review, I wish to give a big 'THANK YOU;' those reviews mean a lot to me because they encourage me to keep up writing this particular story in the way it deserves. I have to confess, there have been a few times when I almost stopped writing this version of New Moon, and a few times when I thought about taking the easy way out and not putting as much thought into what I was written which would really have cheated Edward out of telling his side of the story. So to those who have review, thanks again because without you this story would have stopped seven chapters back.**

**Chapter 22 – Epiphany**

I knew there was no arguing with Bella, she was bound and determined to do exactly what she claimed she was going to do. I wasn't happy about it – okay, I was actually mad about her decision – but I decided it was better that I go along because it was definite that she would go with or without me. Besides, I couldn't allow her to jump out her bedroom window, and I knew that was just what she was planning. Where she got the crazy idea that she could jump that far without being hurt was a mystery to me, but I knew better. That drop would definitely put Bella in the hospital. Wasn't it bad enough that I was going to have to protect her from not only Victoria but also that pack of dogs without adding self-inflicted injuries to the list?

Without arguing any further, I simply took her into my arms and casually jumped out the window. It was such a natural act for me that it took no thought to accomplish the feat. As we reached the ground, I set her on the ground and said, _"All right then,"_ I hadn't meant for my anger to ring through the tone of my voice, but once I started speaking, I heard it clearly, which meant Bella also heard it. She was upset enough with me already, and I was only adding fuel to that particular fire.

Well, there was nothing I could do to remedy that fact, so I decided I might as well get this trip started. "_Up you go," _and I helped her up as I said it. There was one perk to having Bella riding on my back, it meant she would snuggle close and wrap her arms tightly – well, for her it was tightly – around my neck.

As soon as she was settled snuggly in place, I took off running. This was one activity that relaxed me. When I ran, I could put everything else out of my mind and concentrate on speed, the wind, and whatever was in front of me. I enjoyed the feel of the air as it brushed over my face. I hadn't realized it before but it felt similar to Bella's feather light caress.

My mind began to digress; I contemplated her touch, the feel of her skin against mine, the taste of her lips on mine, and the arousing sensations that assailed my body whenever we touched. Being around Bella without being about to enjoy some of the more pleasurable pastimes with her was going to be harder than I imagined. Up until this point, I had been able to hold that part of myself in check. With all the new sensations and images that where bombarding my mind, I began to question just how long I would be able to hold out.

Emmett would have a good laugh if he could read my mind right now, it wasn't too far from some of the milder thoughts he had about Rosalie, and that's saying a lot because I never considered any of his thoughts mild when compared to Carlisle and Jasper.

I could feel Bella's cheek resting against my neck, and the pleasure it gave me was mind boggling. I was accustomed to her hiding her face when we ran, but this seemed different, and I was enjoying the feeling. Then, when I thought it couldn't get any better, she turned and pressed her warm sweet lips to my neck. I thought it couldn't get any better than this, but then she turned and pressed her lips onto my neck and I thought I would erupt with the building physical stimulation I seemed to be experiencing. Just the simple action of her lips on my neck jolted me into the realization of how much Bella could excite me without meaning to, or maybe she did – I had to instantly halt those thoughts from occurring or I would do something I would really regret.

I had to turn my thoughts in other directions, and went back to Bella's earlier conversation about dreaming. Did she dream about things like this as she slept, or did this indicate something else for her? I was reaching a point where I didn't care what it meant; I just was enjoying the pleasure of her lips.

"_Thank you,"_ I offered and then added, _"Does that mean you've decided you're awake?"_

For the first time since we had been back together the crystal sound of true laughter rang from Bella's lips. It was a delight to my ears.

"_Not really. More that, either way, I'm not trying to wake up. Not tonight."_

"_I'll earn your trust back somehow,"_ I was making a heartfelt promise to her and to myself. _"If it's my final act."_

"_I trust __**you**__,"_ she said with conviction. _"It's me I don't trust."_

That totally did not make sense to me, so I said, _"Explain that, please."_ How was it possible she could trust me when she said I would leave her again, but not trust herself when she knew what she would do, and she knew what she wanted? I felt there was so much about her that I still did not understand, and as I thought this I slowed to a walk because I wanted my explanation before we reached the house.

"_Well,"_ she began hesitantly as though she were seeking the right words to explain. _"I don't trust myself to be . . . enough. To deserve you. There's nothing about me that could hold you."_

She was so far from being right that it was laughable, but laughing was the last thing I felt like doing. It was I who didn't deserve her. She was innocent, pure and untainted while I was a monster who survived on the warm sweet nectar of blood. What made it worse was that I had succumbed temporarily, at one point in my existence, to drinking human blood to assure my survival. My entire existence made me unworthy of her.

As to there being 'nothing about' **her** 'that could hold' **me**, that was so far from the truth that it was immeasurable. She was my everything, and I wouldn't willingly give her up unless she told me to, and even then I wouldn't go far. I had come to a complete stop upon hearing her doubts, and I reached around to help her off my back, but I never let go of her as I pulled her securely around in front of me. I may have set her feet on the ground, but I only wrapped my arms around her more and pulled her as gently and as closely to me as possible. She might not believe this, but I never intended to let her out of my sight again, and if she allowed it, I would be by her side every possible moment of every day that we remained together. She needed to realize this.

"_Your hold is permanent and unbreakable,"_ I whispered pouring my heart out to her. _"Never doubt that." _ If I could eternally and firmly plant that on her heart and in her mind, I would be happy.

There was still one question from before that she still had not answered, so I asked softly, _"You never did tell me . . .,"_ and then I wondered if I asked would she answer, and if she answered would I like her response.

"_What?"_

As long as I had begun, I decided I had better finish, so I asked, _"What your greatest problem is?"_

With a sigh she offered, _"I'll give you one guess,"_ and then she reached up to me and placed her finger on the end of my nose.

Just her simple touch was so amazingly wonderful that I would have been happy standing in the woods all night having her touch my face, and I would enjoy touching hers also, but she was right when she chose her greatest problem and I couldn't argue her choice. _"I'm worse than the Volturi. I guess I've earned that."_

She just rolled her eyes as she stared at me, then she explained, _"The worst the Volturi can do is kill me."_

She was playing down her own death, but to me that really was the worst thing that could happen to her because it meant I would lose her forever, and eternity, as I had learned, was a very long time. I figured there had to be more of a reason to it than that so I waited for her to explain.

When her answer finally came, it was painstakingly drawn out as if she were in agony as she said it. _"You can leave me. The Volturi, Victoria . . . they're nothing compared to that."_

I was beginning to understand. The separation for her was just as painful as it had been for me, and I had felt like I was dying a slow agonizing death each day. If that was what she had felt, then I had hurt her more than I had even imagined possible, and in order for that separation to hurt that much for her, she had to have extremely deep feelings for me.

It was finally beginning to sink in that she really did love me as much as I loved her. Over almost a century of time, I had never found anyone who could love me that deeply or that I could love deeply in return, and now that I had found her, I had almost lost her permanently. I was feeling a new kind of pain; one that made me wish I had never chosen the path I had taken by leaving her.

She was right, from her point of view. The Volturi and Victoria could take her life, but it would have been quick and not as painful . I, on the other hand, had left her broken and alone in her suffering, and if her suffering was as great as mine then she was right, I was her greatest threat because leaving would only cause her more unendurable anguish and that pain would not end quickly. I knew that pain because I too had suffered the loss of someone precious to me. How she must have hated me for putting her through that kind of torture and yet she willingly risked her life to save mine. She should hate me; she should make me suffer for her pain. At least I caused my own pain and deserved to be in misery; all she did was love me, and I hurt her beyond death itself.

There was one other aspect of our relationship that made me a worse threat to her. My constant desire for her alluring blood was a moment to moment desire to drain her of every last delicious tantalizing drop of sweet wine, but besides that desire, there was also a new and growing desire within me for her physically as well. She may not have realized this new threat, but I had discovered it the moment she flew into my arms in that dark alley. As I held her and was thrilled by the feel and closeness of her, a new desire began to burn even more inside of me than it ever had before, and I knew if I wasn't extremely cautious, I could cause her even more damage by losing control of those desires.

Bella must have seen my confusion and noticed how tormenting my thoughts had become because she softly whispered, _"Don't."_ Then she reached out and softly touched my face before she continued, _"Don't be sad."_

I half heartedly smiled; here she was trying to console me when I should be down on my knees begging for her forgiveness. What could I say to make any of this better? There had to be some way to make her see the truth of the entire situation and the depth of my feelings for her.

All I could offer was, _"If there was only some way to make you see that I can't leave you. Time, I suppose, will be the way to convince you."_

I knew she meant to make me smile when she replied, _"Okay,"_ but it wasn't enough to dispel the pain I felt for hurting her.

Then in a lighter tone, she asked, _"So – since you're staying. Can I have my stuff back?"_

It was the first sign that she might believe me about staying, but it was also a ridiculous question, and I wouldn't tell her that. Instead, with a slight smile I confessed, _"Your things were never gone. I knew it was wrong, since I promised you peace without reminders."_ Now that I thought more about it, I realized it was stupid, and hurtful that I had even tried to steal her memories. My memories of Bella were the only thing that had kept me together all those agonizing months, and I had tried to steal those same memories from Bella. In a way, I was glad I hadn't, so I explained, _"It was stupid and childish, but I wanted to leave something of myself with you. The CD, the pictures, the tickets – they're all under your floorboards."_ I wouldn't confess how I looked for ones that were already loose in the hopes that she would find them quickly. Obviously, I had not chosen well.

"_Really?"_ She seemed surprised but also slightly pleased that I had not taken them away.

I just nodded my agreement to the fact. At least I had brought her a modicum of pleasure by reassuring her that her 'stuff' was still in her room.

Then she hesitantly said, "_I think, I'm not sure, but I wonder . . . I think maybe I knew it the whole time."_

"_What did you know?"_ I sought clarification. I found her words much more confusing when I couldn't see or hear what she really meant as she thought about what she said.

As I watched her, I noticed she seemed unsure of her words at first, but as she continued, it was as if she were discovering a new secret she didn't know before. _"Some part of me, my subconscious maybe, never stopped believing that you still cared whether I lived or died. That's probably why I was hearing the voices."_

Alice hadn't mentioned that Bella was hearing voices. Here was something else I didn't know about or understand. What voices, and what were they telling her? Were they the reason she jumped?

"_Voices?"_ It bothered me and I had to know more.

"_Well, just one voice. Yours. It's a long story."_

'My voice? Why mine and what exactly did it tell her?' I wondered. It obviously hadn't told her that I loved her, missed her, and desperately needed her, for if it had truly been my voice that was just what it would have said. So what did her version of my voice tell her? Was I hurting her even more without being the one who was really saying or thinking the words the voice whispered to her?

This I just had to hear, long story or not. _"I've got time."_

"_It's pretty pathetic,"_ she offered.

And I just waited for her to continue wondering what my voice could have told her, and whether it was a good or a bad thing that she even heard it.

After a slight pause, she continued, _"Do you remember what Alice said about extreme sports?"_

It was not something I was soon to forget. 'Extreme?' I thought, 'Way more than extreme in my opinion!' I wanted to add, and then I wanted to ask, but withheld the question, 'Did my voice tell you to jump?' I began to wonder what else she considered an extreme sport besides the one that began my trip to the Volturi. To show her I knew of what she spoke, I replied, _"You jumped off a cliff for fun," _but I wanted to include, 'Didn't you realize such a jump could kill you?'

"_Er, right. And before that, with the motorcycle - -"_

It was out of my mouth before I realized it, _"Motorcycle?"_ Alice hadn't mentioned any motorcycle. 'Why would she risk her life like that?' was another thought that flashed across my overly active mind.

"_I guess I didn't tell Alice about that part,"_ she offered innocently as if none of this really mattered but were just trivial everyday events for her.

I shuddered ever so slightly as my mind interjected, 'Just a normal Bella day! Motorcycles, werewolves, and cliff diving.' Aloud, I tersely replied, _"No,"_ and decided she probably hadn't told Alice because of the reaction she knew she would have gotten from Alice, if Alice had known she was daily risking her life.

"_Well, about that,"_ she began hesitantly, _"See, I found that . . . when I was doing something dangerous or stupid . . . I could remember you more clearly."_

My mind tried to wrap around the odd concept, she was telling me that she faced death so she could remember me better. I was bad for her, especially if her only clear memories of me could occur when she risked her own precious life. That did not say much for how hard I had tried to protect her by leaving her; it only proved I had put her in more danger than ever. It felt like there was no way for me to keep Bella safe. She either faced death at my hands, at the hands of others connected to me in some way, or by her own devices. How would I ever be able to keep her alive if even she was out to destroy what I saw as precious and worth preserving?

I pulled my attention back to her as she said, _"I could remember how your voice sounded when you were angry. I could hear it, like you were standing right there next to me."_

'She risked her life so she could hear me _yell_ at her? Unbelievable!' I thought.

"_Mostly I tried not to think about you, but this didn't hurt so much – it was like you were protecting me again. Like you didn't want me to be hurt."_

I was abashed by her revelation. She intentionally put herself in harm's way so I would yell at her and it made her hurt less that way than trying not to think about me. It sounded so wrong and so dangerous for her, and yet she treated it as if it were the right thing for her to do.

"_And, well, I wonder if the reason I could hear you so clearly was because underneath it all, I always knew that you hadn't stopped loving me."_

'How could she?' I asked myself. 'Why would she?' I was finding it hard to comprehend how she could do anything of that magnitude. Disbelievingly I tried to say, _"You . . . were . . . risking your life . . . to hear – "_

She quickly stopped me. _"Shh. Hold on a second. I think I'm having an epiphany here."_

My mind flew into overdrive at that moment. 'She tells me she risked her life, not once but a multitude of times, participating in extreme sports just to hear my voice because hearing my voice yell at her hurt less than trying to forget. And now she is having an epiphany. About what? About how dangerous it was? Or what if it is worse? What if she has just realized she can go on with her life without me?' It seemed that my mind could find every negative aspect about what Bella was thinking about, but I knew she was thinking. Watching her eyes, it was almost as if I looked deep enough into them I could see the wheels moving, but the question was whether it would be a positive outcome for me or a negative.

More than anything, I wanted Bella to realize that I had always loved her, that I would always love her, and that my love for her would never change. Well, over time, it will grow deeper, but it positively will never lessen. Oh no, she was my bright and shining moon, my meteor that lit up the dark night sky, my reason for existing. From the moment I realized I loved her, it was like existing had a meaning, a reason for going from one day to the next. Was this how Rosalie felt when she found Emmett, or how Jasper felt when he finally met Alice? Is this why Carlisle was willing to change Esme even though changing me had not worked out at first like he thought it would? Maybe everybody in my family knew what I was missing all these years, but maybe they also knew that until I discovered true love for myself I would never believe that sharing my time with someone I really loved would make a difference in the way I felt about my own existence.

Bella might be having an epiphany, but maybe I was having my own. Bella did loved me; not just a teenage crush, but she loved me enough to be in agonizing physical pain, enough pain that she thought participating in life threatening activities in order to hear my pathetic voice would helped reduce the pain. It was also possible that her love for me might have been as great as my love for her but of that I wasn't yet positive. The next question was what was I going to do? If she truly loved me, even half as much as I loved her, what should be my next step? Was I willing to let her go and lose the love she felt for me, or would I fight to regain her love? And if I fought, would Bella allow me a chance to win back her love?

If only I could hear what was going on behind those glistening eyes as her mind sorted out her epiphany. Instead of hearing, I had to wait through the agonizingly long minutes that it was taking her to come to a full realization of whatever it was she was finally realizing.

I felt adrift in a sea of unanswered questions threatening to drown me while Bella continued deep in thought about something and I had absolutely no clue as to what she was really contemplating. For the first time in my long existence, I felt confused and lost like any normal person would due to the fact that I could not guess what Bella was really thinking. I loathed the feeling; Bella **would** have to be the only human whose mind I couldn't penetrate, and I would have to fall in love with the only human whose mind I could not access no matter how hard I tried.

It seemed that my only alternative in all of this was going to be the most frustrating one for me. I would have to wait for Bella to tell me what she was thinking, and then the question would be how much she would edit from it.

Bella's sudden, _"Oh!" _surprised me.

"_Bella?"_ I asked hoping she would finally reveal what she had been so deep in thought about.

"_Oh. Okay, I see."_

Not very revealing by itself, but I wondered if this was about her epiphany, and then if it was good or bad and what it would mean in our relationship if one still existed. _"Your epiphany?"_ I asked suddenly debating whether I really wanted to know the outcome now that it had finally arrived.

"_You love me."_ She said it with conviction.

'Finally,' I thought as relief flowed through me. Maybe now we would be able to move forward, and maybe now I could begin to earn her trust back. In a way, I also felt extremely thankful that she finally believed me as I smiled and answered with my heart, _"Truly, I do."_

To add emphasis to my words, I took her lovely warm face between my stone cold hands and once again put my love into the kiss I gave her. I also put as much passion into it as I dared without harming her, and I put my hope into that kiss believing that we could overcome all the barriers that still stood in our way and that we could rebuild our relationship to one of mutual love and trust.

I so enjoyed the new kiss that I found myself becoming emotionally excited and for some reason I was sucking in and pushing out air a little faster than normal when I pulled my lips away from Bella's. In fact, I leaned my forehead against hers because I felt slightly light headed.

With everything that had happened, and was still happening, I realized she had done the best she could to survive while I was gone. She had, in a sense, gone on with her life even if it was not in a manner I would have approved of. I, on the other hand, had actually withdrawn from everything I had once held dear. It had hurt too much to stay around my family because of the love they each shared with someone who was significant to them while I found myself struggling just to find a way to make it from one day to the next.


	23. Chapter 23 This Concerns You

**_AN: All characters and _****_italicized _****_quotes belong to Stephenie Meyer who I thank for allowing me the opportunity to write this version of New Moon. I also wish to thanks everyone who has taken time to review the chapters and let me know what they think of them, and a great big thank you to my beta's for all the great editing._  
**

**From Chapter 22**

**With everything that had happened, and was still happening, I realized she had done the best she could to survive while I was gone. She had, in a sense, gone on with her life even if it was not in a manner I would have approved of. I, on the other hand, had actually withdrawn from everything I had once held dear. It had hurt too much to stay around my family because of the love they each shared with someone who was significant to them while I found myself struggling just to find a way to make it from one day to the next.**

**Chapter 23 – This Concerns You**

Recent events and the myriad of thoughts that had passed through my mind suddenly caused me to realize something that I hadn't considered before and I shared it with Bella. _"You were better at it than I was, you know,"_ I might be immortal and old, but maybe in this instance I hadn't been stronger than her.

"_Better at what?"_ she questioned.

"_Surviving."_ She might be a walking danger magnet, but at least she survived. _"You, at least, made an effort. You got up in the morning, tried to be normal for Charlie,"_ for which I was truly grateful; otherwise, she might have really fallen apart, _"followed the pattern of your life. When I wasn't actively tracking, I was . . . totally useless."_ I was the one who fell apart and had so little to hold me together. Even my family failed to help me, while Charlie was able to help Bella even though she might not have fully realized it. She survived for him, but I let my family down by not doing anything for them. _"I couldn't be around my family – I couldn't be around anyone."_ All I had wanted was Bella, and I had discovered the hard way that there was no substitute for her, but it took me being absolutely miserable and in extreme agony before I finally admitted that to myself. _"I'm embarrassed to admit that I more or less curled up into a ball and let the misery have me."_ I tried to smile but I also felt foolish. _"It was much more pathetic than hearing voices,"_ I added truthfully.

She had survived much better than I had, and she did it without my help. Maybe she didn't need me to keep her safe, but I would stay around anyway. She was going to learn that I really was here to stay. As I looked at her, I reflected on the idea that I would never be able to survive without her, and in all truthfulness, I never wanted to leave her side again. I felt my heart swell with love and adoration as I looked at her while she listened to my pathetic confession. I always wondered how the males in my family could experience such deep emotions for the women in their lives since those were human emotions. I never really saw any of us as human, but with Bella in my life, I knew that the human part of me had awakened. All the feeling and emotions I thought I had lost slowly awakened as I spent more time with her, and I discovered, once those emotions had awakened, I was never going to be able to put them to rest. I resolved that the only way to deal with all those new emotions was to keep Bella as close to me as possible. Those thoughts only made me more aware of the love I had for her as I looked lovingly upon her beautiful face.

Her response snapped me back into focus, _"Just one voice."_

'Yes,' I thought, 'but at least it was my voice she had been hearing.' That in itself was some comfort to me because it proved she had been thinking about me even as she tried to forget me. Leave it to Bella to be as contradictory as possible.

All my thoughts that evening, all the revelations I had as we spoke caused me to laugh, the first real laugh I had experienced since deserting Bella in those woods so many long, lonely, agonizing months ago. I felt more in love with her now that we were back together than I had before I left. Indulging in an urge, I pulled her tightly to my side, vowing to never desert her again no matter what might happen in the future, and I started to lead her toward the house.

She might want to put her mortality to the vote, but I had decided that I wanted to keep her as she was because I could not face the risk of losing her if anything went wrong. Keeping her human meant I wouldn't have to risk the fear of having her die rather than be transformed. If anything happened to take her from me forever, I would never forgive myself, and the next time I sought destruction, I wouldn't be stopped and I wouldn't fail.

As we moved forward, I informed Bella, _"I'm just humoring you with this,"_ and I swept my arm in front of us indicating my family inside of the house._"It doesn't matter in the slightest what they say."_

"_This affects them now, too,"_ she told me.

I just shrugged as it wasn't as big a deal as she made it out to be. If it came down to a fight, Emmett would thrive on it, and Jasper was extremely knowledgeable about fighting vampires. His knowledge alone would be to our advantage because it was something I had held back from Aro, and I never saw Alice reveal Jasper's background. Aro might be able to invade our minds, but with years of practice keeping me out of hers when she wanted to, Alice had learned how to hide things so no one entering her mind would find them, and even I was able to keep some things closed off from Aro. Besides, he had been looking for specific information and that was what I fed to him.

As we reached the front door, I lead her through the door and turned the lights on since the house was dark. We might not need the light to see, but I knew Bella would need it if she wasn't to trip and hurt herself. I knew everyone was present; it was just a matter of letting them know they were needed. _"Carlisle? Esme? Rosalie? Emmett? Jasper? Alice?"_ As I mentioned each name, I heard them responding by leaving whatever room they were in and making their way toward Bella and me.

Carlisle was the first to present himself to Bella. His greeting was cordial and welcoming._"Welcome back Bella."_ To me he asked, 'She's here to stay, right?' But I offered no answer. _"What can we do for you this morning? I imagine, due to the hour, that this is not a purely social visit?"_

He shot me a quick glance to see if I would offer any revealing information, but I kept my focus on Bella. I knew what she planned on discussing; I couldn't stop her, but I wouldn't agree with her either.

Bella gave a slight nod as she replied, _"I'd like to talk to everyone at once, if that's okay. About something important."_

Bella looked at me, I was willing to let her have her say, but she had to know I wouldn't agree no matter how she asked or how often she asked. It was just much safer for her to remain human.

I felt Carlisle's eyes on me as well waiting for me to offer some explanation which I wasn't about to offer. No, this was Bella's party so I kept my focus on her.

"_Of course. Why don't we talk in the other room?"_ And Carlisle led the way toward the dining room. It was the room where we held our family meetings. Sitting around the table allowed us to view each other as we spoke; Esme liked the idea of the family sitting around the dining room table to talk and Carlisle always compared it to a family conference. The last time we all gathered around the table was last fall when I informed them of my decision to leave Bella because it was in her best interest that I stay away from her. It would be healthier and safer for her I reasoned. What a misconception that had been, and now here we all were again, but this time it was so Bella could talk to them about her death. Well, she could talk all she wanted, but I would refuse to allow it. I would just veto any vote the family took. Carlisle generally left this type of decision up to me for it concerned me more than anyone else, so I was sure that when he voted he would agree to abide by whatever decision I made.

As Carlisle seated Bella at the table, the rest of the family filed into the room and took seats around the table. I took my place on Bella's left side and Carlisle sat on her other side. The family might have filed in quietly, but their minds were anything but silent.

'No matter what he says,' Emmett nearly shouted before he entered the room, 'he's not leaving her again. He can't put her through that pain a second time, and I'm damned if I'll let him hurt Esme like that again either. Hmm, I wonder what she will look like as a vampire.'

'Don't worry Edward,' Alice thoughts held more assurance and comfort and she smiled at Bella. 'No matter what is decided, everything will be alright. Just stop worrying about it so much.' In her mind were her resent visions of Bella becoming one of us. I found it easy to repress the growl that had started because Jasper was spreading a calm feeling throughout the room.

'Relax Edward,' was the only thought aimed at me from Jasper. 'I wonder what Bella can want at this early hour. At least she looks better than when she got off the plane.'

'I love you Edward, but I also love Bella. Allow her to say whatever she feels she needs to say without interrupting.' I had expected nothing less from Esme. Besides Jasper, she was the other calming factor in the family.

It was Rosalie who surprised me. 'I hope this isn't about her wanting to give up her human life. That would be such a tragedy. She has so much life in front of her.'

Bella gave a shy smile as everyone sat facing her. Then Carlisle gave her a nod as he said,_"The floor is yours."_

I could feel Bella tense up slightly beside me, so I reached for her hand under the table and held it trying to help her relax a little. My eyes, however, I kept on my family. Emmett was especially vocal with his thoughts.

'If she asks to be changed, I'm going to encourage Carlisle to change her. Edward's idea of leaving for her well being was stupid. Look at how pale she is. She's so thin. What was he thinking? She doesn't look well at all. She looks peaked and washed out. I don't remember Bella looking that white before.'

I just wanted to tell him to stop. I had berated myself already for what I had done, and I still felt guilty about it even though Bella said I shouldn't. The last thing I needed was Emmett reminding me how much I had hurt her.

Jasper's thoughts weren't much better. 'If she's changed, it will be much easier having her in the house. Alice shared her visions about Bella being one of us, and I'll be glad when it happens. How can everyone sit here and not be tempted, especially Edward? His feelings are so strong. His feelings are strong in new areas as well. He really does have it bad. He wants her both ways. It will be interesting to see which side wins out.'

Jasper was another one I would like to throttle right after Emmett. It was hard enough sitting through this knowing what Bella had in mind, but their thoughts were making it much more difficult on many different levels, and it didn't help that Jasper knew exactly what I was feeling, and when this was all over, he would happily share that information with Alice if she didn't know it already. I decided I had to stay focused on the fact that this was about Bella; I would have to keep calm so I didn't do something I would regret because of my anger about Emmett and Jasper's thoughts.

When Bella finally started speaking it was slow and hesitant at first. _"Well . . . I'm hoping Alice has already told you everything that happened in Volterra?"_

I saw Alice give a slight nod as she responded, _"Everything."_

I could vouch for that because I had been here while she was retelling the family about the event.

"_And on the way?"_ I noticed Bella's eyes locked on Alice's.

"_That too,"_ she added with another nodded, but very briefly so that I just about missed it, I heard, 'Almost.'

I wondered what Alice meant by 'almost,' and I filed it away as something I would_'definitely'_ ask Alice about later.

"_Good,"_ Bella continued and released a sigh that sent my senses reeling.

Bella had once said I dazzled her and it occurred when I breathed on her. I wondered if what she felt was what I had just felt as her sigh wafted across my face.

"_Then we're all on the same page,"_ she added before taking a pause.

She started with, _"So, I have a problem."_ Then she looked toward Alice before continuing, _"Alice promised the Volturi that I would become one of you. They're going to send someone to check, and I'm sure that's a bad thing – something to avoid."_

She looked around the table before continuing. _"And so, now, this involves you all. I'm sorry about that,"_ and again she looked at each one of them before looking at me.

I was not happy where this was leading, but I promised myself not to interrupt until she had her say.

"_But, if you don't want me, then I'm not going to force myself on you, whether Alice is willing or not."_

'Not me, I don't think I can,' Alice thought as Bella was implying that it would be Alice who would change her; at the same time Esme wanted to reassure Bella that she was more than welcome in the family, but Bella put up one deliciously perfect finger, which was tempting me to kiss it, in order to stop Esme from replying.

"_Please, let me finish. You all know what I want. And I'm sure you know what Edward thinks, too."_

On that score, she was correct. I had already told everyone I couldn't change Bella, and that I was happy leaving her as a human. I hadn't, however, shared my fear of losing Bella if we tried to change her.

"_I think the only fair way to decide is for everyone to have a vote. If you decide you don't want me, then . . ."_

I didn't like the pause she took at that moment, and I wanted into her mind instantly to know exactly what she was planning.

"_I guess I'll go back to Italy alone. I can't have __**them**__ coming** h**__**ere**__."_

To say I wasn't happy with her comment was an understatement. In fact, to say I was irate was also an understatement. What I felt about her returning to Italy was enough for me to want to completely rip something apart and utterly destroy it; it took everything inside of me to hold myself in check. Even Jasper was finding it hard to calm me down, and the slight growl that escaped was an infant compared to the roar I would have liked to let out.

Bella never once looked at me or acknowledged me before casually continuing on, _"Taking into account, then, that I won't put any of you in danger either way, I want you to vote yes or no on the issue of me becoming a vampire."_

She had laid her life on the line so calmly that as she looked to Carlisle for his reply, I interrupted by saying, _"Just a minute,"_ which caused her to glare at me through narrowed eyes. I responded by squeezing her hand gently and raising my eyebrows at her scowl.

I wasn't about to allow her look to stop me from having my say in this matter. _"I have something to add before we vote,"_ to which Bella sighed and I knew it was in frustration at the fact that I would try to influence how everyone voted.

"_About the danger Bella's referring to, I don't think we need to be overly anxious."_ I could make this seem like a distant event that need not concern them, and in keeping with that idea, I placed my hand on the table and leaned slightly forward. _"You see, there was more than one reason why I didn't want to shake Aro's hand there at the end. There's something they didn't think of, and I didn't want to clue them in,"_ I smiled broadly as I told everyone this.

Alice stared at me disbelievingly, _"Which was?"_

'Just what were you planning that I didn't see,' she wondered.

I continued in confidence. _"The Volturi are overconfident,"_ I could hear it in their thoughts while we were in the midst of them, _"and with good reason. When they decide to find someone, it's not really a problem."_ I looked at Bella and asked, _"Do you remember Demetri?"_

I saw Bella visibly shake and knew she did remember him.

"_He finds people – that's his talent, why they keep him."_ It was a rather simple answer, but I knew it would suffice for the time being_. "Now, the whole time we were with any of them, I was picking their brains for anything that might save us, getting as much information as possible."_

Aro coveted my talent, and so he should, for if he could hear thoughts the same way I did he would have known what I was doing and we might never have left Volterra.

"_So,"_ I continued, _"I saw how Demetri's talent works. He's a tracker – a tracker a thousand times more gifted than James was."_ James was a neophyte compared to him. _"His ability is loosely related to what I do, or what Aro does. He catches the . . . flavor? I don't know how to describe it . . . the tenor . . . of someone's mind, and then he follows that. It works over immense distances."_

'My sweet Bella,' I thought quickly, 'she confounds everyone.'

"_But after Aro's little experiment, well . . ."_ it didn't seem necessary to continue for everyone seemed to catch on extremely quickly.

'Wow, she's wonderful,' Emmett thought. 'She'll really be a lot of fun once she's been changed. This could get very interesting.'

It wasn't the response I had hoped for, but maybe only Emmett would feel that way.

Carlisle's thoughts were more deeply and seriously focused. 'I wonder what makes Bella so special that she is immune to all mind related talents. It's obvious her emotions are open to suggestion because of what Jasper has been able to do, but her mind . . ..' It was like he was left with one large question mark where an answer should have been.

'I always felt Bella was more unique than any other human,' Esme was glowing with pride that Bella would prove so special, and that she had felt it all along. She referred to it, in her thoughts, as a mother's instincts.

Bella was the only one to voice doubt on the subject. _"You think he won't be able to find me."_

I more than just thought it. _"I'm sure of it. He relies totally on that other sense. When it doesn't work with you, they'll all be blind."_ I felt extremely confident that I was right. Here, once again, was something I was absolutely right about.

"_And how does that solve anything?"_ Bella challenged.

"_Quite obviously, Alice will be able to tell when they're planning a visit, and I'll hide you. They'll be helpless."_ This could prove extremely entertaining. From the pleased look on Emmett's face, I knew, without hearing, he was thinking along the exact same lines. _"It will be like looking for a piece of straw in a haystack!"_

'Sweet,' Emmett thought. 'It'll be just like that kids' game we played when I was younger, but more fun because this time I can help hide the button from someone else. I'm going to enjoy this. Maybe we should invite them over and get started.'

I smiled at Emmett pleased that he liked my idea, even if he was becoming a little premature about inviting the Volturi to come over.

Bella interrupted my pleasurable moment by reminding everyone, _"But they can find you."_

I didn't know what she was worried about. _"And I can take care of myself,"_ I assured her with all the confidence that I felt.

Emmett laughed heartily as he reached across the table offering his fist for me to touch with mine. 'I like this idea. It's about time we had some real action and fun. Sure, it's fun to watch Bella blush, but this. Well, this will be even more fun – conflicting action, and the more the merrier.' Aloud he confirmed his thoughts, _"Excellent plan, my brother."_

I reached out to him and struck his fist with mine just as Rosalie hissed, _"No."_

Bella piped in,_"Absolutely not."_

"_Nice,"_ Jasper supported. 'I'm in. We need a little action to make things lively, and this could actually be a challenge worth accepting.'

Under her breath Alice mumbled, _"Idiots,"_ and silently added, 'This is entirely your fault Edward. You just had to offer them a challenge and you know how they respond to any idiotic, harebrained, asinine challenge flung in their path.'

Esme's response was the harshest because it came with the motherly look and warning, 'Someone could get hurt Edward. How could you suggest something so reckless? And what if they find her anyway? Then where will this end?'

I felt Bella sit up straight in her chair, and in a cool but determined voice she said,_"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let's vote."_

She came right down to the point without any hesitation, and she had that determined 'I mean business' look on her face. Plus she had that stubborn set to her jaw that said, 'This is it.'


	24. Chapter 24 The Vote

**AN note: All characters and dialog in italics belong to Stephenie Meyer. **

**Only three more chapters after this one. I'm nearly done.**

**---------------------------------------------------------------**

**From Chapter 23**

I felt Bella sit up straight in her chair, and in a cool but determined voice she said,_"All right, then. Edward has offered an alternative for you to consider. Let's vote."_

She came right down to the point without any hesitation, and she had that determined 'I mean business' look on her face. Plus she had that stubborn set to her jaw that said, 'This is it.'

**Chapter 24 – The Vote**

She faced me and simply asked,_ "Do you want me to join your family."_

Whether she realized it or not, she already was a part of my family; I had no problem with her being a part of my family or my life, but I did have a problem with killing her and that was what she was really asking for – to die. I'm not sure Bella fully understood the consequences of becoming a vampire. It wasn't just being bitten, it was everything she would give up, and she had to give up more than just aging. She had to give up her family and friends and never see them again because they couldn't know what she had become. That information alone could cost them their lives. Plus, during the first year, she could easily kill them for their blood without any regrets until it was too late. Control was a hard lesson to learn, and Jasper was still struggling with his control even after all these years. She would also be forced to accept the fact that she was something of a 'freak.' Sparkling skin, not sleeping, and extremely strong and fast, all abilities that had to be hidden from humans and would make her feel different from everyone else.

No, in my mind there had to be another way for us to stay together and I knew before I opened my mouth that she wouldn't like my answer. _"Not that way. You're staying human."_ I was determined to keep her human so she would have no regrets and because I wouldn't risk the chance of losing her if something went wrong.

Her response was just a nod and then she turned to Alice. _"Alice?"_

"_Yes,"_ was her reply to Bella, but for me she added. 'It is the only way Edward. It is safer for her and for all of us. I don't want Jasper fighting the Volturi no matter how excited he is about the prospect. I won't lose him, and you shouldn't want to lose Bella either.'

"_Jasper?"_

"_Yes,"_ adding silently, 'I don't want to be tempted by her again. I couldn't live with myself or Alice if I caused her death because I couldn't control my hunger. Edward has to realize that this would be the safest way for all of us, and I don't think he plans on leaving her again. I don't think she could survive it a second time.'

His initial response surprised me only a little; I knew having Bella around was hard for him, but I thought he had adjusted. He did have good reason, from his perspective, as to why she should be changed, I just couldn't agree with them, and he was right, I would not leave her again unless she sent me away, but I wouldn't go far; actually I couldn't go far because she was necessary now to my survival.

"_Rosalie?"_

'How could she give up being human? Does she know she will never get back what she forfeits?' I saw Rose biting her lower lip as she prepared her answer. I knew she would agree with me but for different reasons. Her answer was never in doubt.

"_No."_

Bella was preparing to ask Emmett his opinion. His was also easy to predict without hearing his thoughts, but Rose held out her hands in supplication. _"Let me explain. I don't mean that I have any aversion to you as a sister."_ Internally she added, 'It would be nice to have a third female around to go shopping, but that's not what is important right now. I need to find the right way to say this without sounding offensive.' Rose was trying to compose the right words as she spoke, and said, _"It's just that,"_ she hesitated slightly pulling out the proper words_, "this is not the life I would have chosen for myself. I wish there had been someone there to vote no for me."_

Rosalie hoped that Bella understood what she was saying, but she also realized that Bella was unaware of the circumstances of her demise. I had told everyone that I didn't share their stories with Bella because I felt they each had a right to tell their own stories. Alice and Esme preferred that I told their stories as I knew them, and Emmett said he didn't care if I shared because Bella would get a laugh out how he met his fate.

With Rosalie's explanation finished, Bella turned to Emmett. His answer was the easiest to predict without hearing his thoughts.

'You can't do anything fun with her being human, and if you love her you need to change her,' he threw at me. To Bella he grinned and said, _"Hell, yes! We can find some other way to pick a fight with this Demetri."_

I noticed a frown appear upon Bella's face over the last part, but I also knew Rosalie wasn't too happy about him wanting to pick a fight either. Bella next turned to Esme.

Esme would have a mother's reaction all the way, not just for Bella but for me. 'You need her as much as she needs you, Edward,' she offered before answering.

"_Yes, of course, Bella. I already think of you as part of my family."_ Esme's slight smile was welcoming to Bella, but a warning to me. 'She belongs with you Edward and you belong with her. Don't wait until it is too late and you lose her forever.'

Bella replied, _"Thank you, Esme."_

Only Carlisle remained, already the vote was against me, and I had counted on Carlisle allowing me to make this decision, but I now knew his answer wouldn't be what I had hoped for. He had been trying to tell me all along that changing her was the safest way for Bella more than anyone else but I had failed to listen. He had reminded me earlier, before I had gone to Bella's house to wait for her to wake up, that this was really Bella's choice and not mine, and that Bella would be safer if she weren't so fragile, and Bella was fragile in more ways than one. Her human frailty was only a part of her weakness; her insecurity about how important she was to me was another. He warned me, as did Esme, that I could end up pushing her out of my life without realizing that I was doing it. They both wanted me to see how precious yet fragile Bella's love was; it wasn't everyday that I would find a human who would love me despite what I was, and they were right to some extent, but that didn't make it any easier to accept the fact that Bella could not become a vampire without first dying, and with her death came the loss of everything that had been important to her up to this point in her life. Once she realized she would never get back what she lost, she would hate me for not stopping her. That was one of my reasons for keeping her human.

As I was pondering all of this, I felt Bella tense up as she faced Carlisle. Did she think he would reject her request?

Carlisle did not look at Bella as she turned to him for an answer; instead he addressed me both verbally and mentally. _"Edward,"_ his internal words of warning were already ringing through my brain, 'there is no other way for this to work out for the two of you. Bella wants this and I'm willing to perform the necessary procedure to allow her to have what she wants. This is **her** choice Edward.'

"_No,"_ I heard the harsh growl flow out along with my denial of what Carlisle was saying. He had always allowed me to make my own choices, but he was right, this wasn't my choice, it was Bella's but that didn't make it easier nor did it make it right.

"_It is the only way that makes sense," _he was persistent as he continued. _"You've chosen not to live without her, and that doesn't leave me a choice."_ His eyes bore into mine, 'I will not put Esme through the pain of thinking she has lost another child again. You didn't see the pain and suffering she went through when she thought she had lost you. You know you're her favorite. I won't allow her to feel that pain again when I can do something to stop it, and you have demonstrated the fact that you cannot nor do you want to survive without Bella, and she seems incapable of surviving safely without you. I will offer to change her if you won't.'

It was more than I could accept; I carried the guilt of what I had done to Bella by leaving her and then Carlisle adds the guilt, I know it wasn't deliberate, by telling me about the pain and suffering I had cause Esme as well. To avoid hurting Bella, I dropped her hand, pushed away from the table, and left the room as swiftly as possible to vent my anger away from Bella's sight. She had never seen me violently angry, and that was just how I felt. I heard what was happening in the other room, but ignored it. If only Victoria had been in the vicinity, then I could have taken my pent up rage out on her by tearing her into tiny pieces. Instead, the only thing I found to vent my anger on was the brand new plasma screen television that Emmett had ordered. He had been like a kid at Christmas when it finally arrived, and now I found myself savagely tearing it in half, and yet that actions did not appease my anger because I still felt an almost uncontrollable rage swelling around inside of me. As I tore the television in half, I heard Emmett warning, 'That had better not be what I think it is or you'll regret it Edward.'

Emmett would be unhappy, 'No,' I thought, 'that's too mild. Emmett will be livid about what I did to the television', and then I reminded myself, 'at least it was something I could replace later.' The problem I faced was that I couldn't replace Bella's human life once it was taken from her. One other question also remained unresolved for me; what if she changed her mind after she was changed and decided she didn't want to remain with us or even just me?

As if I could regret anything more than the loss of Bella. Bella, the only one I would ever love, the one who could make my heart leap for joy or shriek out in pain, the only one who sent new pulsating sensations through my cold dead body anytime she touched me, and oh, how her touch thrilled me beyond all previously known sensations. For the first time in my long existence, I had discovered that the human part of me still dwelt deep within, and only Bella was able to bring out that part of me that could not only love her but also yearned for her in the ways a man yearned for a woman.

Just as I was about to destroy something else, I heard Bella say, _"Well, Alice, where do you want to do this?"_

'Not now,' was my first thought, but what came out as I rushed back into the dining room was, _"No! __**No! NO!**__ Are you insane? Have you utterly lost your mind?"_ I hadn't realized I was roaring until I saw Bella cringe away from me with her hand over her ears. 'That was stupid Edward. She'll never listen to you if you yell and threaten her.' I thought to myself.

'Calm down Edward,' was Carlisle's caution.

'Edward, you're scaring her,' Esme warned.

"_Um, Bella,"_ Alice was trying to find a way to back out of the offer she had made on the flight to Italy. I heard the conversation as it flashed through her mind. _"I don't think I'm __**ready**__ for that. I'll need to prepare . . ."_ There was doubt in her mind as she wondered if she could even really carry through with her promise.

I wouldn't allow Alice near her, so I was shielding Bella from her, but from behind me I heard, "_You promised."_

I sensed Alice's fear of failure and her concern about what it would involve as she replied, _"I know, but . . . Seriously Bella! I don't have any idea how to not kill you."_

Alice would not be to harm Bella in any way because I would stop her.

Bella only encouraged her by replying, _"You can do it. I trust you."_

'Oh sure,' I thought, 'She can trust Alice with her life, but she can't trust me that I won't leave her again. That's just great.' Besides, there was no way I would allow Alice near enough to her to even try changing her. I snarled at her, letting her know she would have to come past me to get to Bella.

The look on Alice's face was one of shear panic.

Bella turned her focus from Alice to Carlisle as she asked, _"Carlisle?"_

I knew his reply, so before he could answer, I took her face in one hand as I held the other one out to stop Carlisle from replying. Unfortunately, he didn't heed me.

"_I'm able to do it. You would be in no danger of me losing control."_ At least he was right about that. Of all of us, he had the most control over his physical hunger and he would never do anything that would threaten her successful change.

Bella ignored the fact that I was holding her jaw and replied, _"Sounds good."_

I had to stop this; it was all moving too fast. I needed time to convince Bella to wait, at least for a while so I had more time to develop another plan.

To stall for time, I said_, "Hold on, it doesn't have to be now."_ I wasn't ready; they both needed to give me time.

With effort, since I still held her jaw in my hand, Bella said, _"There's no reason for it not to be now."_

Thinking quickly, I offered, _"I can think of a few."_

She wasn't happy; I could tell that by the look in her eyes. _"Of course you can. Now let go of me."_

I had to be careful to restrain my anger, so I let go of her face and folded my arms over my chest to hold them from doing anything foolish. Then I offered my first reason. _"In about two hours, Charlie will be here looking for you. I wouldn't put it past him to involve the police."_ He had been extremely upset when I brought Bella home. When he found her bed empty, he would know exactly where to look for her. He would probably believe that I took her and not the other way around.

I think Bella meant to be sarcastic as she said _"All three of them,"_ and it did sound ludicrous, but there was a slight crease in her brow as she said it.

I noticed a change in her eyes, and I knew she was once again in deep thought about something. Was she thinking about the trouble she might get the family in if she disappeared, or was she thinking about something else? Might she have some regrets she wasn't willing to voice, or maybe someone she loved that she didn't want to leave behind? She never told me she loved someone else, but she never said she didn't either? Had she found someone who might be able to replace me in her heart? Her lips said no when I kissed her, but maybe, just maybe, it was too new of a love for her to be sure.

I continued to watch her, desperately wanting to know what she was thinking, I turned toward Carlisle as I said, _"In the interest of remaining__**inconspicuous**__, I suggest that we put this conversation off, at the very least until Bella finishes high school, and moves out of Charlie's house."_ If she would give me at least that amount of time, maybe I could find a way to help her change her mind.

I knew before he said it that Carlisle would agree to this suggestion.

"_That's a reasonable request, Bella."_

I saw her tighten her lips as she responded, _"I'll consider it."_

It was a beginning, and I decided I could accept that. At least I wouldn't have to watch her being changed tonight, or face Charlie's wrath when he discovered her missing, once again, when he woke up.

"_I should probably take you home,"_ I suggested without adding, 'before someone changes their mind.' Already Emmett was contemplating whether he could trust himself to change her just so it would be done and over. He also didn't seem to trust me. Jasper was relieved as much as Alice was that it wouldn't fall to her to change Bella. Not only had Alice panicked when Bella asked her to change her, but so had Jasper. Jasper would have wanted to stay to support Alice, but he knew the scent of the blood would be too much of a temptation for him.

In an attempt not to let Bella notice I was trying to leave as quickly as possible, I added, _"Just in case Charlie wakes up early."_

Before I could rush her out, she turned to Carlisle and asked, _"After graduation?"_ She was not about to give up, but then neither was I.

Carlisle, after warning, 'It is her choice Edward,' said, _"You have my word."_

She must have felt reassured for she took a deep breath before turning to me and say,_"Okay. You can take me home."_

I didn't wait for anymore encouragement, but rushed her out the back door before anyone else in the family could say anything. I also didn't hang around the house because I could hear a low growl erupting from Emmett as Esme tried to soothe him with words while Jasper attempted to use his power to calm him down. Emmett was definitely not happy about the television, but I promised myself I would order him another one as soon as possible and apologize to him for destroying this one. He had been so proud of his new acquisition when it arrived and all he talked about was what games and shows would be best seen on the huge screen.

I did not hesitate to get Bella home as quickly as possible for two reasons; first, if Emmett decided to come after me, I didn't want her in the way of his fallout, and second, I wanted her home in bed before Charlie woke up. She was in enough trouble with him already because of me, and I didn't want to be the cause of any more trouble between her and Charlie. I never meant to cause a rift between them; I understood how protective Charlie felt toward Bella even if he didn't protect her in the manner I thought necessary – he let her run around with werewolves. Of course, he also let her date a vampire before all this happened. At least I knew he was trying to keep the vampire out, but I bet he would welcome that smelly werewolf with open arms thinking he would be safer for her than me. I had to feel slightly sorry for Charlie; his daughter was running around with monsters as friends and he didn't even realize how dangerous **we** all were for her. I once referred to Bella as a danger magnet. It now seemed too mild a term. I began to wonder if there was a stronger more appropriate term for her attraction to and drawing in of anyone or anything that was hazardous or fatal to her fragile mortal life.


	25. Chapter 25 The Proposal

_**AN: Once again, all characters and dialog in italics belong to Stephenie Meyer.**_

_**I wish to thank everyone who has stayed with me through this story. I only have two chapters left, and then this story will be finished. Thank you all for the kind and encouraging reviews. There were a few times when I tempted to give up on this story because of how hard it became to write and because there appeared to be a lack of interest in the story. I kept at it though because of the reviews I did receive, though they might have been few on some chapters, each one encouraged me to go further, so my thanks again to those who took the time to review.**_

**Chapter 25 – The Proposal**

I had Bella half way home when I heard Emmett's roar of rage over the television, and his indubitable warning, "If you know what's good for you, you won't come home."

I wasn't about to respond with Bella on my back nor would I tell her what I heard. Instead, I enjoyed the warmth that flowed off her body as she clung tightly to me and concentrated on finding a way to stall her change. I had worked out the solution to the television even before we left the house, but Bella's decision and Carlisle's promise would take more time to find a workable way around.

I had to find something Bella wanted more than being changed. 'Good luck,' my mind taunted me. I knew she wanted to stay with me and that wasn't a problem because I had no intention of letting her go. Now that I knew she loved me, I was going to be a permanent fixture in her life. Of course, Charlie was not going to be happy with that idea, but I would find a way to win him over. If only he realized how much I truly loved his daughter; that his daughter was the only person I ever loved or ever would love. For me, there was no maybe or if; the love I felt for her was permanent and it would never change. Of course, there would be limits with her as a human, but I could accept that, for now. But how to get her to accept that and to delay what might be inevitable that was what I had to find an answer for.

It was truthful to say my mind tried a multitude of rational options to present to Bella, but Bella didn't seem open to rational ideas lately. If she had been, she wouldn't have turned to 'extreme sports' as a way to stay connected to me, or to hear my voice yelling at her.

I finally decided rational options were out and I would have to look for something less logical, maybe something more down to earth and simple, but as we neared her house, I was no closer to coming up with a workable option as I had been when Carlisle had made the promise to change her after graduation. Graduation! That was just too soon; I wasn't ready for this. There were too many human experiences Bella would miss, too many that still awaited her, the nearest of which was college or finding out she could love someone other than me.

What if I agreed to allow the change to occur and then she discovered someone she loved more than me? Could I accept that, and more importantly, would Bella hate me for not finding some way to delay her change and for ruining her chance at happiness and a normal life? Normal? That word would have made me laugh at a less serious time. 'What about Bella,' I asked myself, 'had ever been normal? Could Bella survive a normal life? Would Bella be happy with a normal life?'

Maybe the one thing I hated the most about being a vampire was the fact that my mind worked over time on thinking about everything there was to think about. It was too bad that, with all the excessive thinking I did, I couldn't find a solution to the problem that faced me.

As I reached Bella's house, I didn't bother to slow down as I reached her wall and scaled it. As we entered her room, I disengaged her arms from around my neck and gently sat her down on her bed. I began pacing as I continued to think of some way to stall the event that was going to happen after graduation. I kept asking myself, 'What would she want more than being changed by Carlisle?' and then I asked it once again.

From her bed, Bella calmly commented, _"Whatever you're planning, it's not going to work."_

"_Shh, I'm thinking," _I replied as I once again asked myself 'What would she want more than being changed by Carlisle?'

I heard her groan as she threw herself backwards on the bed and then promptly pulled the quilt over her beautiful but frustrated face. I instantly moved to her side. I didn't want her hidden from my sight. I had waited too long to look upon her lovely face to have her hide it from me now. I felt a slow ache creeping into my heart as I realized she was hiding herself from me. I didn't want her to ever feel like she couldn't or didn't want to look my way. I definitely didn't want to miss anymore time not being able to see her precious face. Even if she was disgusted with me, I wanted to look upon her loveliness and to watch her changing expressions. Besides, the only way I had of telling what she might be thinking or feeling was to watch her expression; her mind might be totally closed off to me, but I was darned if I would allow her to hide her decipherable face from me.

I quickly pulled the covers back to discover what she might be thinking or feeling, and then naturally took my place beside her on the bed. I felt this was my rightful place and I never wanted to relinquish it ever again. I had honestly missed lying next to her while we had been apart. Seeing her hair partially hiding her exquisite face, I gently pushed it aside.

"_If you don't mind,"_ I softly informed her, "_I'd much rather you didn't hide your face. I've lived without it for as long as I can stand."_ While I spoke I also realized that if I wanted to know what she wanted, I should just ask her. _"Now . . ."_ I hesitated only momentarily as I wondered if she would answer my question, _"tell me something."_

I wasn't sure if she would answer my questions as she replied, _"What?" _as if she was unwilling to share some answer with me.

I decided I needed to ask this in such a way that she would be willing to answer the question without feeling like I was pushing her in some way. So, choosing my words carefully, I asked, _"If you could have anything in the world, anything at all, what would it be?"_

I felt as if she didn't completely comprehend my question because she simply responded, _"You."_

I shook my head realizing she didn't understand that I was referring to Carlisle's promise, I replied, _"Something you don't already have."_

Besides, whether she believed it or not, she was now stuck with me because I had no wish to ever leave her again. My overpowering obsession was to stay with her forever, so whether she knew it or not, I was on the verge of giving her what she desired. I didn't intend to lose her or have her lose me, so there was no possibility of her not having me. Even if she finally decided she didn't want me, she still would never totally be rid of me. She might discover that she could survive without me in her life, but I had ultimately discovered that I could no longer survive without her as part of my existence. No, she need never fear that she might lose me again, I would be a permanent a part of her life as the moon was a permanent part of the night, and as constant as the sun rising in the east every morning.

I watched her adorable face as it worked more carefully through my questions. The way her expression shifted and changed as she thought made me crave a peek into the inner workings of her thoughts, but it was something I knew I would never achieve. Finally, she parted her delicious lips as she made her reply.

"_I would want . . ."_ I waited as her eyes locked on mine, _"Carlisle not to have to do it. I would want you to change me."_

'Something to bargain for,' I thought quickly and then asked, _"What would you be willing to trade for that?" _ Maybe, I thought, just maybe I could find a way to stall this long enough for her to know what she really wanted in life.

Disbelief flashed in her eyes and without any hesitation she replied, _"Anything."_

I fought the smile that twitched at my lips trying not to show my copious pleasure of her answer as I offered, _"Five years?" _ Plenty of time, I thought, for her to discover what she would really be sacrificing if she became a vampire.

The expressions that manifested themselves in her face warned me I would not be so lucky as to receive an instantaneous yes.

To help her not lash out at my request, I reminded her, _"You said anything."_

"_Yes, but . . . you'll use the time to find a way out of it. I have to strike while the iron is hot. Besides, it's just too dangerous to be human – for me, at least. So, anything but __**that**__."_

In all honesty, I did have to admit that she had a point about the danger of being human, for her anyway. The time span I offered wasn't agreeable to her so I asked for what I considered the next best, _"Three years?"_

Bella's paused slightly, but I was sure she wasn't going to agree, so I waited for her offer.

"_Six months?"_ she countered.

It wasn't enough time for her to learn what she would be losing, so I replied, _"Not good enough."_

Very determined she said, _"One year, then. That's my limit."_

"_At least give me two_." I still pushed for a longer span.

"_No way. Nineteen I'll do. But I'm not going anywhere __**near**__ twenty. If you're staying in your teens forever, then so am I."_

This hadn't worked out like I hoped, so I gave myself a little time to ponder what it was I was really hoping for. It wasn't that I wanted to drive her away. In fact, I wanted to be sure she was willing to stay with me after she had been changed. I honestly didn't ever want to lose her. I was willing to bind myself to her forever, but did she want that as well. Then I realized what it was that I really wanted – to be bound forever, like Alice and Jasper, or Emmett and Rosalie. I wanted Bella to be mine and only mine; I wanted her as my wife, so that was what I would ask of her, a commitment that would tie us together forever.

"_All right,"_ I started, _"Forget time limits. If you want me to be the one – then you'll have to meet one condition."_ I thought, 'this should be easy. What girl doesn't want to marry the one she loves?'

"_Condition?"_ Bella seemed unsure of wanting to agree; her tone was even and gave away nothing of her feelings. _"What condition?"_

'Would she understand why I was asking this?' I wondered. 'Did she love me enough to really tie herself to me forever?' I was suddenly unsure of her response so I offered myself hesitantly, _"Marry me first."_

She made no reply, but just stared at me like she was expecting something more. Finally she asked, _"Okay. What's the punch line?"_

She thought I was joking. Didn't she know I wouldn't joke about something this serious? Maybe she didn't really love me like that; maybe I had been right all along and her feelings were not as strong or permanent as mine. My heart sank at the thought.

Maybe, I sighed, she just thought I wasn't serious so I said, _"You're wounding my ego, Bella. I just proposed to you, and you think it is a joke."_ More than anything, I didn't want it to be because she didn't love me enough to marry me.

"_Edward, please be serious."_

If she only knew how serious I really was; when the thought first came to me I easily saw her dressed in white with her lovely dark hair framing her face. I knew whatever dress Alice would choose for her would absolutely highlight Bella's best features. And then my mind flashed to the wedding night and I realized would have problems moving away from the idea of intimacy with Bella. I could not tell her what I had been envisioning, but maybe I could prove my honest desire for this event with words. _"I am one hundred percent serious,"_ I said as I stared longingly at her with my heart open and my mind serious about what I was asking.

"_Oh, c'mon, I'm only eighteen."_ She sounded as if this were too serious for her.

'But what had she expected?' I wondered. Changing her was as serious and permanent as anything could get; did she honestly think I would change her and not marry her? I wanted to grab her and shake her and say 'but if I change you now you will always be eighteen' and then ask, 'does that mean you will never want to marry me?' Instead, I remained calm and tried to keep my voice light as I replied, _"Well, I'm nearly a hundred and ten. It's time I settled down."_

Bella turned away from me before she said, _"Look, marriage isn't exactly that high on my list of priorities, you know? It was sort of the kiss of death for Renée and Charlie."_

I could have laughed at the comparison. She wanted – literally – a kiss of death from me, and yet she saw marriage in the same light. The only difference between her parents and I was that I would never love her any less if we were married.

"_Interesting choice of words,"_ I stated.

"_You know what I mean."_

This was really making her uncomfortable, and it made me wonder, once again, if maybe she didn't love me enough to make such a commitment. I took a deep breath before I said, _"Please don't tell me that you're afraid of commitment."_

"_That's not it exactly," _she began and then paused._ "I'm . . . afraid of Renée. She has some really intense opinions on getting married before you're thirty."_

And what exactly, I wondered, would her mother say about Bella's alternative choice for her future. _"Because she'd rather you became one of the eternal dammed than get married,"_ I commented.

"_You think you're joking." _

I realized she was serious about what she was saying. I had to find out if she really was determined not to marry me now or ever. _"Bella, if you compare the level of commitment between a martial union as opposed to bartering your soul in exchange for an eternity as a vampire . . ."_ I could only shake my head in disbelief before commenting, _"If you're not brave enough to marry me, then –"_

"_Well,"_ she stopped me in mid-comment. _"What if I did? What if I told you to take me to Vegas now? Would I be a vampire in three days?"_

She was challenging my sincerity, and I was determined to prove to her I was serious. If this was what it would take, I would carry through with the plan, but I wasn't sure if she would willingly go along with the idea, so I replied, _"Sure, I'll get my car."_ Of course, Alice wouldn't be happy with an elopement.

Under her breath, she muttered, _"Dammit."_ I had called her bluff and she knew it. _"I'll give you eighteen months."_

Time was of little interest to me at the moment. I liked the idea of being married to Bella; she would be mine and there would no longer be any threat that someone would come along and steal her from me, and the best part would be allowing myself to complete all the fantasies I've had about our relationship because I would no long have the fear of breaking her. _"No deal,"_ I said, smiling as I relished the thought of her being Mrs. Edward Cullen. _"I like __**this**__ condition."_

She dealt me a blow by throwing out her wild card. _"Fine, I'll have Carlisle do it when I graduate."_

It was a low blow in my opinion, but then I wondered if she were really willing to give up the one thing she said she really wanted. I tested her by pretending it didn't matter as I shrugged my shoulders and replied, _"If that's what you really want."_

Bella emitted a slight groan as she said, _"You're impossible. A monster."_

I didn't think she really meant that, but the truth lay within me because buried deeply was a monster, a monster who still craved her blood, but sometimes not as much as the man within me craved her. I laughed as I asked, _"Is that why you won't marry me?"_

Her response was another groan.

The idea of being married to the love of my life, my one and only soul mate, was an extremely pleasant feeling, yet she was rejecting my proposal. A proposal I meant with my whole heart; I was in earnest as I leaned forward staring deeply into her eyes as I pleaded, _"__**Please**__, Bella?"_

All she had to do was say yes, and I would have done anything for her. I watched her as her eyes glazed over, but then she shook her head and I knew I was being rejected yet again. Maybe I had gone about this all wrong, so I asked, _"Would this have gone better if I'd had time to get a ring?"_

Her response startled me. In a near shout she replied, _"No! No rings!"_

It was enough of a shout to rouse Charlie from his sleep. _"Now you've done it,"_ I softy warned her.

"_Oops."_

"_Charlie's getting up; I'd better leave." _ I knew he would be irate if he found me in Bella's room, and I couldn't have told him I had followed his orders and not stepped foot through his front door. There would be no way to explain how I had been able to come through Bella's bedroom window without letting him know there was something unusual about me.

I also noticed my comment caused Bella's heart to pause momentarily. I instantly knew she was afraid I'd leave and not come back. Her reaction actually encouraged me after her rejection. Being rejected made me feel as if it were possible that she didn't want me around, but her reaction to my leaving was a reassurance that she did want me around, so I offered an alternative. _"Would it be childish of me to hide in your closet, then?"_

Her eagerness pleased me._ "No – stay. Please."_ She wanted me if she refused my proposal.

I smiled lovingly at her just before I disappeared into her closet. Her closet was rather cluttered and I bumped into a sack off to the side and wondered what was in it. I decided I would have to ask her about it later, but for now I could hear Charlie's worried concerns about Bella and the shouting he had heard. His thoughts went back to earlier when he would be aroused in the night by her screams and cries, and he was afraid they had begun again because of my return. He also feared a return of her other state when I left again. I wanted to reassure him that there was no way I would ever leave his daughter a second time, but now was not the time to make my presence known.

I heard Charlie slowly opening Bella's door.

"_Morning, Dad."_

Charlie was surprised to find her awake and embarrassed at the same time. _"Oh, hey, Bella. I didn't know you were awake."_

Bella's voice remained calm, and it would have been hard for Charlie to discern from her voice that she had just been conversing with anyone she shouldn't have been. _"Yeah. I've just been waiting for you to wake up so I could take a shower."_ I heard her moving around, so she must have been getting up from her bed.

"_Hold on,"_ Charlie stated as the light went on in the room. His thoughts were all concerns about her welfare and a fear that there would be a repeat of the trauma she suffered last fall when I left her, except in his mind it was a desertion and a betrayal. _"Let's talk for a minute first." _ From his thoughts, I knew his first concern was her well-being. _"You know you're in trouble."_

I could tell it was more a statement rather than a question from the tone of his voice. He was also reminding himself not to yell, but to be patient and to allow her to tell him herself what had happened.

"_Yeah, I know."_

"_I just about went crazy these last three days."_ His thoughts became a jumble of the conversations and phone calls trying to find where she had gone_. "I come home from Harry's __**funeral**__, and you're gone. Jacob could only tell me that you'd run off with Alice Cullen, and that he thought you were in trouble. You didn't leave me a number, and you didn't call. I didn't know where you were or when – or if – you were coming back."_

His last comment caused him to remember his concern that she might be hurt, or even worse, lying dead somewhere and he wouldn't ever be able to find her. I experienced the panic he felt when he realized he had no way to locate her; his first reaction was to post a missing person report, but he finally decided to wait a few days before taking such a drastic step. He had hoped she would at least call him and explain where she was, but she never did, and then, when she finally arrived home, she was with the last person he would ever again welcome into his home.

"_Do you have any idea how . . . how . . ."_

His deep concern stopped him from finishing what he wanted to say. It had hurt him deeply to think he had lost her forever. This was how he would feel when he did lose her, for that is what would really occur when she was changed. He would never be able to see her after the change; he could never again know that his daughter was still existing but not human. Did Bella, I wondered, truly comprehend how much this would hurt him when she was really gone?

"_Can you give me one reason,"_ he began again, _"why I shouldn't ship you off to Jacksonville this second?"_

He didn't really want to send her anywhere, but he was offering her the opportunity to assure him that she wouldn't do this again, and he was hoping she would inform him that she was through with me forever. He would have no luck with his second hope; the fact that Bella preferred me hiding in the closet rather than leaving her room was evidence enough for me that she would not send me away because of anything her father said.

The determination was very evident in Bella's voice as she replied, _"Because I won't go."_

"_Now just a minute, young lady –"_ Charlie's mind was shocked at her blunt refusal to do as he said. He tried calming himself by reminding himself that he was still her father and the parent in this relationship.

Her interruption of him also caused him some concern because he suddenly remembered last fall when he tried to send her to Florida with her mom. He had a clear image of Bella screaming and throwing her clothes around her room and then finally breaking down into heart wrenching sobs. The vision was so graphic of Bella pain that it caused my heart to ache knowing I was the cause of the scene that just played through Charlie's memory.

"_Look, Dad, I accept complete responsibility for my actions, and you have the right to ground me for as long as you want."_

Charlie's thoughts were bolstered by the fact that she was at least willing to admit what she did was wrong.

"_I will also do all the chores and laundry and dishes until you think I've learned my lesson. And I guess you're within your rights if you want to kick me out, too – but that won't make me go to Florida."_

Charlie was mentally patting himself on the back until Bella mentioned him 'kicking her out,' and was extremely disturbed when she said she still wouldn't go to Florida. He wanted to ask just where she thought she would go, but he was also afraid of the answer he would receive.

I heard Charlie's breathing becoming deeper, and he was reminding himself that it would not help matters if this turned into a yelling match. He knew that once Bella had made up her mind she wouldn't change it. He reminded himself of how constant she was. 'Once determined, always determined,' he mentally stated.

Once he felt he was calm enough to continue, he asked, _"Would you like to explain where you've been?"_

It was the one question Bella had asked me and we hadn't talked about. I don't think either of us realized she would need to come up with a story this soon.

Bella stumbled along as she said, _"There was . . . an emergency."_

I had to refrain from laughing as I thought, 'Some emergency. I was bent on killing myself because I thought she was dead and she had to risk her life to stop me from doing something stupid.'

I heard her breathe out heavily just before she continued, _"I don't know what to tell you, Dad. It was mostly a misunderstanding. He said, she said. It got out of hand."_

I could concur with that. It expanded way out of hand because I believed Rose and then heard Charlie was at a funeral and jumped to the conclusion it had to be Bella's without taking time to confirm any of it. I should have called Alice when this all began. I should have done a lot of things differently beginning with – I should never have left in the first place. All water over the dam now, and poor Bella was struggling to tell her father what she could without telling him she endangered her life to save mine.

Bella stated again, _"See, Alice told Rosalie about me jumping off the cliff . . ."_

I instantly knew that was a mistake. Charlie's mind went into immediate shock and could only repeat 'jumping off the cliff.' It was all that would register for him.

Bella's slight pause, I figured, must have been caused by something she saw in Charlie's face, but she finally choked out, _"I guess I didn't tell you about that. It was nothing. Just messing around, swimming with Jake."_

She was making a valiant effort to rectify her mistake, I thought, but Charlie's mind was still wrapped tightly around the phrase 'jumping off the cliff.'

Bella began speaking faster as she added, _"Anyway, Rosalie told Edward, and he was upset. She sort of accidentally made it sound like I was trying to kill myself or something. He wouldn't answer his phone, so Alice dragged me to . . . L.A., to explain in person."_

Bella could have stopped speaking after the comment 'kill myself' because Charlie stopped listening. Between 'jumping off the cliff' and 'kill myself,' all he could muster was the fact that Bella had been trying to end the pain she had been experiencing since I left. His thought caused a new ache of guilt to rip through me as I wondered had her pain been so unendurable that she might have seriously consider doing away with herself. Charlie and I, at that moment, were sharing the same concern that maybe jumping hadn't been an accident but a deliberate attempt at harming herself. I wanted to jump out of the closet and ask her just that, but Charlie's next comment stopped me.

"_**Were**__ you trying to kill yourself, Bella?"_ The concern was extremely evident in his voice.

I realized I stopped breathing as I awaited her reply. I thought Charlie would be the one person that she would be totally honest with, especially after hearing the concern and dread in his voice as he asked the question I had wanted to ask even as we sat in the waiting room of the Volturi.

"_No, of course not."_

It was a very determined and honest answer that I heard, and I found myself sighing with relief to know I hadn't caused her to make an attempt on her life.

"_Just having fun with Jake. Cliff diving. The La Push kids do it all the time. Like I said, nothing."_

Charlie, for his part, didn't think it was nothing. He realized these kids had grown up cliff diving, but for Bella it had been something she had never done before. For an instant, Charlie's anger turned on Jake for allowing his daughter to partake in something that was so dangerous for her. 'Even if he didn't think it was dangerous, Jake should have known better,' he thought, 'than to allow Bella to attempt something she had no prior experience doing.' Then his mind flew back to me, as he wondered why any of that should have concerned me. I was the callous one, to him, who had deserted his daughter in the woods and caused the men of Forks to go out searching for her.

This was news to me since I had left her on the edge of the woods within sight of her house. How she had ended up lost in the woods was a mystery to me.

I was brought back to the present as Charlie shouted, _"What's it to Edward Cullen anyway? All this time, he's just left you dangling without a word –"_

Bella interrupted him yet again. _"Another misunderstanding."_

If only, I thought.

His mind darkened at the prospect as he asked, _"So is he back then?"_

"_I'm not sure what the exact plan is. I __**think**__ they all are."_

She was right, we were all back, and I wasn't ever leaving her again.

But Charlie's thoughts turned in the other directions. His one wish was that I would disappear off the face of the earth and never see Bella again.

"_I want you to stay away from him, Bella. I don't trust him. He's rotten for you. I won't let him mess you up like that again."_

And his mind was once again envisioning Bella as she lay unmoving on her bed with tears streaming down her face and a vacant look in her eyes. Even from the memory he had of that time, it looked like Bella was a hollow pale shell, and I felt Charlie's pain as he stared at her knowing there was nothing he could do to help her. His next memory was of being awoken in the night hearing her agonizing screams ripping through the silence of the night. Once again, I felt his pain of not being able to ease Bella's suffering. It was no wonder he hated me and claimed I was not good for her. If his memories were correct, then I caused her nothing but severe heartache and sorrow.

Guilt at what I caused her overwhelmed me. She should never have forgiven me for causing her such pain. I would never forgive myself for harming her. I never realized my leaving would hurt her so much. All I had wanted was to do what was best for her, to make things better for her; it had seemed so right at the time. How little we seem to realize that sometimes what appears best ends up being extremely wrong, and then, to top it all off, instead of being safer, she made friends with a werewolf.

Bella brought us both out of past memories as she curtly replied, _"Fine."_

Charlie's first reaction was joy as he thought she was agreeing with him, and my first reaction was a stabbing pain of fear about losing her once again because of Charlie's anger.

"_Oh," _he said in a relieved tone. _"I thought you were going to be difficult."_

"_I am. I meant, 'Fine, I'll move out.'"_

Her words caused relief for me but distress, this time, for Charlie. I didn't want her to end up in a fight with her father over me. I had hoped it wouldn't come to a battle between the two of them, but at this point, it seemed they were both as determined to win this argument.

In a softer tone, Bella continued, _"Dad, I don't want to move out. I love you. I know you're worried, but you need to trust me on this. And you're going to have to ease up on Edward if you want me to stay. Do you want me to live here or not?"_

Charlie realized Bella was serious about what she was saying, and she was determined to make a point of her feelings. He had hoped her feelings would shift from me to Jacob when they had begun to spend so much time together. He felt she was safer with Jacob Black. If he only knew what Jacob Black was, and how unstable he could be, he might realize that in all truthfulness, she was safer with me because I had better control of what I was than Jacob had of what he was. I had to feel sorry for Charlie because there was so much being hidden from him by Bella and by Jacob and me. If he knew the truth about both of us, would he choose either of us as a safe escort for his daughter, let alone a safe boyfriend?

Charlie focused on the fact that Bella had handed him an ultimatum and it didn't make him happy, so he replied, _"That's not fair, Bella. You know I want you to stay."_

"_Then be nice to Edward, because he's going to be where I am."_ Her voice was confident and strong; maybe she was finally accepting the entire truth that I would never leave her again.

"_Not under my roof,"_ Charlie bellowed, and he really meant that. If it were totally up to him, I would never set foot in his house again, I would never be allowed around his daughter again, and I would be run out of town by the good people of Forks because I had so seriously hurt his only daughter.

"_Look,"_ Bella sighed and retained some of the composure of calm in her voice, _"I'm not going to give you any more ultimatums tonight - or I guess it's this morning. Just think about it for a few days, okay? But keep in mind that Edward and I are sort of a package deal."_

I wanted to add, locked at the heart.

"_Bella –"_ It was almost a plea on his part, but she cut him off.

"_Think it over,"_ she stressed. _"And while you're doing that, could you give me some privacy? I really need a shower."_

Charlie was not happy and he stressed his feelings by slamming the door as he left and muttered under his breath how he would not happily welcome me back into his home, and if I did one thing to hurt his daughter, he would physically throw me out the front door.

I exited the closet the moment I heard him stomping furiously down the stairs, and still fuming mentally about what Bella had said about her and me. His last thought before I stopped focusing on them was, 'Renée is going to kill me. How am I ever going to be able to tell her that Bella is seeing that boy who broke her heart last fall?'

I was already in the rocking chair as I watched Bella throw back the quilt. I watched her and admired her beauty and her grace.

So Charlie wouldn't hear, she whispered, _"Sorry about that."_

She had nothing to be sorry about. Charlie had made me aware of just how much pain I had caused her. _"It's not as if I don't deserve far worse."_ In fact, if she were to admit the truth, we would both agree I deserved much more berating and pain for what I had put her and Charlie through these last few months. _"Don't start anything with Charlie over me, please."_

Still barely above a whisper, Bella replied, "_Don't worry about it,"_ as she gathered up her necessities for the bathroom. _"I will start exactly as much as is necessary, and not more than that. Or are you trying to tell me I have nowhere to go?"_ She turned to me with a mock look of shock on her face.

It would be useless for me not to say yes because just about everyone else would welcome her with open arms, and honestly, I would also. Besides, it would be dangerous for her to go anywhere else; I was _not_ letting her take up residence on the La Push side of the line. But I could not help but ask, _"You'd move in with a house full of vampires?"_ knowing darn well she would and she wouldn't think twice about that fact.

"_That's probably the safest place for someone like me. Besides . . ."_ she gave me a huge smile, _"If Charlie kicks me out, then there's no need for a graduation deadline, is there?"_

She would think of something like that, and it didn't make me the least bit happy. _"So eager for eternal damnation,"_ I mumbled under my breath, but she heard me.

"_You know you don't really believe that."_

Her comment surprised me. I had told her how I saw our time after we ceased to exist, so how could she claim I didn't believe it. _"Oh, don't I?"_ I shot back so as to remind her of my opinion.

"_No. You don't,"_ she replied with conviction.

I wasn't sure where her conviction came from, so I only glared at her, and just before I could utter anything about my feelings, she cut me off.

"_If you really believed that you'd lost your soul, then when I found you in Volterra, you would have realized immediately what was happening, instead of thinking we were both dead together. But you didn't – you said, 'Amazing. Carlisle was right.' There's hope in you, after all,"_ she finished with a smile.

She was right, I realized. The instant I had wrapped my arms around her, I thought I was in heaven and looking upon the face of the angel I loved and thought I had lost forever. There was no argument I could make to refute what she had just said because she spoke the absolute truth.

Then she added, _"So let's both just be hopeful, all right? Not that it matters. If you stay, I don't need heaven."_

She was right. As long as I was with her, I was in heaven. She was my angel and she made anywhere that we were together heaven. I got up from the chair, walked over to her, and put my hands on either side of her angelic face. Looking deeply into her lovely bottomless brown eyes, I vowed, _"Forever."_

She replied, _"That's all I'm asking for,"_ and then stretched up on her toes to press her warm lusciously sweet lips against my cold but welcoming ones. Her kiss tasted of her sweetness and love, and it reminded me of everything I loved about her. I would have continued the kiss, but relinquished her lips so she could take the shower she actually needed, but I dwelt on all the renewed feelings after she left, and contemplated what it would have been like if she had said yes to marry me and just what rewards I would have received from her afterwards. I felt the smile left by her kiss widen as visions of pleasurable future possibilities played across my actively fertile mind.

17


	26. Chapter 26 Nothing Is Normal

**AN: As always, these characters, the story, and the dialog in italics all belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**Next, I wish to thank everyone who so kindly took the time to post a review for the last chapter. I was overwhelmed when I opened my email account and found 10 reviews posted so quickly after the chapter was posted. A big THANK you to everyone who posted, I really appreciate the support. Finally, there is only one more chapter after this, and then this story is completed. Thanks everyone for the support while I under took this labor of love**

**Chapter 26 – Nothing is Ever Normal**

I may have found myself rejected by Bella, but when I finally got home, Alice informed me that there would be a wedding because she had seen it. It was nice to know, but I decided I would believe the truth of this particular vision when Bella finally said yes.

Besides, what Alice had seen about that bit of the future wasn't what I was most interested in obtaining from her. What I really wanted to know was what she had held back from all of us concerning Bella and her flight over to Italy. Bella had asked if Alice had told the family everything that had happened in Volterra, and then she asked if she had shared everything that had happened on the way over. Verbally Alice had said, "That, too," but nonverbally she had added 'almost.' I had to know what the 'almost' meant.

Once cornered on that specific comment, Alice inadvertently remembered what she had seen but not shared about Bella. The vision had been caused by a decision Bella had made sitting on the plane; if she would have been too late to save me, she would have given herself up to the Volturi to be killed. She had no intensions of going back to Forks without me.

Once I gathered all the information from Alice, she tried to assure me that she would have done everything in her power to have taken Bella, forcibly if necessary, back home. Two thoughts came to mind as soon as Alice had said that; one, Bella would have found a way to escape Alice as she had in Phoenix and have carried out her plan. Knowing Bella, she was stubborn enough to have done just that especially since she had already made up her mind to do it. Second, I was relieved we never had to find out if Bella would have succeed in her plan because she wasn't too late and she did save me, and she saved me in more ways than she will ever be able to comprehend.

In fact, having Bella back in my sphere of existence was beyond words. I no longer felt like crawling in a hole and hiding while days passed me by or finding a way to extinguish my existence; instead, I felt immersed in life because of being around Bella. Of course, our time together was somewhat curtailed due to her being grounded, and I wasn't a welcome visitor from Charlie's point of view, but at least he tolerated me for Bella's sake.

The last thing Charlie wanted was for her to move out. He kept reminding himself that as long as she was under his roof, he could watch out for her and try to protect her from me. He also harbored a hope that Bella would resume her relationship with Jacob Black, but I knew, because Bella mentioned him quite often at first, that he was not taking her phone calls and it was upsetting her.

The fact that Jacob chose not to speak to Bella pleased and upset me. I was pleased because this was a relationship I did not want Bella to resume. Young werewolves were so unpredictable and volatile that it scared me for Bella to be around him, especially since I wouldn't be there to protect her. My major fear lately was of losing Bella, not because she would leave me but because she would be seriously hurt while I wasn't around to protect her. It was bad enough that she was so darn fragile as a human, but the fact that she was a walking hazard zone added to the risk of injury every time she moved.

I was also pleased that her relationship with young Jacob Black hadn't resumed because I was afraid of losing her to him. I wasn't sure how strong the relationship had been, or on what level it had been, although she had assured me numerous times that they had only been friends, but the fact that she mentioned him often seemed to indicate more than just a causal friendship to me, and I knew Bella didn't like turning her back on a friend. Of course, in this case, I wanted to point out that he had turned his back on her and maybe it was better for her if the friendship ceased. Fortunately, I was wise enough not to share this particular thought with her; it would only have upset and offended her. Bella was loyal to those she cared for even if they didn't seem to return the same level of loyalty or consideration that she showed them.

It seemed that things easily slipped back into a natural order. Carlisle had his old job back, Alice and I had returned to school, and I was even able to keep my same schedule. That had not been a hard task; it wasn't like someone new had taken my space in any of the classes, and a few pleasant smiles eased over any objections that might have been made. I might not have been a welcomed guest at Charlie's house, and he only grudgingly allowed me through his front door, but my school days were spent pleasantly orbiting around Bella. I think everyone in school commented, either verbally or nonverbally, about how much closer we were to each other now than before. Even when we sat in class together, we seemed to lean toward each other just like two magnetic forces that were drawn together. Even a few of the teachers took mental notes on our closeness, but did little to split us apart, for which I was grateful because it saved me the effort of trying to change their minds.

Weeks seemed to slip by easily, and as they did, Bella mentioned Jacob Black less often. I knew it wasn't because she had stopped trying to contact him. Charlie's mind kept me informed of that deteriorating relationship. He believed Bella wasn't speaking to Jacob because I was not allowing her to contact him, but prior to her silence about him to me, she constantly fumed because he would not take her calls or return her calls. It wasn't I who was interfering with their relationship; it was Jacob who seemed to be pushing Bella further away by ignoring her. I was happy about that; the further away she stayed from him and that pack of dogs, the more content I became. Although, I did feel sorry for Bella because she still held him in high esteem as a friend, but in my mind, if that was friendship, then she didn't need it.

I had come to recognize when Bella had tried contacting Jacob, not because she talked about it anymore, but because she would have a slight crease on her brow from frustration. I happily refrained from mentioning it or Jacob and tried to find ways to bring a smile back to her face.

One Saturday afternoon, while driving Bella home from work, she suddenly exclaimed, _"It's just plain rude! Downright insulting!"_

I knew when I picked her up from work that she was upset; her crease had been a little more defined, and on the drive home she only became more moody until she finally vented her pent up feeling. My guess was that she had once again tried to call the elusive Jacob Black and he once again refused to talk to her.

I knew I was right when she continued, _"Billy said he didn't __**want**__ to talk to me."_

Bella had turned away from me and was staring out the window. The rain made the window reflective, so I could see the pain and hurt of rejection in her eyes. All I could think was that it was a good thing there was a territorial line drawn that we were treaty bound not to cross, or I would have gladly driven straight to the Black house to punch Jacob in the face for hurting Bella so cruelly. Did he not care that his rejection was nearly causing her to cry?

"_That he was there, and wouldn't walk three steps to get to the phone!"_ she continued to rant. _"Usually Billy just says he's out or busy or sleeping or something. I mean, it's not like I didn't know he was lying to me, but at least it was a polite way to handle it. I guess Billy hates me now, too. It's not fair."_

Softly I replied, _"It's not you Bella. Nobody hates you."_

In truth, how could anyone hate her; she was always placing others before herself, and she was so forgiving. The fact that she had forgiven me so easily was never lost on me. I had watched Rosalie make Emmett grovel before she would forgive him; she could be cruel when she chose, but she did love Emmett more than I thought possible for her, but still she was not quick to forgive. Bella on the other hand was quick to forgive, so I was able to pity Emmett somewhat whenever he angered Rosalie. I was extremely thankful Bella not only looked like an angel, but she also had the heart of an angel. That a mangy dog could treat my angel with such disrespect upset me more than I would allow Bella to see, but there was also that part of me that celebrated the fact that he was pushing her out of his life and into my arms. I didn't want to share her with anyone, especially a smelly, unpredictable, easily irritated, unstable adolescent werewolf.

I saw Bella fold her arms across her chest as she muttered, _"Feels that way."_

My first instinct was to wrap my arms lovingly around her and show her just how much I cared and loved her, but she would not have appreciated the action since I was driving. My next thought was to tell her she couldn't expect anything better from a dog, but I knew she wouldn't appreciate the insult on her friend. Instead I offered her the safe answer, _"Jacob knows we're back, and I'm sure that he's ascertained that I'm with you."_ I smiled slightly as I thanked all the powers that be that she was with me and not with him. _"He won't come anywhere near me. The enmity is rooted too deeply."_ I was grateful for that fact; I did not trust him to be around my Bella. She was safe, and I planned to keep her that way.

"_That's stupid. He knows you're not . . . like other vampires." _I noticed the stubborn set to her chin and it only made me want to reach out, cup her face in my hands, and kiss the tension from her face.

I managed to resist that pleasant urge and instead offered, _"There's still good reason to keep a safe distance."_

She was still staring out the window, but her profile was enough that I knew his rejection had hurt her, and for that I was not grateful. If only I could make her see it was better this way. She was safer away from him and I didn't want her coming between the pack and my family if ever anything caused a serious rift between us, like changing Bella. I knew we would have to go elsewhere for the actual change because to stay here would break the treaty between us. Despite the fact that Jacob Black had broken their side of the treaty by telling Bella about us, it wasn't something any of my family had wanted to start a war over. Besides, Carlisle refused to be the cause of any bloodshed between us just because a teenager had wanted to impress a girl – or at least that was what he said. For my part, if the treaty helped keep Bella human longer, I was all for following its restrictions and limitations, but I was also thankful that Bella didn't know about the details of the treaty. If she had, she would have said something about it before now.

To try and help her accept what was truth, I commented, _"Bella, we are what we are. I can control myself, but I doubt he can. He's very young. It would most likely turn into a fight, and I don't know if I could stop it before I k --"_ I suddenly realized I had almost said the wrong thing. I sensed her tensing up as I had spoken, so to calm her a little I quickly altered my comment by adding, _"Before I hurt him. You would be unhappy. I don't want that to happen."_

And I really didn't want to hurt her by killing her friend, but with his lack of control, I knew it could easily happen, and if she were anywhere near at the time, I would do everything necessary to keep her safe from him and me. I stopped for a red light as I realized my comment had only caused Bella to tense up even more. It was another one of those moments when I regretted the fact that I could not hear her thoughts. The look of pain that flashed across her face was one I wanted to know the reason for. Was it because of what I had said, or was it because of something she was remembering or thinking? I had no way of knowing unless she chose to tell me.

Bella softly whispered, _"Edward Cullen, were you about to say '__**killed**__ him'? Were you?"_

The pain in her voice cut through me. I reminded myself, yet again, that I would have to be extremely careful about what I said about Jacob Black in front of her. Much as I disliked him, he had become a part of her life and I had to learn to accept that. I didn't want to push her away like he was doing by rejecting her calls. I knew my aversion to him could also slowly push her away if I was not careful; the problem was I didn't trust him around her. I knew how hard it was for young ones to control themselves. It took a lot of willpower, determination, and time to gain complete control, and even then, in adverse situations, that control could snap, and for Bella, all it would take would be one minor slip and she could be seriously, if not mortally, harmed.

The light had finally changed, so I started forward slowly forming my words carefully so as not to offend Bella any more than I had.

I formed my words so as to reassure her as much as possible, _"I would try . . . very hard"_ I added for emphasis, _"not to do that."_

I kept my eyes focused forward on the road, I didn't want to see the disappointment or hurt that might be reflected in her eyes, but out of the corner of my eye I couldn't miss the frown that pulled her lovely lips downward. I hadn't meant to upset her, but I also recognized the truth of this particular situation. We were natural enemies, and although I would be able to refrain from killing him, I couldn't say the same for him. Newborns, of any kind, seemed to have the hardest control over their inborn instincts. It took time and a tremendous amount of willpower to bring those natural urges under control. It was another reason why I was not looking forward to Bella being changed; I didn't think she would welcome the growing continual urges or the struggle that would come with trying to control them. It could be compared to sitting on a tiger's back and trying to thwart him from throwing you off and devouring you.

She regained my attention as she took a deep breath and then shook her head as though she were trying to clear it of some thought or mental image. Then she said, _"Well, nothing like that is ever going to happen, so there's no reason to worry about it."_ She seems sure but not entirely so. I hoped I would be able to live up to her expectations from my position if nothing else. Anything I could do to ease her burden and make her happy was my goal. _"And you know,"_ she added, _"Charlie's staring at the clock right now. You'd better get me home before I get in more trouble for being late."_ She turned slightly to look at me, but I noticed her smile was unenthusiastic.

'My poor Bella,' I thought as I heard her heart speed up. I knew this was hard for her, and the fact that Charlie was so strict about the time issue made it even harder. Anytime she was late, he semi-demanded an explanation for her tardiness. It was at these times that I missed living in a metropolitan area. At least then she could have used heavy traffic as the reason for being late. It was unfortunate that Forks was so small. Here, a major accident would be the only reason traffic might be slowed down, and in that case, Charlie would have been called to the scene.

As we neared Bella's house, I instantly frowned. Charlie was more than normally upset, and it wasn't because we were a few minutes late. No, something major had happened, but it wasn't an accident. All his thoughts were focused on imprisoning Bella in the house and never letting her step foot out the door again. It took a little searching to find the reason for his anger, but then I saw it in his mind, a shiny red motorcycle. I scanned the area in front of me and quickly found the offending vehicle. It wasn't a bad looking motorcycle, but Charlie's thoughts were of throwing it off a cliff or crushing it to smithereens, and since it actually presented a danger to Bella I couldn't totally object to his idea. My poor Bella, however, was in deeper hot water with Charlie than ever before.

"_You're already in more trouble, Bella,"_ I cautioned her.

Bella slid across the seat and clutched my arm, and I felt her stiffen in panic. Then she asked with a slight tremor, _"What? What is it?"_

I took a deep breath before I replied, _"Charlie . . ."_

Before I could utter anything else she screeched, _"My dad?"_ as if she had been expecting more.

To help ease her panic, I looked calmly down at her to show her there was nothing to fear, at least not much.

"_Charlie . . . is probably __**not**__ going to kill you, but he's thinking about it."_ One of his solutions had been to throw Bella over the cliff with the motorcycle, but that thought caused him a lot of guilt for which I was glad because that was one solution I would definitely have prevented from happening. Of course, there were a few moments when he wanted to blame this all on me, but then he realized he couldn't and that seemed to anger him even more.

As I drove down her street, I caught the thoughts of Jacob Black and knew we would have to talk before I took Bella home, so I passed her house and parked near the edge of the trees.

In a panic, Bella asked, _"What did I do?"_

I looked back at her house where the offending vehicle sat in the drive way; I felt her turn as well and then tensed up again probably because she too saw the red motorcycle parked in the driveway next to her father's cruiser.

"_No!"_ she uttered. _"__**Why**__? Why would Jacob do this to me?"_

I knew Jacob was waiting for me near the forest. Of course, his mind, unlike Charlie's, was not focused on the red motorcycle. He was here to deliver a message to my family and me, but in the process he had brought that accursed vehicle with him in the hopes of placing a wedge between Bella and me. It was unfortunate for him that just the opposite was happening. I felt the anger in Bella, but then she gave a slight shutter, and as I looked down at her, I saw sadness and tears welling up in her eyes and then anger flashed in her eyes. No, Jacob Black had pushed a wedge between Bella and himself by allowing Charlie to see that red menace.

"_Is he still here?" _ I heard her hiss.

No sense lying or trying to send her home, and maybe it would be good for Jacob to see how angry he had made her, and it would be better for me to be along when they encountered each other. No sense allowing her to anger him without someone nearby to protect her if he too became overly angry.

"_Yes. He's waiting for us there,"_ I stated and then indicated with a nod the path that lay between the trees.

Bella moved quickly out of the car, but not fast enough. I would not let her reach Jacob without me; her anger was too evident, and I noticed her small hands were balled tightly into to fists. As if hitting him would solve her problem. Didn't she know his muscles were hard, and if she hit him, she would only hurt herself? Before she could get too far, I protectively wrapped my arm around her waist.

"_Let me go!"_ she growled; her furiousness almost made me laugh. _"I'm going to murder him!"_

I thought pleasantly, 'That's my girl. Get good and mad.'

She then shouted, _"__**Traitor**__."_

If she continued shouting, Charlie was bound to hear her and come out to see what was happening. It would be unwise for him to learn about Jacob's condition, and it was unsafe for him to discover my secret, so I warned Bella, _"Charlie will hear you."_ Then I added, _"And once he gets you inside, he may brick over the doorway."_ As though that would keep me out. Charlie would have to be more resourceful than that to keep me from Bella's side.

Bella turned her head and looked back at the house; I didn't know if she was expecting to see Charlie standing in the driveway or something else, but there was a renewed fire in her eyes as she growled, _"Just give me one round with Jacob, and then I'll deal with Charlie."_

I felt her struggling to break my grip, but I wasn't about to let her loose with Jacob Black so close.

I decided it was time to tell her a bit of truth about Jacob's visit. _"Jacob Black wants to see __**me**__. That's why he's still here."_

She stopped struggling and then I felt the tension seep into her slender body.

"_Talk?"_ she asked.

"_More or less." _ How could I tell her that he wanted to get her in trouble so Charlie would keep her from seeing me? Or that he was in love with her and didn't want her to be in love with me?

Her entire body tensed as she asked in a shaken voice, _"How much more?"_

Our conversation from a few minutes ago flashed back at me. I had almost told her I would try not to kill Jacob; it must be what was now causing her fear. Did she really think I would start anything that dangerous with her standing nearby or with her watching? To sooth her fears, I replied as I brushed her hair back from her lovely face, _"Don't worry, he's not here to fight me. He's acting as . . . spokesperson for the pack."_

"_Oh,"_ was her only reply, but at least some of the tension drained from her.

I looked back at the house where Charlie was still fuming. He had noticed the car and his anger was rising with every moment that he didn't see us returning to the house. I had never witness this kind of anger from Charlie before. This was outright anger; the last two times it was at least tempered with worry and concern because of Bella being missing. This time it was pure unadulterated anger.

I tightened my hold around her waist as I began to pull her toward the woods. _"We should hurry,"_ I cautioned her, _"Charlie's getting impatient." _I avoided telling her that his anger rose progressively the longer we delayed our arrival at the house.

Jacob Black was a short way up the path casually leaning against a tree trunk. I wondered if he was aware of the fact that Bella was already grounded, and he had only caused her more heartache by parking that motorcycle in the driveway. Jacob first looked at Bella wishing she would run over and throw her arms around him – 'no such luck,' I thought, 'with you causing so much more trouble for her.'

He then glared at me wishing I would just vanish and leave her again. 'He has a lot to learn about love,' I thought. The pain of losing someone you held so dear was not something anyone desired to repeat if they didn't have to.

As he moved away from the tree, he assumed the stance of one who was ready to lunge forward if he felt threatened. I felt no fear for myself; I knew I could easily take on young Jacob if he was foolish enough to attack, but I feared Bella being in the way and being injured or worse killed because of his lack of control. His stance caused me to stop; I wanted to keep enough space between us so that if he should suddenly change, I could push Bella out of the way of any harm. To help protect her, I turned my body so as to shield her from any attack he could accidently make because of his pent up hostility and frustration. I felt Bella lean around me so she could glare at him.

9


	27. Chapter 27 Fine Print

_**AN: As always, this belongs to Stephenie Meyer.**_

_**I wish to thank everyone who had been kind enough to post reviews, and I wish to thank all of you who have offered such kind comments about my writing. To those of you who have requested I now rewrite Eclipse from Edward's point of view – and I was amazed at how many of you have requested this – I thank you for the confidence in me that I could do it but this story has taken over a year and I'm not ready to invest another year in redoing all of Eclipse. There are a few pieces I do wish to tackle and many of them are from Edward's PoV, but there are a few I would like to try from Emmett's as well. In addition, I will begin posting an AU story over Christmas break that I have been working on. So, I don't mean to disappoint anyone, but I have no plans for redoing all of Eclipse from Edward's PoV, but I do thank you for the vote of confidence.**_

_**With that said, I hope you enjoy the last chapter of Her Blood Sings.**_

**--------------------------------------------------------**

**Chapter 27 – The Fine Print**

As Bella leaned around me to stare at Jacob Black, I felt some of the tension drain from her body. When I looked down at her face, I also saw some of her anger dissipate. 'How easily she forgives even him,' I thought with a slight twinge of jealousy. I preferred it when she was angry with him.

"_Bella,"_ Jacob nodded his acknowledgement of her, but avoided looking at me.

In little more than a whisper, Bella asked, _"Why?"_ I heard her swallow ever so softly_. "How could you do this to me, Jacob?"_ I could sense her pain and disbelief that he would do anything that would cause harm.

It made me feel better knowing he also caused her pain, but it upset me at the same time. At least he couldn't use that as a reason why he was better for her than I was.

I noticed what had once been a sneer on his lips vanished as he lamely offered, _"It's for the best,"_ and he honestly believed that.

In his mind, his actions would cause Charlie to ground Bella and make her stay home, thus severing the contact between her and me. He believed it was better for her not to be near me, and yet he was the one who inflicted this new pain on her. He also believed she was safer around him than around me, but that I found laughable and dangerously unrealistic. I knew I had much more control over my monster than he had over his.

"_What is __**that**__ supposed to mean? Do you want Charlie to __**strangle**__ me? Or did you want him to have a heart attack, like Harry?"_ Bella's accusations poured forth without her seeming to pause for breath. _"No matter how mad you are at me, how could you do this to __**him**__?"_

Jacob felt some regret the moment Bella began accusing him. He instantly focused on the fact that he never meant to harm anyone, he only wanted to separate us. He blamed me for the fact that Bella had not come to see him. He had avoided her calls for fear that she would tell him they could no longer see each other. In his mind, it was what he would have done if the roles had been reversed.

When Jacob provided no answers to Bella's question, I supplied the answer for him. _"He didn't want to hurt anyone – he just wanted to get you grounded, so that you wouldn't be allowed to spend time with me."_ I felt Bella had a right to know why he had done this. Maybe I couldn't fault him too much. Had the tables been turned, I might have done something like this, but I hoped I had enough love for Bella that I would have found a way that wouldn't have cut her so deeply.

Jacob glared at me as I spoke; he nonverbally resented that I was speaking for him. He didn't like the fact that I was in his head. He hated the loss of his privacy yet again, and I could tell it wasn't just that I could hear his thoughts; it was the fact that everyone in the pack could also hear his thoughts. He felt as if he had no private life left.

"_Aw, Jake!"_ Bella had totally relinquished her earlier anger. Her voice held more sorrow over what he seemed to be going through. _"I'm __**already**__ grounded. Why do you think I haven't been down to La Push to kick your butt for avoiding my phone calls?"_

That was an easy answer; he had been thinking it all along. In his mind, I was the only reason she wouldn't see him; I was the only one keeping her from him, and he based his resentment on that belief. It was very evident in his thoughts.

Jacob's angry glare shifted from me to Bella, but the anger was replaced by confusion. It had never occurred to him that Charlie might have already grounded Bella. Not once had that option entered his mind, so this was an entirely new piece of information for him.

"_That's why?"_ he blurted out, but then regretted saying it. He had no desire to hear her defend me. He instantly decided that even if Charlie had grounded her, it was still my fault; therefore, it was still my fault she had not come to see him.

To clear up the confusion reflected in Bella's face, I clarified, _"He thought __**I**__ wouldn't let you, not Charlie."_

"_Stop that,"_ Jacob barked. 'If I want to tell her, I'll do it myself. I don't want any bloodsucker speaking for me.'

His thoughts also sounded like barks, and I thought that very appropriate for a dog. It was too bad I didn't intend to stop. Monitoring his thoughts would forewarn me if he was to change, and I would not allow Bella in harm's way if that was going to occur.

He still resented the invasion, and as he gritted his teeth, he commented, _"Bella wasn't exaggerating about your . . . abilities,"_ he hadn't wanted to use that term. He saw it more as an invasion of his privacy, and the fact that I was his natural enemy made it worse for him. Then he realized something else, _"So you must already know why I'm here,"_ he stated flatly.

"_Yes,"_ my reply was soft.

I had no desire for Bella to learn this piece of information from him or from anyone else because I knew it would upset her, but I also knew I couldn't stop him. There was one thing, however, that I had to admit before he upset Bella even more, _"But, before you begin, I need to say something."_

Jacob was extremely upset. He was expecting something extremely different from what I was going to say. At the least, he expected to be told never to see Bella again. As I watched his building tension, I wondered how he would react to what I would really say.

Taking a deep breath, I calmly told him, _"Thank you."_ I put my deepest feelings into that comment. Whether he realized it or not, if it had not been for him, Bella would definitely not be standing behind me at that very moment. _"I will never be able to tell you how grateful I am. I will owe you for the rest of my . . . existence."_ It would have been foolish to say life, since in his opinion, I had no life, but what he failed to realized was that Bella was my life know. Without her, there was no life or existence that I would want to continue.

I noticed as I spoke, he went from just barely controlling his anger at what he expected to hear to sheer surprise at what I had actually said. I felt incredibly relieved as I watched his anger completely drain from him because it was what was threatening his loss of control. What also interested me was the fact that he had no idea of why I was thanking him. He had completely failed to realize I would feel grateful and indebted to him for saving Bella.

To help clarify my meaning, I added, _"For keeping Bella alive,"_ and the next part I found extremely hard due to my tremendous guilt. _"When I . . . didn't."_

From just beside me, where Bella was still looking around at Jacob, Bella said, _"Edward –,"_

I stopped her by holding up my hand while I continued watching Jacob intently.

Jacob's face revealed his comprehension at the same moment his mind registered exactly why I was grateful to him, then his expression become rigid as he said, _"I didn't do it for your benefit."_

'Be that as it may,' I thought, 'she has still tied herself to me.' To him I replied, _"I know. But that doesn't erase the gratitude I feel. I thought you should know. If there's ever anything in my power to do for you . . ."_

His thoughts went to the only thing he wanted from me, but I knew leaving Bella again would cause more harm to her than when I left the first time. It was not a concession I could grant him because I refused to cause Bella pain again. Besides, it was not my choice anymore. I noticed his eyebrow rise as he hoped he could simply ask me to leave, but I wouldn't allow him to voice his request with Bella standing by me.

I simply shook my head, as I answered, _"That's not in my power."_

His growled reply was expected, _"Whose, then?"_

I would have thought the answer would be obvious even to him. I looked down upon my angel as I replied, _"Hers. I'm a quick learner, Jacob Black, and I don't make the same mistake twice. I'm here until she orders me away."_ I added the last for her benefit as much as for his information.

My eyes were locked on Bella's, and the gaze she gave me sent shivers through my body; not the kind that indicated a coldness but the kind that I had been experiencing lately that excited me in a new way. These shivers were more stimulating and exciting than the electrical charges that had occurred early in our relationship. As Bella continued to gaze lovingly into my eyes, I knew, without her hearing the words that she knew exactly what Jacob had asked of me.

In reply to his unspoken request, Bella answered, _"Never,"_ in a soft delicious whisper that told me she would hold on to me for dear life. She had no intention of ever relinquishing her hold on me, and I found myself reveling in the feeling that accompanied the idea of being together with her for all eternity.

I don't know how long we would have stood with our gazes locked onto each other as the waves of love passed between us if I hadn't heard Jacob make a gagging noise.

Bella must have heard him as well, for she turned her eyes toward him and asked in a less than pleasing tone, _"Was there something else you needed Jake? You wanted me in trouble – mission accomplished. Charlie might just send me to military school."_

That thought made me almost chuckle as I tried to envision Bella in a uniform or trying to keep in step with her class as they marched across the quad.

Then my heart swelled as she added, _"But that won't keep me away from Edward. There's nothing that can do that. What more do you want?"_

'Poor Bella,' I thought, 'she isn't going to welcome his piece of information.'

Jacob looked only at me as he proclaimed, _"I just needed to remind your bloodsucking friends of a few key points in the treaty they agreed to. The treaty that is the only thing stopping me from ripping his throat out right this minute."_

"_We haven't forgotten,"_ I replied.

At the same time, Bella demanded clarification by asking, _"What key points?"_

He knew we hadn't forgotten, and even though Carlisle had agreed to change Bella, he had been aware of the fact that it would mean we would permanently be leaving the area before we broke the treaty.

Jacob just glared at me as he answered her question and inside he was gloating that he could inform her of the fine printed limitation. _"The treaty is quite specific. If any of them bite a human, the truce is over. Bite, not kill,"_ he stressed. Then with a hard cold look, he shifted his gaze to Bella.

It took Bella only a second to absorb his meaning and then she shot back angrily, _"That's none of your business."_

"_The hell it –"_ His anger choked off any further response.

I watched as that anger nearly overwhelmed him as he realized she was expecting to be changed. He could not understand why she would want to be a cold unfeeling monster like the rest of us. Their legends had painted us as completely inhuman with no human feeling or emotions. They saw us only as cold, dead, killing machines. In his mind, Bella would be just as dead as if she were buried under the ground.

I cautiously watched as his anger sent convulsions through his body. I monitored the ripples running up and down his body; his hands were tightly pressed to his temples as he tried desperately not to allow the change to overtake him. For a young werewolf, I was impressed with how he tried to take control of the change as well as his emotions. I could hear his internal battle as he willed himself to calm down in the face of what he perceived as his devastating loss, but he reminded himself if he didn't stop someone would be hurt, and his worst fear was that Bella might be the one who was severely injured.

An image of a horribly scarred face crossed his mind and he chastised himself that Bella must not end up like that. I instantly saw a vision of another youth – Sam – changing while this girl – Emily – was standing too close, and I watched as claws raked across her lovely smooth skin marring her for life. The names seemed to fall in place as an afterthought as I watched his vision play out. These were the images, I realized, of something that had already happened, and it was used as a reminder to everyone in the pack of what could happen if they were not careful.

I watched Jacob Black even closer and kept Bella nearer to me; I would not allow him to mar Bella in such a manner. I knew he was fighting what his body instinctively wanted to do, but just in case he lost the battle, I would protect Bella from him.

Bella's anxious voice came from beside me as she leaned around me, _"Jake? You okay?"_

She attempted to approach him, but the minute she started the first step, I halted her halfway through and quickly pulled her back placing her behind me. I would use my body to shield her in case Jacob lost his struggle to maintain control of himself. So she would realize what was happening, I cautioned her, _"Careful! He's not under control."_

I watched as my words affected him and he was finally able to resume some control of what had been occurring. I was relieved to notice that most of his shaking had ceased, and he rebuked me as he glared menacingly at me, _"Ugh. __**I**__ would never hurt her."_

His implication being that I would hurt her because of changing her. How little he understood about me or about the situation between Bella and me. I might consider changing her but not for my pleasure; instead, I would do it because it was what she wanted rather than what I wanted, or at least I kept telling myself I didn't want that for her.

Charlie's voice cut between all of the hostility Jacob and I felt toward each other. _"BELLA! YOU GET IN THIS HOUSE THIS INSTANT!"_ There was no doubt to any of us that Charlie was extremely upset as we all froze in place.

He felt Bella was intentionally staying away because of the motorcycle. He also fumed as he thought Bella would risk her life riding that death trap after all his warnings.

Breaking the silence that had blanketed us, Bella mournfully uttered, _"Crap."_

The hatred for me slowly faded from Jacob's face as he offered, _"I am sorry about that. I had to do what I could . . . I had to try . . ."_

It was too bad that he hadn't taken her phone call; if he had, he would have discovered that she was forbidden by Charlie to leave the house and not by me. The question was, if she hadn't been grounded, would I have allowed her to see Jacob. From his near miss with changing, I'm not sure he was in enough control that I would trust him around her without some protection along for her safety; and the only person who I would trust with her safety was I.

There was a tremor in Bella's voice as she replied, _"Thanks,"_ but I don't think she meant it sincerely.

I knew I had to get Bella back to the house as quickly as possible, but there was still a pressing piece of business that I had to complete. _"Just one more thing,"_ I informed Bella before I turned back to Jacob. _"We've found no trace of Victoria on our side of the line – have you?"_ I would not forget that she was still a major threat to Bella, and I doubted she would give up on her attempt to extract her revenge on Bella.

Without answer, I knew the pack had not seen her since we had returned, but he still said, _"The last time was while Bella was . . . away. We let her think she was slipping through – we were tightening the circle, getting ready to ambush her –"_

I felt Bella stiffen behind me; I knew this caused her a deep fear. I had seen it in her face before. I wanted to reassure Bella that she had nothing to fear because I would be there for her, but I also knew Bella would still be afraid, if not for her safety then for the safety of others who might get between her and her stalker.

Jacob continued as if nothing had occurred, _"But then she took off like a bat out of hell. Near as we can tell, she caught your little female's scent and bailed. She hasn't come near our lands since."_

I knew we would see her again and I owed it to Bella to keep her safe and protected, so I said, _"When she comes back, she's not your problem anymore. We'll –"_

He was not pleased with my comment. He and the pack would not relinquish their right to hunt her so he interrupted me, _"She killed on our turf, she's ours."_ The determination and hatred were easily distinguishable in his tone.

"_No –"_ Bella protested loudly but was cut short by Charlie's irate warning.

"_BELLA! I SEE HIS CAR AND I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE! IF YOU AREN'T INSIDE THIS HOUSE IN ONE MINUTE . . . !_" Charlie did not need to finish his threat; from the look on Bella's face, it was enough to know he meant every word he had said.

His thoughts were also threatening, and I knew her grounding would be tightened as far as Charlie felt he could safely push it. He had no desire to push her out of the house, but he also feared for her safety. It was hard for him to stop the visual images of motorcycle accident victims that he had seen in the past, and the worst part of those visions was that the victims face would always change into Bella's face. With those visualizations, I could understand his anger and sympathize with his hatred of the vehicle brazenly parked in his driveway.

It was also those visions that caused his anger to escalate as the minutes slipped by and she did not appear, so I encouraged her, _"Let's go."_

She hesitated and looked back at Jacob.

So low she might not have totally heard him, he whispered, _"Sorry. Bye, Bells."_

In an anxious tone, she said, _"You promised. Still friends, right?"_

Jacob shook his head and I could feel Bella tense up as he replied, _"You know how hard I've tried to keep that promise, but . . . I can't see how to keep trying. Not now . . ."_ he nonverbally completed the thought with 'that you want to be just like them.'

He was trying to keep all emotion from his face, but I watched as it faltered, and he desperately wished she would change her mind and choose him instead of me. Finally, he mouthed the words, _"Miss you,"_ as he reached out to her with one of his silent pleas, 'Leave him. Come away with me.'

I didn't need to hear Bella's thoughts to know she was in pain. He was her friend and he was asking for something she was not ready to give up. She had already told me she couldn't survive without me, but I wondered if part of her needed him as well. I honestly didn't want her to feel that way about him; thinking she might feel that way caused my newest emotion, jealousy, to flare up and wish Jacob would just leave and accept the fact that Bella had chosen me, and yet another part of me wanted her to choose what was really best for her.

Across the expanse that separated them, I saw Bella reach out a hand toward him as she choked out, _"Me, too."_

I felt Bella take a step toward him, but I still feared her getting too near. He was still tense and emotional and only just had control of his changing. Instinctively, I pulled Bella toward me but I realized I was not just trying to protect her; no, I actually did not want her going to him. I wanted her to stay with me; it was almost as if she took this particular step she wouldn't come back to me and I wasn't ready to deal with that intense anguish again. Maybe her feelings toward Jacob Black were the reason why she turned me down when I asked her to marry me. Maybe she had deeper feelings for him than she had admitted to me; that thought only caused my jealousy to flare more and suddenly I didn't want him anywhere near her. I didn't want to lose her. I pulled her closer and not just because I could sense his rising tension that was pulling on his restraint to hold in his beast but because I was unwilling to relinquish my hold on her.

Bella looked up to me and proclaimed with the confidence she felt, _"It's okay."_

Jacob was taunting, 'She wants me not you.' Then more to himself than to me, 'Besides, she's better off with me than a monster like him.'

The problem was I didn't agree with what I felt was her false confidence, and after hearing his thoughts, I didn't agree with him either. At least my monster was completely under control; I could not say the same for his. _"No, it's not,"_ I told her.

There were so many emotions battling within me, but the one that was winning out was to keep her as near to me as possible because if I let her go, I might not get her back. I also didn't feel he had complete control of his particular monster.

"_Let her go,"_ Jacob growled, he was beginning to lose his control again – I could feel it rolling off him. _"She __**wants**__ to!"_ To make matters worse, he took two strides toward us covering more ground than was comfortable with Bella between us.

Once again, instinct caused me to push her behind me for safety reasons. I watched as Jacob's control grew more tentative. He might want to attack me, but I would not have Bella standing between us when he did. I doubted that he realized how dangerous he could be for her. It was almost as if he didn't care about her safety, and I resented his lack of concern.

Bella instantly replied, _"No! Edward –!"_ as I moved her to safety.

Immediately after that Charlie yelled, "_ISABELLA SWAN!"_ Charlie's patience had just run out. His next move was coming out to find us and drag Bella back into the house.

"_Come on! Charlie's mad!"_ I heard the panic in her voice, but my guess was that she was more afraid of what Jacob and I would do rather than what Charlie would do. _"Hurry,"_ she encouraged as she tugged on me so I would move.

She was right, we did need to return to the house as quickly as possible, but I didn't trust the wolf enough to turn my back on him. I could sense his change drawing nearer and the last target I wanted to offer was either of our backs. I slowly backed away with Bella and just as we neared the edge of the woods, I watched as the pain of change overtook Jacob's face. I knew he would not be able to repress the change this time. Even he was aware of that fact. I was able to bring us to a point where the trees obscured his change from Bella, but I could tell she was suffering because of the pain she had seen on his face.

Because she cared so much for others, I knew Bella had to be feeling his pain, and if it had been in my power to ease her suffering I would have, but I knew there was nothing I could say at that moment to stop her feelings of empathy for his agony. To make matters worse, as we exited the woods, Bella caught sight of Charlie's face. He was so immersed in rage that his face had actually turned purple from the blood rushing to the surface of his skin.

This was only going to make matters worse for Bella after what just happened with Jacob, so I hugged her close but gently and reassured her, _"I'm here."_

I felt and heard Bella draw a deep breath, but I kept my arms wrapped around her trying to provide her with all the support I could. Then I felt Bella stand taller and pulled her shoulders back before she stepped forward to face Charlie's wrath.

It was no wonder I loved her so much. She was a bundle of contradictions, strengths and weaknesses, and had the most loving heart of anyone I had ever encountered before. She had definitely captured my heart and I would never be able to take it back even if I wanted to; it was now hers for all eternity.

11


End file.
